Cat & Mouse Predation

My ex told me on at least six occasions that, "I should remember that we train people how to treat us." He also warned me on at least two occasions, "not to make it too easy for him." I told my therapist about these remarks today. Her face changed (something that rarely happens in therapy in my experience) and she said:

"Laura, I haven't said this to you yet, but I'm going to say it now. You need to forgive yourself. This man is a Sociopath in addition to being a Narcissist. You were dealing with someone who is in a less than one percentile of the population and after hearing your story I know for a fact that there is nothing you could have done better than you did to recognize and get out of that relationship."

I asked her specifically what she meant by Sociopath and her statement simply put was that in addition to objectifying people, my ex's predatory nature makes him thrive off of cat and mouse chases. Make no mistake, narcissists are predators. They choose you for two seemingly opposite reasons. First because you possess some strong quality they wish to possess, but second because you're vulnerable in some way (and let's face it we are all vulnerable in some way). They start by allying with your strengths and then the proceed to TRAIN YOU how to treat them. In other words they "love" you so well and so completely until you love them back completely and then they steal your free will from you one tiny piece at a time. All for the sole purpose of getting NS. Their training program consists of strategic giving and withholding at opportune moments. NPD is a disorder, that means their logic and thinking is disordered and it is disorienting for their victims. They mirror you and they have a lifetime of practice of mirroring. They make normal seem abnormal and the reverse. You believe that your thoughts and actions are your own, but they are really his.

Here's how it happens.

A narcissist meets you and is attracted to you. He watches you carefully assessing your strengths and your weaknesses. Using his extraordinary skills at reading people he morphs into exactly what you want him to be over the next weeks, months or years becoming your dream lover until you are so emotionally invested (read more in love than you've ever been) that hurting yourself would be less painful than risking the relationship. At that point he begins trying to mold you into his impossibly ideal mate. That's the peak of idealization period. When it becomes clear that you can't become his ideal (no one can!) the devaluation begins.

The first demeaning remarks I remember were simple things like his not liking my glasses or some of my clothes. Okay. Fair enough. We all have different tastes. But at this point I'm so invested in our relationship that I feel compelled to spend gobs of money on glasses that he will like, only to get a small pat on the head and a request to "be there when I order new prescription sunglasses." Still not something to go OMG he's a Narcissist about. Over time these demeaning and critical remarks continued to add up and get worse until, by the end, I was actually considering plastic surgery to try to please him! (He had a list of improvements and repairs already in mind.)

Coupled with the demeaning remarks and backhanded compliments are little actions that make you feel worthless. My ex N would turn off the heat or air conditioning in the apartment when he left, even though he knew I'd be staying there all day. I'm not worth the few extra cents on the heating bill. He also took great pleasure in suggesting expensive sports equipment I "should" own so that I could do the things he likes to do. Of course with no job or savings I was then required to pay more than half for them. Following the purchase he loved to announce how good he was to me to friends and family. I suggested that he should buy a new mountain bike so we could ride more together (my favorite sport!) but that was a waste of money and using my second bike was just fine with him.

The abuse is so subtle that the best way to describe it is death by a thousand paper cuts. You know, the kind of cuts that really sting, but when you notice them you wonder "where did that come from?" The tiny criticisms wear you down and leave you feeling resentful and diminished. What makes you think you're crazy is that in between the paper cuts he soothes you with a few strategically timed and lovingly placed band aids. The compliments happen just when they are most welcome and any little compliment, even the backhanded ones, make you remember the man you first met. You think he's on his way back until the next paper cut shows up. And that's how it goes. On and on and on until there is nothing of you left but a bloody, suffering mess and he discards you, telling you it's your fault for being so pathetic.