Am I Responsible For How He Acts? Do I Drive His Behavior?

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(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

 

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship counseling is "Did I make the person behave like this?" The clients often believe they bring out 'the worst in them' or so the pathological wants them to believe.  The pathological likes to label their own acting out or cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else's fault. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don't take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their short comings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people 'own' their own behavior, pathological people project it onto others.

 

By the time the client comes to counseling from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, they believe the relationship, it's problems and it's demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological's propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that 'if she only acted differently then so would he' and the relationship would be on better footing.

 

Let me ask you this...."If he had brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor?  Would that be your responsibility?"  I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don't feel 'responsible' or 'to blame' because someone got a brain tumor. 

 

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders is that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor, but it is a brain disorder---in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be 'noticeable' to others.  It is--in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems you just don't know how, why or where they are generated.  Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology that are driving their impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

 

Even a decade ago, we didn't have the information we have today about the wide reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have 'suspected' a very physical reason for the behavior--the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems, we didn't have the concrete knowledge that is now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other 
brain studies.

 

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it--but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

 

Genomics--molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology

Proteomics--location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology

Neurotransmitters affected

Hippocampus--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Amygdala--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains 

 
Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology

Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence

Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.

Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.

The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.

A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.  

Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.

Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.

Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)

The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.

Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.

Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.

An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.

MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders
Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.

TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.

MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.

Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)

Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.

Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.

Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.

The amygdale in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses, causes them to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.

Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.

Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.

Orbitofrontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.

Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word 'justice' generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.

 
Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.

The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to fpcus on something they don't wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn't) the feelings of empathy.

The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.

The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.

Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive critcism.

Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity
Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

 

Yeah, I know--that's a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point...you didn't break him and you can't fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many---people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what's wrong with him is merely 'willful behavior' or 'a bad attitude' or 'needs more counseling.'  Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic make up, in their chemistry, their circuitry, regional brain development, their neurobiology and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected---in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy--so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book 'Evil Genes' available on our magazine).

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

 

For many years I have been teaching the 3 Inabilities related to pathology: The inability to grow to any great emotional depth, the inability to sustain positive change, and the inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others. I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered.  Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn't until recently that I was finally 

able to find out why the 3 Inabilities are actually correct and why they don't sustain positive change. It's not because they want to screw with your head....it's because of their head.

 

You didn't produce anything--you're not that influential to set up his genetic patterns.  Sorry--you're not strong enough to 'will' his amygdala to change. Bad news here--you are not gonna 'love' his limbic region into correct functioning. '  And hate to break the news that all the 'Law of Attraction' books isn't gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal.  And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn't gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. If you stopped nagging or tried the relationship 'just one more time' it isn't going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters.  Even Batterer Intervention groups aren't gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

 

He doesn't have a brain tumor that you are responsible for 'giving him.' He does have a brain disorder and you aren't responsible for that either--how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some of the disorders much more easily like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation--of course, you can often tell by looking at the person that something is wrong. But even in pathology, that too becomes evident...in time but not through external medical conditions but through relationships. And while it is odd, where we DO find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction is right in the middle of your relationship.

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Song by a Narcissist - Wow!

Sociopathic Weapons of Choice: A Post for My Ex's Victims Both Past and Present

When I first learned that my ex had been diagnosed with NPD I desperately wanted to believe that something could be done and that he was on the "mild" end of some sort of sociopathic spectrum. As my research continues I've come to the conclusion that those who are most often considered mild sociopaths are simply sociopaths who don't want to get their hands dirty. They choose not to commit acts of physical violence. Instead they prefer emotional torture, which all too often results in the suicide of the sociopath's victim. 

Since psychological aggression isn't considered a crime, and since sociopaths are experts at appearing blameless and upstanding, and since victims are often left feeling responsible for their own abuse, these emotional rapists are commonly dismissed as mild sociopaths who merely have "narcissistic traits" or "tendencies." (By the way, my ex was aware of his diagnosis when I met him. If he really believed this wasn't a  problem he wouldn't have chosen to withhold this information.)

Sociopaths don't feel emotion the way normal people do, but they learn to mimic it by closely observing the behaviors and responses of others. If you ever felt like a lab rat in a maze with your N, know that you in fact were! He was learning how to direct you to the cheese and what kind to leave out for you. Sociopaths want to experience authentic emotion and many of them cause pain in others in the hope of feeling something, anything. But just as (Michael Fox points out) bodily torture isn't called physical persuasion. Likewise the harm caused by the psychological warfare waged by a sociopath isn't simply a matter of emotional manipulation or persuasion. It is emotional rape, the purpose of which is no different than bodily rape. Victims of sociopaths end up with PTSD symptoms exactly like any other victim of any other kind of torture.

So was my ex mild? Hell no! 

Because he chooses not to destroy with his hands or hire an assassin does not mean that his weapon of choice is any less destructive or vicious. The trail of tortured souls he has left behind him, and continues to leave in his wake may not be bloody or bruised, but are just as real and every bit as damaged. Emotional assault is as devastating for victims and those that love them as any criminal assault. Unfortunately this weapon is legal and is (as was spousal rape in the past) considered socially acceptable. 

The people currently forced to stay in my ex's life continue to be victimized. Some know what he is and are able to defend themselves to some degree, but are still being held as prisoners of war. Those he manages to captivate in future will be victimized until they are able to see behind the mask, hopefully make a clean escape, and begin the long road to recovery. My heart goes out to all of them... this post is for them.

love and hugs,

Laura   

There is no hole in me...

When it comes to experiencing victim blaming there is nothing like what I've experienced as a survivor of emotional rape. Before my emotional rape, I survived both date rape and domestic violence and the inevitable victim blaming that comes with it. But since both those behaviors are considered criminal, the blame stops short of trying to convince the victim that she is somehow inherently flawed. Not true as a survivor or emotional rape (sociopathy). Along with some of my family members and close friends, who all have their version of why or how I could have prevented my emotional rape from happening, my ex's ex wife insists that there is some kind of hole in me which inadvertently caused my abuse. This post is for her...

Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation.

He explains that there are four basic ingredients that make emotional rape (the victimization by a sociopath) possible. They are:

1. The reality that every normal human being absolutely NEEDS achievement, love, faith and health in combination, usually in that order, to survive.

2. We are powerless in the face of these needs. We simply cannot make ourselves be okay in the absence of one or more of them.

3. Bad-call bias: It is human nature to believe as true what we wish were true. This is the case in all human activities, not just relationships. He gives the example of scientific errors based on wishing or wanting a result to be true. These errors are usually driven by the need for achievement. In the case of love it is almost impossible for us to believe that someone we love, and who we believe loves us really doesn't.

4. Evil exists and the actions of malignant narcissists are evil because they aim to destroy (or at least reduce) the victim's access to her primary needs. He does this by first becoming the soul "provider" of them and then stripping them away little by little.

If humans didn't need to achieve, be loved, strive for purpose or be healthy, i.e. if we had the power to simply dismiss our needs as optional, and if we could always see the actions and intentions of others as they truly are and not as we would like them, sociopaths would have absolutely no power over us whatever. Sociopaths know this.

There is nothing wrong with me. No hole to fill! No co-dependent or unusual need that led me to be more easily victimized by my ex sociopath than anyone else. In fact, like many victims, I was and am a trained expert in avoiding the bad-call bias. It can happen to ANYONE and it does. It happens to normal healthy humans who, like all other normal healthy humans NEED love, faith, achievement and health - all of which my ex provided for in abundance and then robbed me off little by little over time.

Saying "No" to emotional rape isn't easy or simple. It's saying "No" to something that controls your needs, thoughts and perceptions. It has nothing to do with being co-dependent, co-narcissist or having some sort of hole that needs to be filled.

As long as you believe there is some flaw, inadequacy or hole in you, you will never heal from emotional rape. As long as you continue to try to take "ownership of" or accept your "responsibility for" or "part in" what happened to you, you will continue to be a victim. Only after coming to terms with the fact that someone took advantage of your basic humanness and that short of becoming an android there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, will you cross the line to become a survivor. I am not to blame for what happened to me. I know this... and it is only now I can begin to heal.

love and hugs,

Laura

The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It by Michael Fox PhD

I highly recommend this book for all survivors.

Excerpts:

• We have a natural tendency to accept responsibility for what happens to us because we want to believe we are always in full control of our lives. When bad things happen, rather than admit they might have occurred because of some outside, non-controllable, set of circumstances,we prefer to believe our own actions were the cause. We blame ourselves. (p. 19)
  
• Why not simply identify relationships such as Steve's and Ellen's as "exploitative relationships"? The answer is readily apparent: For the same reason we don't call torture a form of physical persuasion. Rape is the only word which adequately conveys the trauma experienced by the victim; one of the few words in our language, as one writer astutely observed, "with the power to summon a shared image of a horrible crime." (p. 10)
  
• In sexual rape the words "without consent" refer to the victim having withheld something, having not freely agreed to sex. In contrast it is the perpetrator, the rapist who withholds something in emotional rape, employing deceit to conceal his or her true motives. If sexual rape is the violation of the human body, emotional rape is the violation of the human soul. (p. 12)
  
• In contrast [to physical rape], almost all cases of emotional rape are perfectly legal. The emotional rapist may even be widely admired. It's a telling commentary on society's moral priorities that a person who exploits someone's affections for personal gain...might well be considered a shrewd entrepreneur rather than a villain. (p. 14)
  
• Victims of emotional rape can't psychologically protect themselves from feelings of isolation by attributing what happened to the abhorrent and exceptional behavior of one individual, as a victim of stranger rape might be able to do. Instead, more like the victims of date rape, they may begin to question themselves, doubting their own judgment and values. In some instances they may will be encouraged to embark on this process of self blame. (p. 15)
  
• Friends, family members, and even some professional counselors often make well-meaning, but potentially extremely damaging, observations; something along the lines of

"What is it about you which is attracted to to a person like that?"
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)

• As a result victims of emotional rape invariably come to see themselves as responsible for what happened. The do not recognize that what happened to them was rape, rather they rationalize that it was simply and instance of personal failing. This is a destructive fallacy. (p. 15)

More later...

love and hugs, Laura

Happy Birthday to Me!

It is 10:15 pm and I just realized today is my ex's 46th birthday. It was only after being reminded that it was another friend's (who shares the same birthday) birthday that I remembered. Although I am feeling much better about life in general, this is the first tangible sign I've had that makes me believe he won't always haunt me. So why do I feel a twinge of guilt and sadness about it. Hmmm...

love and hugs,

Laura