Dear Fellow Travelers,The time has finally come to make my last It Can Happen to Anyone blog entry. I have surrendered and have found peace.
It is impossible to put into words the leap of faith that brought me here, but it has a great deal to do with becoming fed up with feeling bad and turning back to the work of Eckhart Tolle, whose teachings were not coincidentally what got me through the hardest parts of my escape and recovery. My last recommendation to all of you is to read and listen to all of his teachings. Here's a taste:
One of the things I've come to understand through Tolle's teaching is that pathological people are pure unadulterated ego. Ego without the possibility of ever awakening to consciousness in their present form. They are not aware, in any meaningful sense of the word, of what they are doing to others. That is not to say they don't know what they're doing (they do!) but only in the realm of ego driven pathology. This realization has opened up space in me to be able to forgive my ex-pathological for what he has done to me and to others, and to forgive myself as well. This does not mean that I will ever be willing to communicate with him in any shape or form. I won't. It simply means that I have dissolved all emotional entanglements to him and am ready to live life.
I will leave this blog up and continue to moderate comments and replies. I hope that it continues to be a source of help for future travelers.
When I first mentioned to one of my dear fell0w travelers that I was ready to move on and to end my blog, she replied, "Oh yeah! FIDO!", which stands for "fuck it drive on."
I laughed. Thought for a moment.... and replied,
"No. It's really...FORGAVE IT. Driving on..."
Another fellow traveler congratulated me for finally reaching stage six of my recovery. In her e-mail she included an insightful list of stages survivors of pathologicals go through. I leave you with this list and send positive energy out to each and all of you who find this blog that you reach stage six soon.
Stages of recovery for victims of NPD:
The following is a non-scientific observation with absolutely NO empirical data to back it up. Just some personal observations.
1. Realization: In the beginning, it was a dream come true. The most intoxicating earth-shattering love imaginable. Then came the 1st crack in perfection. An inexplicable rage in your partner that seemed way out of line with the circumstance.
Then, maybe you remember that moment when it finally dawned on you that "something" was not right. At first, you thought you were dealing with a person who had 2 sides to him: A good side and a bad (conflicted) side. You figured others (the ones who warned you or sensed something "not right") didn't understand the underlying good person. You thought you could be the person who made that person whole: At least that's what he told you.
In a short period of time, you went from being perfection in his eyes, to a person who could do nothing right. You walked on eggshells avoiding anything that might set him off. You lived for the moment that things would go back to the way they were.
The fights were confusing. Sometimes you didn't even know what you'd done to anger him. The rages became more frequent and began to resemble abuse (verbal or physical). The lies were the most confusing because sometimes they were about things so insignificant, there was no point to the lie. He made you think that YOU were the one with "memory problems" and at one point, you actually thought it might be true that you were losing it. (You were a victim of gas-lighting).
The more dominant he became, the more submissive you became...losing yourself in the process.
Then one day, perhaps via the Internet or a magazine article, or TV special....you became aware of NPD and suddenly you realized you weren't alone and there was an actual disorder associated with the person you thought you knew.
2. Denial: You researched NPD and because the prognosis for it is so bleak, you continually searched for a different (more treatable) disorder.
You left him, then fell victim again, and "danced the dance" over and over again until your emotions were so sapped that you were at the point of breakdown yourself.
You drove your family, friends, and yourself crazy talking about it constantly. This also served to make you look like a complete idiot every time you once again fell for his manipulative declarations of love and change.
Eventually you realized that your partner was a Narcissist and you were terrified.
3. Anger at the N: You began to uncover all the lies and deceptions. The anger was overwhelming. How could he act that way to someone who had given so much of themselves? You were so angry that you had constant thoughts and even nightmares about him. You watched as he continued his routine of exploitation with others and even thought of "outing" this master of deception to the rest of the world.
4. Anger at yourself: (The most difficult stage of all.) You began to feel like an idiot for having let yourself be so obviously deceived. You realized you were going to have to eat mud, because many of your friends warned you that he was not what he seemed. You became deeply depressed and had a long road ahead recuperating the part of yourself that you sacrificed to an illusion. The fact that you finally realized he and your relationship was only an illusion, only served to depress you more deeply.
5. Coming to terms: You made a complete emotional (and hopefully physical) break from him. At this point he didn't even like you anymore as you weren't supplying NS, anyway. You started to pick up the pieces and regain the inner strength you previously had. You networked and your friends began to enjoy the fact that you had something to talk about that didn't involve your "N." You started to laugh again and enjoy the things you'd unconsciously given up. You began to feel like a valuable person again.
Oddly enough, this for many, was a dangerous moment because with your new strength, you became once again "attractive/valued" to your "N." But this time you knew enough to know that he was a "Soul Without Footprints" and the person you thought existed was a figment of his own imagination mixed in with a little wishful thinking on your part.
So you walked away, half-healed, but still slightly marred by self-doubt. Perhaps you began to see NPD EVERYWHERE...even when it wasn't merited.
But most important, you came to know you were involved with a person with an illness of the emotions that can rarely be treated....and it wasn't your fault.
*Note: And although the disorder is not his fault and empathy can not be surgically transplanted, he is well aware of the harm and hurt he causes. He just honestly doesn't care because he does not have the capacity to actually feel what others feel...only what he himself feels. N's are emotional predators. They will steal your heart to acquire your happiness, money, prestige....or whatever it is that feeds their NS needs.
6. True Recovery: One day you wake up and find that you honestly don't care anymore. It is the most liberating feeling imaginable. You realize that normal people are everywhere and your brush with this previously unimaginable individual or anyone else like him, is not likely to ever happen again.
You are now ready to resume life. Make lemonade from the lemons in your life. Use the information you unwillingly acquired, as a life lesson. Use it to realize that you are one of the luckiest people in the world because YOU have the ability to laugh and enjoy life. YOU have a chance at happiness. The "N" never does and never will. If perchance you have a need for revenge...that in itself should suffice.
So, for now (and that is all there really is) Emily and I are just fine!
Much love and great big hugs.... Laura
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