Questions of Closure and the CRITICAL Importance of NO CONTACT.

I will be traveling back east for an extended vacation this summer. While there I will have the opportunity to travel to upstate NY to visit some friends I made while I was with It. That possibility has resurrected the fantasy that many fellow-travelers share. The fantasy of being able to have some sort of closure in the aftermath of a relationship with a pathological.

This closure fantasy has an essential component. That afterward, It/They will somehow understand what they've done to us. What we want is to let them know that we know what they are and explain it in such a way that they will understand and experience remorse.

I discussed this possibility with a fellow traveler and with my therapist. My fellow traveler believes that there is therapeutic value in my confronting It for me. Confronting someone who's hurt us, whether in person, by journal etc. is a common therapeutic devise for those who are dealing with NORMAL relationships. Knowing this, my friend was exploring the possibility of any therapeutic value for me in confronting It.

I thought about it for a long time after our conversation and even before talking to my therapist about it, I decided that it would only feed It with negative supply and could have no value for me whatever. The fact that confronting a pathological can't have any value is part of why there is NO closure from a relationship with a pathological. The outcome will inevitably leave us more frustrated at their inability to empathize with what they've done - and remember empathy is an impossibility for these people. But after discussing it with my therapist I realized that confronting It can do nothing but put me in REAL danger in two specific ways:

A: Exposing ourselves to our ex pathological leaves us WIDE open to be sucked in again. Remember they have the ability to hypnotize us and place us in a trance-like state VERY quickly. Confronting our ex-pathological leaves us wide open for re-victimization.

B: Psychopaths absolutely HATE to be exposed face to face. Confronting our ex-pathologicals puts us in danger of severe wrath and retribution at the hand of someone who has absolutely no empathy for anyone and who is prone to rages. Very dangerous!

Though there are many, many other reasons, these two reasons alone establish why having an ABSOLUTE rule of NO CONTACT is essential not only for healing, but also for our own safety. So even though I will probably always feel the need to confront It with the truth of what It is and what It's done to me and It's other victims, I understand that it can only result in opening me up to more danger and more pain with no possibility for a positive outcome whatever.

love and hugs, Laura

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

The following is a reply I wrote to a dear friend of mine who knew me before It. She is understandably concerned about me and offers the kind of advice well meaning loved ones give when something sad happens. She asks me to find strength to stop wallowing in and mourning a relationship that concluded over a year ago. Here's my reply:

I'm not offended. What I read here is love and concern. Thank you. I hope you never understand what I'm going through. I don't wish it on anyone. But it's not wallowing or mourning a relationship. It's recovering from the aftermath of it. I have complex PTSD, which means that along with the triggers, high blood pressure, early onset menopause, weight gain and all the other host of symptoms my brain has been rewired. I am not your tkd instructor, feminist inspiration, political mentor any more. I don't know who I am. I'm starting from scratch and that's not easy. This isn't something one can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on from. You're right having known who I was before this, it would seem likely that if anyone could, it would be me. Well I'm as fallen as the dozens of others I'm in contact with who are struggling with the same disease. None of us are mourning the relationship. What we are mourning is the death of who we were before them. I'm no longer self deteriorating... I'm simply struggling to find pieces that fit together that will create a whole me again. love el