How to Spot a Narcissist - Great video from the Huffington Post

"Narcissists are experts at impression management management. We rate them as more intelligent, as more attractive, more charismatic. At least for a little while, until their charm starts to wear off....they're really good at working with what they have because they practice it all of the time."  Dr. Craig Malkin - Professor of Psychology Harvard Medical School

Survivors and experts speak up on relationships with narcissists. 



How to Spot a Narcissist - Huffington Post Video.


Love and hugs,
Laura

Revisiting It1: Lessons Not Learned After the First Go Around

After writing my last post I decided to read some of the posts I wrote after It1 to see just how much I missed after the first go around. I'm reposting one of the here because the similarities are striking. I could have written this post now, about It2 with the same accuracy.

November 29, 2008

Bait and Switch - Excerpt from Narcisstic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

When the N meets a new woman, a woman who appears to possess admirable characteristics he desires, he is immediately drawn to her with the magical thinking that she could be "the one."

In the beginning of their relationship, the N sees strengths and qualities in his partner he wishes to possess, so he immediately tries to convince her that they are meant to be together. His acute fear of abandonment intensifies his desire so he often rushes into things others would avoid in the early stages of relationships. He may tell his partner he is in love with her within weeks of meeting her. His need to secure the relationship and avoid abandonment drives him to become possessive, even with his partners things. He may refer to her house as "home," or say "our car" instead of "your car." By establishing ownership right away, he feels he is securing his catch and decreasing his chance of being deserted. Ironically, when things go awry in the relationship, the N doesn't have an issue with abandonment, as he usually bolts, without looking back.

His disorder dictates motivation, but he actually has the ability to refrain from acting upon that motivation. ...

...Those victimized often come to believe that an N is simply an insensitive player who takes what he wants and then discards it when he no longer has use for it. Convincing an N of this is much more difficult. His reality is warped and he actually views himself as the victim. In his distorted way of thinking, he has to suffer through many imperfect relationships and deal with insecure, clingy women who often "stalk" him after their relationships end, all because he is trying to find true love. Life seems so unfair to the N. He doesn't realize that his fear of abandonment, coupled with his fear of commitment, creates pain and insecurity in his partners. He is clueless to the fact that his lies and inconsistencies are what bring about the lack of trust in his relationships. Many times the N actually believes the narratives he spins for himself are true; therefore, his lies become his reality.

Because the N appears sincere, generous and giving in the beginning of his relationship, he convinces his charmed partner that he believes he's found the perfect mate. She believes that she is the answer to his prayers and gets caught up in the euphoria of ideal love. She relaxes and begins to cultivate a relationship with him.

The fear of abandonment which we spoke of earlier causes the N to secure his relationship by charming or convincing his partner that she is "the one." Once she buys into his ardent affirmations, she commits herself to the relationship with him. The N's fear of commitment causes him to back away at this stage. The hunt, the chase, and the manipulation are the "highs" for the N. The possibility that someone as special as his partner could want him is what drives him to gain her possession. Once he has her, however, he convinces himself that she must be flawed to want someone like him and begins to notice things about her that weren't as obvious in the beginning of their relationship. However, when something goes wrong, the relationship is no longer "ideal" to the N. Once flawed, the relationship loses value to him.

Ironically the very things that attracted him to his partner initially have become the things that repulse him once she commits to him. What he has seen as strong independence morphs into stubborn pride. What he viewed as impressive organizational skills become anal retentiveness. He justifies his initial blindness to her flaws by convincing himself that he had been in a vulnerable state of mind when he met her or that he allowed his physical attraction to he cloud his judgment. He feels embarrassed that he could have mistaken his attraction to her for his ideal partner, but he rationalizes that his weakened emotional state could have caused him confusion.

As the relationship begins to deteriorate (in his mind), the N plans his escape. He feels no empathy for his partner and now sees her as the "bad guy." She doesn't "get" him (he doesn't see how his inconsistencies in behavior could leave anyone with a lack of understanding.) She is too needy (he is unaware that he actually caused her insecurities by continuously pulling away from her.) She is more concerned with her needs than his (how dare anyone have a life outside of catering to an N?). By staying with a flawed, self-serving, insecure, distrusting person, the N would be compromising his "integrity." He would feel smothered, overwhelmed and victimized. He would feel as if he were giving up any chance of ever finding his ideal love. Since he ultimately puts himself and his needs first, the N doesn't hesitate to save himself from what he sees as a tortuous existence, and flees...

...Material possessions, souvenirs from partners, people who have served as "good supply," music that reminds him of positive moments in his life and trophies representing achievements or accomplishments are all kept by the N as sources of secondary narcissistic supply. His efforts to discard and forget all sources of negative supply are equally as ardent as his efforts to hang onto the positive reminders. His ability to discard people he seemed to cherish at one time is not difficult to understand once you realize that people are mere objects to the Narcissist.

Responsibility V Blame: Taking Back Our Selves

Yesterday I went to the court house to file a complaint against It2. He is in possession of upward of $2,500.00 worth of my property and owes me money for two loans I made to him. I spent a great deal of time with my therapist discussing my motives for needing to do this. There is no doubt that the inconvenience I may cause him is satisfying to some extent. But the primary reason I chose to do this is for my own self-respect.

These creatures are masters at Love Bombing, Future Faking and Fast Forwarding manipulation. We come out on the other side wondering how we've lost so much of ourselves and our lives to these people. My action is about me doing everything I can to recoup who I am and what I've lost. I am rebuilding my life now, and will continue to do so no matter what the outcome of the hearing is. Getting my stuff and money back would be great, but knowing that I stood up for myself to a man who once tried to controll my every move, thought and feeling is the biggest factor in my decision to take this on.

Before I filed the complaint I spoke with an attorney who advised that I first try every other means to collect my things and my money. I tried calling, texting and e-mailing It2 with no success. I finally went to a public place where I knew he'd be and asked nicely to talk about the matter. His response was a flat refusal to speak with me. That intense stare that I once saw as true love was terrifyingly empty. He asked what I was doing there. I replied I came to see him, to get closure and collect my things. He tediously answered that it wasn't a good time. It was never a good time with him. NEVER! I asked when a good time would be. He walked away. At this point I was angry and went outside with him and let him know exactly how I was feeling. He still refused to speak with me.

The attorney subsequently advised me to then send a certified letter notifying It2 of my intention to file a complaint if he didn't return my property to me. I did this and waited an appropriate amount of time before filing.

It2 told me on a number of occasions that he had been "stalked" by several of his exes in the past. At the time I found myself feeling sorry for him and wondering why he had been with so many women who would behave like this. What I should have felt was fear! This was one of the many red flags I missed and or ignored. Out of context, my behavior with him when he refused to speak with me could be construed as inappropriate.

But ask yourself this question?

A man has a pattern of being confronted by his exes. Who is the common denominator in this equation and what possible reasons might we have for confronting him.

I have absolutely no desire to ever see this man again. If I have to see him in court so be it. It's a price I'll pay to recoup some of my losses. But the biggest loss is, by far, the loss of my self-respect. So even if it turns out that I don't get my property or money back, the simple knowledge that I've done everything that I could do to stand up for myself is well worth it.

One of the things I'm working on is taking responsibility for what happened with the Its. My inability to do this in the past is what left me vulnerable to It2. There is no excuse for the way these men treated me, but I now understand that I am responsible for getting involved with them in the first place, or at least for not running at the first sign of abuse. This does not mean that any of what happened to me is my fault! What it means is that there is something in me that is attracted to and by these men. It is up to me to figure out why that is and how to change it. I am determined to do this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the questions of responsibility and blame. Let's start with basic definitions.

re·spon·si·bil·i·ty

• the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management.

blame:

• to hold responsible; find fault with; censure: 

• responsibility for anything deserving of censure: e.g., we must all share the blame for this deplorable condition.

Obviously these words are inextricably connected, but there is an important difference. Blame carries with it censure or reproof. It is a passive state whereby one is in a position of being justly punished for something. Responsibility is active, it is empowering. It does not hold any connotation of censure, reproof or deserved punishment.

In the case of victimization by an Npath, censure (and punishment) is definitely warranted for the victimizer. His actions are deliberate and malicious with the intent of self gain and harm toward another. The victim is in no way acting to harm or hurt another. She is above reproach. However, she is responsible (accountable) for allowing this kind of victimization to begin or continue. Once she accepts this responsibility it becomes easier for her to avoid future victimization.

These are tricky distinctions because they can lead down a slippery slope of victim blaming. For example, when I taught self defense, I used the following analogy to expose how victims of rape and domestic violence are often blamed. Imagine the following scenario written in 1975.

*****

The Rape of Mr Smith

“Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of 16th and Locust?”

“Yes.”
 

“Did you struggle with the robber?”
 

“No.”
 

“Why not?”
 

“He was armed.”
 

“Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than to resist?”
 

“Yes.”
 

“Did you scream? Cry out?”
 

“No. I was afraid.”
 

“I see. Have you ever been held up before?”
 

“No.”
 

“Have you ever given money away?”
 

“Yes, of course–”
 

“And did you do so willingly?”
 

“What are you getting at?”
 

“Well, let’s put it like this, Mr. Smith. You’ve given away money in the past–in fact, you have quite a 

reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you weren’t contriving to have your money 

 taken from you by force?”
 

“Listen, if I wanted–”
 

“Never mind. What time did this holdup take place, Mr. Smith?”
 

“About 11 p.m.”
 

“You were out on the streets at 11 p.m.? Doing what?”
 

“Just walking.”
 

“Just walking? You know it’s dangerous being out on the street that late at night. Weren’t you aware that you could have been held up?”
 

“I hadn’t thought about it.”
 

“What were you wearing at the time, Mr. Smith?”
 

“Let’s see. A suit. Yes, a suit.”
 

“An expensive suit?”
 

“Well–yes.”
 

“In other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking around the streets late at night in a suit that practically advertised the fact that you might be a good target for some easy money, isn’t that so? I mean, if we didn’t know better, Mr. Smith, we might even think you were asking for this to happen, mightn’t we?”
 

“Look, can’t we talk about the past history of the guy who did this to me?”
 

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Smith. I don’t think you would want to violate his rights, now, would you?”  

*****

I have experienced this sort of blaming from mutual friends of It2. While I understand that their motivation is to help me take responsibility for ignoring red flags and normalizing abusive behavior, their criticism often slides down this slippery slope. It is damaging to victims of abuse. But not taking responsibility leaves us in a passive state of weakness. To take responsibility is to empower ourselves.

Wrapping my head around the difference between responsibility and blame has been difficult and I'm not sure I'm completely there yet. But I do know that until I was able to  even look at my role in my experiences I was never really on the path to healing.

Love and hugs,
Laura