Okay.... One last post! :D

F.I.D.O. - My Surrender - Stage Six

Dear Fellow Travelers,

The time has finally come to make my last It Can Happen to Anyone blog entry. I have surrendered and have found peace.

It is impossible to put into words the leap of faith that brought me here, but it has a great deal to do with becoming fed up with feeling bad and turning back to the work of Eckhart Tolle, whose teachings were not coincidentally what got me through the hardest parts of my escape and recovery. My last recommendation to all of you is to read and listen to all of his teachings. Here's a taste:

One of the things I've come to understand through Tolle's teaching is that pathological people are pure unadulterated ego. Ego without the possibility of ever awakening to consciousness in their present form. They are not aware, in any meaningful sense of the word, of what they are doing to others. That is not to say they don't know what they're doing (they do!) but only in the realm of ego driven pathology. This realization has opened up space in me to be able to forgive my ex-pathological for what he has done to me and to others, and to forgive myself as well. This does not mean that I will ever be willing to communicate with him in any shape or form. I won't. It simply means that I have dissolved all emotional entanglements to him and am ready to live life.

I will leave this blog up and continue to moderate comments and replies. I hope that it continues to be a source of help for future travelers.

When I first mentioned to one of my dear fell0w travelers that I was ready to move on and to end my blog, she replied, "Oh yeah! FIDO!", which stands for "fuck it drive on."

I laughed. Thought for a moment.... and replied,

"No. It's really...FORGAVE IT. Driving on..."

Another fellow traveler congratulated me for finally reaching stage six of my recovery. In her e-mail she included an insightful list of stages survivors of pathologicals go through. I leave you with this list and send positive energy out to each and all of you who find this blog that you reach stage six soon.

Stages of recovery for victims of NPD:

The following is a non-scientific observation with absolutely NO empirical data to back it up. Just some personal observations.

1. Realization: In the beginning, it was a dream come true. The most intoxicating earth-shattering love imaginable. Then came the 1st crack in perfection. An inexplicable rage in your partner that seemed way out of line with the circumstance.

Then, maybe you remember that moment when it finally dawned on you that "something" was not right. At first, you thought you were dealing with a person who had 2 sides to him: A good side and a bad (conflicted) side. You figured others (the ones who warned you or sensed something "not right") didn't understand the underlying good person. You thought you could be the person who made that person whole: At least that's what he told you.

In a short period of time, you went from being perfection in his eyes, to a person who could do nothing right. You walked on eggshells avoiding anything that might set him off. You lived for the moment that things would go back to the way they were.

The fights were confusing. Sometimes you didn't even know what you'd done to anger him. The rages became more frequent and began to resemble abuse (verbal or physical). The lies were the most confusing because sometimes they were about things so insignificant, there was no point to the lie. He made you think that YOU were the one with "memory problems" and at one point, you actually thought it might be true that you were losing it. (You were a victim of gas-lighting).

The more dominant he became, the more submissive you became...losing yourself in the process.

Then one day, perhaps via the Internet or a magazine article, or TV special....you became aware of NPD and suddenly you realized you weren't alone and there was an actual disorder associated with the person you thought you knew.

2. Denial: You researched NPD and because the prognosis for it is so bleak, you continually searched for a different (more treatable) disorder.

You left him, then fell victim again, and "danced the dance" over and over again until your emotions were so sapped that you were at the point of breakdown yourself.

You drove your family, friends, and yourself crazy talking about it constantly. This also served to make you look like a complete idiot every time you once again fell for his manipulative declarations of love and change.

Eventually you realized that your partner was a Narcissist and you were terrified.

3. Anger at the N: You began to uncover all the lies and deceptions. The anger was overwhelming. How could he act that way to someone who had given so much of themselves? You were so angry that you had constant thoughts and even nightmares about him. You watched as he continued his routine of exploitation with others and even thought of "outing" this master of deception to the rest of the world.

4. Anger at yourself: (The most difficult stage of all.) You began to feel like an idiot for having let yourself be so obviously deceived. You realized you were going to have to eat mud, because many of your friends warned you that he was not what he seemed. You became deeply depressed and had a long road ahead recuperating the part of yourself that you sacrificed to an illusion. The fact that you finally realized he and your relationship was only an illusion, only served to depress you more deeply.

5. Coming to terms: You made a complete emotional (and hopefully physical) break from him. At this point he didn't even like you anymore as you weren't supplying NS, anyway. You started to pick up the pieces and regain the inner strength you previously had. You networked and your friends began to enjoy the fact that you had something to talk about that didn't involve your "N." You started to laugh again and enjoy the things you'd unconsciously given up. You began to feel like a valuable person again.

Oddly enough, this for many, was a dangerous moment because with your new strength, you became once again "attractive/valued" to your "N." But this time you knew enough to know that he was a "Soul Without Footprints" and the person you thought existed was a figment of his own imagination mixed in with a little wishful thinking on your part.

So you walked away, half-healed, but still slightly marred by self-doubt. Perhaps you began to see NPD EVERYWHERE...even when it wasn't merited.

But most important, you came to know you were involved with a person with an illness of the emotions that can rarely be treated....and it wasn't your fault.

*Note: And although the disorder is not his fault and empathy can not be surgically transplanted, he is well aware of the harm and hurt he causes. He just honestly doesn't care because he does not have the capacity to actually feel what others feel...only what he himself feels. N's are emotional predators. They will steal your heart to acquire your happiness, money, prestige....or whatever it is that feeds their NS needs.

6. True Recovery: One day you wake up and find that you honestly don't care anymore. It is the most liberating feeling imaginable. You realize that normal people are everywhere and your brush with this previously unimaginable individual or anyone else like him, is not likely to ever happen again.

You are now ready to resume life. Make lemonade from the lemons in your life. Use the information you unwillingly acquired, as a life lesson. Use it to realize that you are one of the luckiest people in the world because YOU have the ability to laugh and enjoy life. YOU have a chance at happiness. The "N" never does and never will. If perchance you have a need for revenge...that in itself should suffice.

So, for now (and that is all there really is) Emily and I are just fine!

Much love and great big hugs.... Laura

Questions of Closure and the CRITICAL Importance of NO CONTACT.

I will be traveling back east for an extended vacation this summer. While there I will have the opportunity to travel to upstate NY to visit some friends I made while I was with It. That possibility has resurrected the fantasy that many fellow-travelers share. The fantasy of being able to have some sort of closure in the aftermath of a relationship with a pathological.

This closure fantasy has an essential component. That afterward, It/They will somehow understand what they've done to us. What we want is to let them know that we know what they are and explain it in such a way that they will understand and experience remorse.

I discussed this possibility with a fellow traveler and with my therapist. My fellow traveler believes that there is therapeutic value in my confronting It for me. Confronting someone who's hurt us, whether in person, by journal etc. is a common therapeutic devise for those who are dealing with NORMAL relationships. Knowing this, my friend was exploring the possibility of any therapeutic value for me in confronting It.

I thought about it for a long time after our conversation and even before talking to my therapist about it, I decided that it would only feed It with negative supply and could have no value for me whatever. The fact that confronting a pathological can't have any value is part of why there is NO closure from a relationship with a pathological. The outcome will inevitably leave us more frustrated at their inability to empathize with what they've done - and remember empathy is an impossibility for these people. But after discussing it with my therapist I realized that confronting It can do nothing but put me in REAL danger in two specific ways:

A: Exposing ourselves to our ex pathological leaves us WIDE open to be sucked in again. Remember they have the ability to hypnotize us and place us in a trance-like state VERY quickly. Confronting our ex-pathological leaves us wide open for re-victimization.

B: Psychopaths absolutely HATE to be exposed face to face. Confronting our ex-pathologicals puts us in danger of severe wrath and retribution at the hand of someone who has absolutely no empathy for anyone and who is prone to rages. Very dangerous!

Though there are many, many other reasons, these two reasons alone establish why having an ABSOLUTE rule of NO CONTACT is essential not only for healing, but also for our own safety. So even though I will probably always feel the need to confront It with the truth of what It is and what It's done to me and It's other victims, I understand that it can only result in opening me up to more danger and more pain with no possibility for a positive outcome whatever.

love and hugs, Laura

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

The following is a reply I wrote to a dear friend of mine who knew me before It. She is understandably concerned about me and offers the kind of advice well meaning loved ones give when something sad happens. She asks me to find strength to stop wallowing in and mourning a relationship that concluded over a year ago. Here's my reply:

I'm not offended. What I read here is love and concern. Thank you. I hope you never understand what I'm going through. I don't wish it on anyone. But it's not wallowing or mourning a relationship. It's recovering from the aftermath of it. I have complex PTSD, which means that along with the triggers, high blood pressure, early onset menopause, weight gain and all the other host of symptoms my brain has been rewired. I am not your tkd instructor, feminist inspiration, political mentor any more. I don't know who I am. I'm starting from scratch and that's not easy. This isn't something one can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on from. You're right having known who I was before this, it would seem likely that if anyone could, it would be me. Well I'm as fallen as the dozens of others I'm in contact with who are struggling with the same disease. None of us are mourning the relationship. What we are mourning is the death of who we were before them. I'm no longer self deteriorating... I'm simply struggling to find pieces that fit together that will create a whole me again. love el

Healing...

Dear Fellow Travelers... it's been a while since I've blogged. I suspect I'm trying to limit the amount of time I spend immersed in "It's" space. But I wanted to give you a brief update.

Emily and I are healing. Though neither of us will ever be the same again, we're both finding ways to live and love life again.

I'm encouraged with the positive results I'm experiencing with EMDR therapy. I'm finding that the intrusive thoughts are less frequent and when they do come up I'm much more aware of what they are and where they are coming from, enabling me to dissipate them more quickly.

I'm also embracing the experience of becoming whole again. It's kind of like a rebirth. I get to decide who I am all over again, with the luxury of knowing who I was before I was destroyed. With the help of loved ones I'm rediscovering my love of playing piano and flute again. I'm still riding mountain bike and enjoying the Sonoran Desert. I'm decorating the house of my dreams and loving a wonderful man who supports me through the good and bad times.

Rebuilding a life after a pathological relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm on my way... :D

Love and hugs,
Laura

Responsibility, Blame and Injury

Emily has recently developed pain in her lower back and right hip. After a series of X-rays the veterinarian has determined that the damage is soft tissue damage and is likely the result of overuse or injury.

I believe that Emily's injury is the result of my taking her riding with me too often and too hard without giving her proper warm-ups and stretches etc. My responsibility in harming my girl has got me thinking more about the questions concerning responsibility, blame and victim blaming in terms of relationships.


Coincidentally an anonymous reader recently posted the following comment on my "Choices and Free Will" blog entry:

OMG!!! What a diatribe! You blame him for everything, why don't you grow some balls and take responsibility for your actions too!! You permitted him to walk all over you. Stop being the victim and lick your wounds. The real problem lies with you, not him!!! Was he an asshole??? Most likely... But there is a proverb,"Never acquire a taste for shit, otherwise you'll eat it for the rest of your life!"

If our poster's comment were valid it seems Emily would do well to lick her wounds and take responsibility for her injuries. Is this a fair analogy or a false one? After all, Emily has a brain no larger than a plum. But Emily can feel pain and exhaustion and has been known to refuse to do what she doesn't want to do. Emily has free will and knows when she feels bad. So, what is Emily's real responsibility in all of this? Hers is the same as mine was with It. Ignorance, innocence, a desire to enjoy life and to please the one she loves the most.

It might follow that my responsibility for Emily's injury and It's responsibility for mine are equal. The fact is in terms of sheer responsibility, we are both 100% responsible. But our responsibility differs qualitatively. I did not hurt Emily on purpose. I didn't go out and get a dog for the sheer purpose of using up, destroying and discarding her. I adopted Emily to share my life with her and to make her happy. I am taking Emily to physical therapy and doing everything in my power to help her to heal. I won't make the same mistake again.

It targeted me for the sole purpose of using me up and destroying me. It realized I was vulnerable and played the role of lover until I wanted to please him as much as possible. Then It proceeded to consciously and systematically destroy me. It will continue to seek out others to destroy.

Now here's another difference. The love of a dog is unconditional and infinite, so is their innocence. My hurting Emily didn't rob her of her innocence. The aftermath of It robbed me of mine. Emily will always be vulnerable. So will I, but hopefully not as vulnerable.

One of the many intrusive thoughts that haunt me is a desire to ask It, "How does it feel to have destroyed so many lives?' What an ironic question to ask a psychopath! But it's one that succinctly describes the difference between us and them. They CAN'T feel! No matter how much you try to explain what they've done they simply are incapable of comprehending it...AT ALL. In destroying me (and It's previous lovers) it felt nothing. In destroying It's ex-wife It felt only the twinge of a lost reputation and having been exposed.

I believe that a pathological's lack of remorse is at the core of why victims are never able t0 feel closure. How does it feel to have hurt Emily? It hurts me more than I can express. I miss my girl when I ride. I cringe when I watch her in pain. My heart sinks to my stomach when I see her unable to do what she used to be able to do.

Ask It how it feels to have destroyed so many lives? My guess is It's answer would be much like the anonymous poster's comment:

"The real problem lies with her. She needs to take responsibility for her ignorance, innocence and desire to love. "

Love and hugs,
Laura

The Trauma Response by Dr. Patti Levin

The following links to a pdf file listing normal responses to abnormal events entitled The Trauma Response"

Those of us with complex PTSD will recognize the symptoms, while the specific event(s) will be much murkier. The suggestions for self care are helpful.

http://www.drpattilevin.com/educational/trauma_response.pdf

Love and hugs, Laura

PTSD Documentary recommended by my therapist

The reaction is usually, "Well you were never in combat." but PTSD is also the result of being shattered by a psychopath. This documentary offers insight. Love and hugs, Laura

Help for "Co-parenting" with a Sociopath - Another great lovefraud. com article

This article gives great advice and suggestions for how to establish and maintain no contact with your ex-NS should It still have legal rights to your child.

Love and hugs, Laura

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Political Ponerology - A Must Read!

The presence or absence of concience is a deep human division, arguably more significant than intelligence, race or even gender.

-Laura Knight-Jadczyk Editor of Political Ponerology by Andrew M. Lobaczewski

Game Theory, Evolution and Pathologicals

Game Theory article on lovefraud.com

Psychopathy as evolutionary niche pdf article

The sociobiology of sociopathy article.

Haiku sent by a Fellow Traveler

My storehouse having burnt down, nothing obscures my view of the bright moon.

-Japanese Haiku author unknown

Resistance is Futile

This retreat has solidified all of what I’ve come to know to be true about recovering from a pathological relationship. While differing in specifics for each fellow traveler the process shares some essential qualities. One of these is the absolute need to purge the poison of evil we’ve consumed during our victimization. The nausea that our awakening brings causes us to vomit all of the gory details of what our respective pathologicals did to us. * Luckily I had O to help me through my purging. She had a vested interest in my healing process since we share the same psychopath. Most of us don’t have that luxury or even the luxury of having someone around who understands at all. Those of us who find avenues (though I’m not sure there are any others) like the retreat I’m attending find, perhaps for the first time, other survivors and an opportunity to share our stories and purge, purge, purge. **

For the past year I’ve been politely purging on this blog and rudely vomiting on my friends and family to the point of alienating them. I think I’m almost done with that part of my healing process, and am very glad. It feels remarkably like the sensation of relief one feels after actually physically vomiting as the nausea subsides and you pray that was the last time for a while.

Of the many insights I’ve gained during the course of this retreat there is one in particular I think will serve me the most afterward. That is that no matter what specific things our specific pathological did to us (and they are remarkably the same) the end result is the same. Inevitable harm by an incurable psychopath. Focusing on the minutia of what happened keeps alive the illusion that we can somehow figure out a way to avoid evil. But we can’t. And it is that fact… that evil exists, that it has always existed and that it will continue to exist until the end of the world… that each of us is resisting with our entire being.

I have spent my entire life struggling to eliminate “evil” in some form. Whether the evil of capitalists, war, misogyny, racism or whatever; I believed that human beings are ALL inherently good and can, therefore figure out a way to live in peace. This was the fundamental belief that I have lost. For other fellow travelers it is a fundamental shift in how they view God or whatever belief system they have in place. What is common to all these belief systems is a stubborn refusal to accept that evil exists, has always existed and will always exist until the end of the world and that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to eliminate it. Resisting the acceptance of this reality is futile. The misalignment I feel is the final vestiges of the cognitive dissonance that defines a relationship with a pathological. We as normal people have been trying to reconcile being with resident evil while denying its existence. Continuing to try to understand why a pathological did this to me is an attempt to find a solution where there is none. It did it because that's what psychopaths do and there is NO changing that.

As a philosopher I have studied these questions in great depth, but have struggled tooth and nail to resist the seemingly pessimistic view that human beings are not redeemable as a species. My whole cloth rejection of Existentialism and Post Modernism is the most obvious example of this resistance. My guess is that if any of my philosophy professors are reading this they are probably smiling. I hope one day to smile about it too, but I'm feeling pretty pessimistic at the moment.

Love and hugs, Laura

*There are lots or reasons why and how this happens, e.g. PTSD symptoms, brain chemistry, etc. I highly recommend reading Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm by Sandra Brown.

**Thank you Sandra Brown and the Institute for Relational Harm Reduction, for providing this safe space.

It Won with a 49

I am currently attending a retreat for survivors of a pathological relationship given by Sandra Brown entitled Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships. Sandra is a cutting edge leader working on helping survivors of psychopathic love relationships. She is the author of several books including, Women Who Love Psychopaths - Inside Relationships of Inevitable Harm. Attending this workshop is a gift I wish all survivors could receive. Today was the first day of the five day retreat. Although I was going to wait until after the entire event was over to blog about it I decided to write this post in advance while it's still fresh in my mind. I'm emotionally drained and very tired, so I don't plan on editing this. My apologies for typos or lack of clarity in this post....

Robert Hare is well known in the field of psychology as the leading expert on psychopathy who developed the first standardized test for psychopathy. His work has been primarily with convicted criminals, but the test has proven to be accurate in measuring psychopaths who remain under the legal radar. His tests include a psychopathy checklist test for those involved with psychopaths. This makes perfect sense since accurately testing psychopaths themselves is virtually impossible since part of psychopathy is pathological lying.

From Wickipedia:

PCL-R Model of psychopathy

The PCL-R is a clinical rating scale (rated by a psychologist or other professional) of 20 items. Each of the items in the PCL-R is scored on a three-point scale according to specific criteria through file information and a semi-structured interview. A value of 0 is assigned if the item does not apply, 1 if it applies somewhat, and 2 if it fully applies. In addition to lifestyle and criminal behavior the checklist assesses glib and superficial charm, grandiosity, need for stimulation, pathological lying, conning and manipulating, lack of remorse, callousness, poor behavioral controls, impulsivity, irresponsibility, failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions and so forth. The scores are used to predict risk for criminal re-offence and probability of rehabilitation.

The current edition of the PCL-R officially lists four factors (1.a, 1.b, 2.a, and 2.b), which summarize the 20 assessed areas via factor analysis. The previous edition of the PCL-R^[4] listed two factors. Factor 1 is labelled "selfish, callous and remorseless use of others". Factor 2 is labelled as "chronically unstable, antisocial and socially deviant lifestyle". There is a high risk of recidivism and currently small likelihood of rehabilitation for those who are labelled as having "psychopathy" on the basis of the PCL-R ratings in the manual for the test, although treatment research is ongoing.

PCL-R Factors 1a and 1b are correlated with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. It is associated with extroversion and positive affect. Factor 1, the so-called core personality traits of psychopathy, may even be beneficial for the psychopath (in terms of nondeviant social functioning).

PCL-R Factor 2a and 2b are particularly strongly correlated to antisocial personality disorder and criminality and is associated with reactive anger, criminality, and impulsive violence. The target group for the PCL-R is convicted criminals. The quality of ratings may depend on how much background information is available and whether the person rated is honest and forthright.

I have known about this test for some time, but have (subconsciously) avoided taking it. Last night when Sandra announced we would be taking it, my first reaction was to fear that It would rate below the cut off level for psychopathy. This is a normal reaction given the nature of pathological abuse and victims' proclivity toward minimizing their abusers behavior and even though I am aware of that reality still wondered how It would "measure up."

After listening to the introduction stories of the four fellow travelers who are also retreating I was fairly sure It would fall below the men that these women were describing. I decided that I would approach the test as openly and objectively as I could, not awarding It any leniency based on the "good" times nor condemning it unfairly. After all, I really want to know what the hell happened to me and this is a useful tool.

Surprising to me -- but not to anyone else I know -- It not only tested fairly high on scale, but was higher than my fellow traveler's pathologicals with a 49 out of 60 (30 being the cut-off.)

This knowledge is both validating and unsettling. It seems that even with all of the research I've done and distance I've gained I am still minimizing It's pathology and what happened to me. This test validated my experience in a very tangible way. But it also made me even more grateful than ever that I was able to escape as quickly as I did. This man IS dangerous. VERY dangerous. For whatever reasons it may not be acting out now, but it is capable of so much more than even the unspeakable damage it has already done to those around It.

One thing is a given, It is, by definition, incapable of changing or even improving. It will continue to damage and destroy all who come in close contact with it. Knowing that someone is a psychopath isn't enough. Case in point - Hare, like other mental health professionals, was consistently taken in by his inmate patients knowing full well who he was dealing with. No one is immune... the only real safety is in NO contact. I pray for the safety of all those who come in contact with It.

Love and hugs, Laura