Emily has recently developed pain in her lower back and right hip. After a series of X-rays the veterinarian has determined that the damage is soft tissue damage and is likely the result of overuse or injury.I believe that Emily's injury is the result of my taking her riding with me too often and too hard without giving her proper warm-ups and stretches etc. My responsibility in harming my girl has got me thinking more about the questions concerning responsibility, blame and victim blaming in terms of relationships.
Coincidentally an anonymous reader recently posted the following comment on my "Choices and Free Will" blog entry:
OMG!!! What a diatribe! You blame him for everything, why don't you grow some balls and take responsibility for your actions too!! You permitted him to walk all over you. Stop being the victim and lick your wounds. The real problem lies with you, not him!!! Was he an asshole??? Most likely... But there is a proverb,"Never acquire a taste for shit, otherwise you'll eat it for the rest of your life!"
If our poster's comment were valid it seems Emily would do well to lick her wounds and take responsibility for her injuries. Is this a fair analogy or a false one? After all, Emily has a brain no larger than a plum. But Emily can feel pain and exhaustion and has been known to refuse to do what she doesn't want to do. Emily has free will and knows when she feels bad. So, what is Emily's real responsibility in all of this? Hers is the same as mine was with It. Ignorance, innocence, a desire to enjoy life and to please the one she loves the most.
It might follow that my responsibility for Emily's injury and It's responsibility for mine are equal. The fact is in terms of sheer responsibility, we are both 100% responsible. But our responsibility differs qualitatively. I did not hurt Emily on purpose. I didn't go out and get a dog for the sheer purpose of using up, destroying and discarding her. I adopted Emily to share my life with her and to make her happy. I am taking Emily to physical therapy and doing everything in my power to help her to heal. I won't make the same mistake again.
It targeted me for the sole purpose of using me up and destroying me. It realized I was vulnerable and played the role of lover until I wanted to please him as much as possible. Then It proceeded to consciously and systematically destroy me. It will continue to seek out others to destroy.
Now here's another difference. The love of a dog is unconditional and infinite, so is their innocence. My hurting Emily didn't rob her of her innocence. The aftermath of It robbed me of mine. Emily will always be vulnerable. So will I, but hopefully not as vulnerable.
One of the many intrusive thoughts that haunt me is a desire to ask It, "How does it feel to have destroyed so many lives?' What an ironic question to ask a psychopath! But it's one that succinctly describes the difference between us and them. They CAN'T feel! No matter how much you try to explain what they've done they simply are incapable of comprehending it...AT ALL. In destroying me (and It's previous lovers) it felt nothing. In destroying It's ex-wife It felt only the twinge of a lost reputation and having been exposed.
I believe that a pathological's lack of remorse is at the core of why victims are never able t0 feel closure. How does it feel to have hurt Emily? It hurts me more than I can express. I miss my girl when I ride. I cringe when I watch her in pain. My heart sinks to my stomach when I see her unable to do what she used to be able to do.
Ask It how it feels to have destroyed so many lives? My guess is It's answer would be much like the anonymous poster's comment:
"The real problem lies with her. She needs to take responsibility for her ignorance, innocence and desire to love. "
Love and hugs,
Laura
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