I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to fully heal until I can go home to Tucson. The problem rests in my love of jazz and the city of Pittsburgh. As a friend put it, "perhaps the fear is rooted in the social dynamics of the situation. After all your ex is a big fish in a little pond and you're a guppy." That rang true to me. Running into It2 at the jazz clubs I attend would put me in a position of lower status in a hierarchical environment. I love jazz. I love jazz as much as I love(d) mountain biking. Pittsburgh jazz is my only respite in an otherwise miserable situation. So I continue to try to find a way to balance my love of jazz with my self imposed restrictions, all the while knowing that the inevitable encounter would eventually come to pass.
About a week ago I went to my favorite jazz club to hear one of my sax teachers perform. It was on a night I was 95% sure that It2 wouldn't show up. But I was wrong. It2 did show up. Thankfully not to perform, but as it walked right past me I braced myself for the trigger that would follow. Much to my surprise I didn't melt down. I've grown a lot in the past year and have gathered strength from my family and friends. Although I did experience a trigger, I was able to put it in perspective. The first thought that came to mind was,"NO! I will not give It2 that power!" and I truly felt that conviction. I stayed. I must admit it was difficult to re-immerse myself into the music, but the fact that I was able to even peripherally enjoy the evening marks a huge personal victory.
Later, I stepped outside to smoke thinking that It2 had already left. I was wrong. As I was standing in front of the door it opened, hitting me in the back. It2 came out and said, "Oh, sorry." When I discovered it was It2 I, once again, wondered if the trigger would overwhelm me. But, much to my surprise, I responded, "Yes! You should be sorry! For that, and so much more!"
Perhaps this wasn't the best response given the circumstances, but I later realized that this was the only kind of apology one can receive from an NSpath. A perfunctory, inconsequential apology toward a would be stranger that is ultimately meaningless. Did It2 know it was me outside the door? No. And it really doesn't matter. In any case, It2's response was to make sure I knew that it was not inclined to acknowledge me. It2 called back to my friend I was talking with as a gesture of regaining dominance. No matter...she saw through it and I felt the love and support of true friends there. But more importantly I now know that I am healing.
I still believe that I won't fully heal until I am able to go home, but now that the first encounter with It2 is over I can feel a bit easier about going out. I will still watch my back and be vigilant of my triggers, but the fact that I took back some of my power is a huge advance.
Love and hugs,
Laura
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