November 30, 2009
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I left this on his pillow and he took a photo of it.
Echo and Narcissus
A digital journal to aid in healing and recovery from a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner.
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A Blog of Hope and Recovery for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
by Laura Kamienski 11/23/2008
For the past decade I have taught women and girls to protect themselves. I am considered an expert in the field of women's self-defense. My course consists not only of helping women to learn to protect their bodies, but includes activities designed to help women develop skills to protect their hearts as well.
Over the last few months I've been asking myself how it happened that in 2007-2008 I found myself immersed in an emotionally abusive relationship to the point of losing my heart, soul and all of my self-esteem. A relationship that robbed me of my essence and destroyed my capacity to believe in the goodness of humanity. The answer is that I fell in love with a man with...
Before I continue it's important to point out that labeling my ex's behavior as the result of a disorder awards him too much sympathy and leniency. He, and all other narcissists (N's) and sociopaths, know exactly what they are doing. While their inclinations are driven by a tragic psychological disorder, their actions are chosen. They choose to abuse! Plain and simple. If you're not sure about this and want to believe that their behavior is beyond their control, ask yourself two questions. First, why are they able to behave in diametrically opposing manners depending on who's watching? and Second, if they don't know right from wrong, why are they bothered when someone finds out about their cruelty or abuse?
Over the last few months I've been asking myself how it happened that in 2007-2008 I found myself immersed in an emotionally abusive relationship to the point of losing my heart, soul and all of my self-esteem. A relationship that robbed me of my essence and destroyed my capacity to believe in the goodness of humanity. The answer is that I fell in love with a man with...
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Before I continue it's important to point out that labeling my ex's behavior as the result of a disorder awards him too much sympathy and leniency. He, and all other narcissists (N's) and sociopaths, know exactly what they are doing. While their inclinations are driven by a tragic psychological disorder, their actions are chosen. They choose to abuse! Plain and simple. If you're not sure about this and want to believe that their behavior is beyond their control, ask yourself two questions. First, why are they able to behave in diametrically opposing manners depending on who's watching? and Second, if they don't know right from wrong, why are they bothered when someone finds out about their cruelty or abuse?
I left this on his pillow and he took a photo of it.
All couples share special phrases or gestures. For my ex and me it was that we were a "perfect fit." I can't tell you how astonished and devastated I was to learn how many Victims of N's (VoN's) are perfect fits for their N's. Of course they are! N's write the script and VoN's become the leading lady. As soon as they've secured your love they start "training" you for your role. Once you were beautiful, now you need make-up. Once you were incredibly insightful, now your thoughts are trite, once your being a tom-boy was endearing, now you're just not feminine enough, and on and on...
The purpose of this journal is not to vent or to bash my ex. It's only purpose is to aid in my healing and to help other victims of emotional abuse. I have very conflicted feelings about doing this. N's can consume both positive and negative Narcissistic Supply (NS)*. A potential side effect of my blog is as a grand source of negative NS. I have weighed this reality against the potential value that it has for my own recovery and the possibility of it helping others. More than anything survivors need to solidify their experiences and to realize that they are not crazy, and that what they've experienced is real.
Over time I will use this space to describe the devastating consequences of loving someone with NPD. It is impossible to fully comprehend the depth of damage that a relationship with an N causes unless you've experienced it for yourself. (A fate I don't wish on anyone!) The best metaphor I've come across so far (and there are many) is that being in a relationship with an N is like living in a house of mirrors. Nothing is real, though some of it seems more real than reality. In fact, even better than reality!!
Briefly stated N's have the uncanny ability to read you cover to cover in the blink of an eye. N's are typically very intelligent, often good looking, usually charismatic and charming. When they spot a source of NS they morph into exactly the man (less frequently the woman) you've only dreamed about. They become everything you've always wanted and then some. They make you feel like you matter more than anything in the world and that you are special.
Just like a soap opera in which this week's star is discarded in favor a new leading lady who seems better able to measure up to some ideal, it simply doesn't matter how perfect the first one was for the leading man last season, she simply isn't good enough. (Think Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love video. We're all replaceable sources of NS.)
This process of idealization and devaluation is inherent in the narcissistic relationship. Devaluation begins long before the break up, when the NS you're supplying becomes stale or weak. It is during that process that your soul is chipped away until you're no longer recognizable to anyone who knew you before your N.
In order to heal, it's important that you understand the person you've been dealing with, but it is as important to learn about yourself and why you are not to blame for the abuse you've experienced. If nothing else I hope this blog will help strengthen your Nar-dar! None of us are ever completely safe from N manipulation, but we can learn to more quickly recognize certain behavior patterns and escape before it's too late.
If you are involved with an N, as you read you will find yourself in a state of relief and disbelief. "OMG that's him!" will cross your mind, or your lips repeatedly. All of a sudden all the confusion, mixed messages, and disconnects will make a bit more sense, though I can tell you now that you shouldn't expect it to ever make complete sense or to experience genuine closure.
It is important to remember that N's are capable of controlling their actions and to know right from wrong. Once I realized that my ex had a disorder I found myself feeling sorry for him. Though understanding does make it easier for me to cope, it's important that VoN's place responsibility where it rightfully belongs, on the abuser. I now refuse to feel anything but regret and disdain for him.
*******************************************************
The following is a passage from Narcissistic Loves: How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble, M.S.
Though realizing that his cruelty wasn't intentionally directed at you is of some explanation, we know it doesn't offer complete comfort. When in the throes of heartache, however, after understanding the N is afflicted with a personality disorder, and is seemingly at its mercy, many people tend to feel pity for him. Remember, though, not to pity the N for very long. Beware that although his motivations are spurred by his disorder, he is an adult, regardless of his childlike, emotional state of being. As an adult, he knows right from wrong and has the ability to make moral choices. By giving in to his cravings and cruelly using others, he demonstrates a weakness in his personality (one of many character flaws). He can and must be held accountable for his actions regardless of the fact that he feels no remorse for them.
So don't waste sympathy on your N. Sure, he feels driven by the desire to obtain ideal love and feels he is at the mercy of those desires. While his mother may have given him too much or too little love, chances are she taught him right from wrong. Even if she failed in that area as well, adults don't become adults without being exposed to that knowledge and somewhere along the way must be held responsible for their own actions.
******************************************************
I plan to work on this regularly so check back often. For now... remember that if you are recovering from a relationship with an N, the 18 inches between your head and your heart will be the longest journey you've ever been on.
*Narcissistic Supply is any form of attention, be it positive (adulation, admiration) or negative (anger or pain perceived to be caused by the N in question.) In other words, any behavior that reifies the False Self of the N.
Peace,
Laura
The purpose of this journal is not to vent or to bash my ex. It's only purpose is to aid in my healing and to help other victims of emotional abuse. I have very conflicted feelings about doing this. N's can consume both positive and negative Narcissistic Supply (NS)*. A potential side effect of my blog is as a grand source of negative NS. I have weighed this reality against the potential value that it has for my own recovery and the possibility of it helping others. More than anything survivors need to solidify their experiences and to realize that they are not crazy, and that what they've experienced is real.
Over time I will use this space to describe the devastating consequences of loving someone with NPD. It is impossible to fully comprehend the depth of damage that a relationship with an N causes unless you've experienced it for yourself. (A fate I don't wish on anyone!) The best metaphor I've come across so far (and there are many) is that being in a relationship with an N is like living in a house of mirrors. Nothing is real, though some of it seems more real than reality. In fact, even better than reality!!
Briefly stated N's have the uncanny ability to read you cover to cover in the blink of an eye. N's are typically very intelligent, often good looking, usually charismatic and charming. When they spot a source of NS they morph into exactly the man (less frequently the woman) you've only dreamed about. They become everything you've always wanted and then some. They make you feel like you matter more than anything in the world and that you are special.
Just like a soap opera in which this week's star is discarded in favor a new leading lady who seems better able to measure up to some ideal, it simply doesn't matter how perfect the first one was for the leading man last season, she simply isn't good enough. (Think Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love video. We're all replaceable sources of NS.)
This process of idealization and devaluation is inherent in the narcissistic relationship. Devaluation begins long before the break up, when the NS you're supplying becomes stale or weak. It is during that process that your soul is chipped away until you're no longer recognizable to anyone who knew you before your N.
In order to heal, it's important that you understand the person you've been dealing with, but it is as important to learn about yourself and why you are not to blame for the abuse you've experienced. If nothing else I hope this blog will help strengthen your Nar-dar! None of us are ever completely safe from N manipulation, but we can learn to more quickly recognize certain behavior patterns and escape before it's too late.
If you are involved with an N, as you read you will find yourself in a state of relief and disbelief. "OMG that's him!" will cross your mind, or your lips repeatedly. All of a sudden all the confusion, mixed messages, and disconnects will make a bit more sense, though I can tell you now that you shouldn't expect it to ever make complete sense or to experience genuine closure.
It is important to remember that N's are capable of controlling their actions and to know right from wrong. Once I realized that my ex had a disorder I found myself feeling sorry for him. Though understanding does make it easier for me to cope, it's important that VoN's place responsibility where it rightfully belongs, on the abuser. I now refuse to feel anything but regret and disdain for him.
*******************************************************
The following is a passage from Narcissistic Loves: How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cynthia Zayn & Kevin Dibble, M.S.
Though realizing that his cruelty wasn't intentionally directed at you is of some explanation, we know it doesn't offer complete comfort. When in the throes of heartache, however, after understanding the N is afflicted with a personality disorder, and is seemingly at its mercy, many people tend to feel pity for him. Remember, though, not to pity the N for very long. Beware that although his motivations are spurred by his disorder, he is an adult, regardless of his childlike, emotional state of being. As an adult, he knows right from wrong and has the ability to make moral choices. By giving in to his cravings and cruelly using others, he demonstrates a weakness in his personality (one of many character flaws). He can and must be held accountable for his actions regardless of the fact that he feels no remorse for them.
So don't waste sympathy on your N. Sure, he feels driven by the desire to obtain ideal love and feels he is at the mercy of those desires. While his mother may have given him too much or too little love, chances are she taught him right from wrong. Even if she failed in that area as well, adults don't become adults without being exposed to that knowledge and somewhere along the way must be held responsible for their own actions.
******************************************************
I plan to work on this regularly so check back often. For now... remember that if you are recovering from a relationship with an N, the 18 inches between your head and your heart will be the longest journey you've ever been on.
*Narcissistic Supply is any form of attention, be it positive (adulation, admiration) or negative (anger or pain perceived to be caused by the N in question.) In other words, any behavior that reifies the False Self of the N.
Peace,
Laura
Blog Archive
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Are You Dating a Sociopath?
10 Ways to Identify a Sociopath
- Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
- Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviors.
- Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
- Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the sociopath's way of stimulating himself.
- Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
- Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
- Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people or animals.
- Observe the way she blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for her actions. Instead, she blames others, even for acts she obviously committed.
- Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
- Take a step back. It may be hard to recognize a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.
46 Characteristics of a Narcissist
1. Self-centered. His needs are paramount.
2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
3. Unreliable, undependable.
4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.
6. Little if any conscience.
7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.
11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological lying.
13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry, mercurial, moods.
17. Uses sex to control
18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.
27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.
30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
34. Hides his real self. Always “on”
35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.
36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.
37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.
38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.
40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always feels misunderstood.
42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
43. Does not listen because he does not care.
44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is not interested in problem-solving..
46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.
2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.
3. Unreliable, undependable.
4. Does not care about the consequences of his actions.
5. Projects his faults on to others. High
blaming behavior; never his fault.
6. Little if any conscience.
7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.
8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.
9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.
10. People are to be manipulated for his needs.
11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to his gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps
talking, changes the subject or gets angry.
12. Pathological lying.
13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.
14. No real values. Mostly situational.
15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.
16. Angry, mercurial, moods.
17. Uses sex to control
18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.
19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.
20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.
21. Secret life. Hides money, friends, activities.
22. Likes annoying others. Likes to create chaos and disrupt for no reason.
23. Moody - switches from nice guy to anger without much provocation.
24. Repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations.
25. Seldom expresses appreciation.
26. Grandiose. Convinced he knows more than others and is correct in all he does.
27. Lacks ability to see how he comes across to others. Defensive when confronted with his behavior. Never his fault.
28. Can get emotional, tearful. This is about show or frustration rather than sorrow.
29. He breaks woman's spirits to keep them dependent.
30. Needs threats, intimidations to keep others close to him.
31. Sabotages partner. Wants her to be happy only through him and to have few or no outside interests and acquaintances.
32. Highly contradictory.
33. Convincing. Must convince people to side with him.
34. Hides his real self. Always “on”
35. Kind only if he's getting from you what he wants.
36. He has to be right. He has to win. He has to look good.
37. He announces, not discusses. He tells, not asks.
38. Does not discuss openly, has a hidden agenda.
39. Controls money of others but spends freely on himself.
40. Unilateral condition of, "I'm OK and justified so I don't need to hear your position or ideas"
41. Always feels misunderstood.
42. You feel miserable with this person. He drains you.
43. Does not listen because he does not care.
44. His feelings are discussed, not the partners.
45. Is not interested in problem-solving..
46. Very good at reading people, so he can manipulate them. Sometimes called gaslighting.
Grieving the Narcissist
In response to message posted by Hermes:
My heart goes out to you in your recovery. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a N has many layers. They are not the usual layers of grieving a healthy person. The problem is that some of the layers ARE the same as grieving a healthy person but then there are layers reserved only for the loss of a N relationship, which are not understood by the 'civilian' population and can ONLY be understood by those who have survived a significant relationship with a N.
In a healthy relationship break-up one grieves:
- The dream of love not continuing.
- The break in the continuity of the familiar.
- The pain of saying goodbye.
- The sadness of the exchange of ill will in the parting.
- A sense of loss.
- Living with the nostalgia of things one used to do together, broken memories of past pleasures.
- Hope interrupted.
- Well wishing put aside for self-survival.
Those are typical feelings that can come up after a break-up of a healthy relationship.
But grieving a N there are other ingredients, not available to the public understanding, such as:
- The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
- Discovering the web of lies on many levels.
- Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of NS. That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension.
- The dawning of understanding that one's nostalgia and tender memories of affection for the N were corrupted by the N's agenda.
- Not being believed by people about some of the weird things the N did and feeling isolated in one's grief more than in grieving a healthy break-up.
- Discovering with some horror, mingled with relief of a strange kind, that the person one loved was not the person one thought one loved.
- Everything about the relationship shifts into the garish clinical light of the DSMlV. One's object of former love is now something of a lab specimen, "a typical N".
- Not being able to let go with love but having to let go only with understanding. The closure itself has the sadness of knowing the ex is disfigured, deformed but always dangerous. [I'm not certain closure is possible. ~Invicta]
- When one hears one's healthy ex is having sex with a new person, married, or has gone on in their life, there is a sting of sadness, the nostalgia for 'what could have been'. That itself, the astringency becomes part of the detaching. And as time goes by that sting becomes a well wishing, including the ex in one's loving prayers. The ex gets woven into the fabric of one's fond memories.
- But with a xN, news of their present life always bring chills of fear and twinges of unresolved grieving. Who are they hurting now? Will they ever come into my life again? Was I not important to them, was it all that for nothing? Knowing about the N's need for NS one cannot help thinking will they come back for my NS? Was *my* NS something they treasured and miss?
- But in the light of day, understanding the N means that one is not valued for who one IS but only as a commodity, for NS, empty, meaningless NS.
- After the detachment is physically complete with a N there is the nagging abyss of was that all for nothing? It's a terrible loss and there is nowhere to go with that loss. It's static. It doesn't evolve into lost love. It just remains as a loss.
Grieving a N is a burden, it's a hole in one's life.
Love, Nicky
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Disclaimers
Please note that I am not a psychologist or mental health professional, nor am I an expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (though I'm working on it!) All content on this site is based on my personal experience and perspective or of authors as cited.
Echo and Narcissus
Links
- A Stumbling Block
- Basics of NPD
- Calling Narcissists Evil: Stumbling Block or Life Line?
- Co-Narcissim Article by Alan Rappoport, PhD
- Exploiters seek partners who dread to displease them
- How Do
- How Do We Heal - A Three Part Must Read for Survivors
- How it feels to deal with a narcissist
- Knitting at the Guillotine
- Leaving a sociopath
- Love and the Stolkhom Syndrome - Why We Still "love" Our Abusers
- Lovefraud.com - a site with information about sociopaths and pschopathy. Most experts believe N's are also sociopaths and the the distinction is a false one.
- Narcissists Suck
- Resources for Survivors - List of great links
- Stop the Rollercoaster, I'm Getting Off
- Survivor Quotes
- Vaknin's Book - All About NPD by an N
- Web of Narcissism' New Site - After February 2009
- Web of Narcissism: Most comprehensive site for survivors that I've found.
- What Makes Narcissists Tick
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough - for daughters of N mothers
Books on NPD
- Help! I'm In Love With a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol
- Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited By: Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
- Narcissitic Lovers - How to Cope, Recover and Move On by Cyntha Azyn and Kevin Dibble
- Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen
- What Makes Narcissists Tick? - Narcissistic Personality Disorder Causes, Prevelance and Myths by Kathy Krajco
- When Hope Can Kill - Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship by Lucy Papillon, PhD
- Will I Ever Be Good Enough? - Healing the Daughters of Narcissitic Mothers by Karyl McBride, PhD
- Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra L Brown and Liane J. Leedom
- Women Who Love Too Much - When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change by Robin Norwood
Songs for recovery...
- "Cry" - Though I'm not a big country fan, this song was clearly written for an N.
- "Joke (I'm Lauging)"- I've always loved this song, but it has taken on a new significance. It is my song of healing.
- "Left Me a Fool" - just to find an empty pool...
- "Pefect" - The making of a Narcissist or Co-narcissist
- "Precious Illusions" - for co-narcissists
- "Should've Known" - without the kiss
- "So Ordinary" - For Infidelity Body or Mind
- "So Unsexy" - A song I used to sing at the top of my lungs on the way to my ex's apartment. It somehow gave me the strength to endure the criticism I knew I was about to endure.
- "Stupid Thing" - it wasn't me that you outsmarted.
- "That I Would Be Good" - The effects of relationships with N's last a lifetime.
- "Vindicated" - I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself so clear.
- "What You Do With What You've Got" - with a heart just like a laurel
- "You Don't Own Me" - NPD must be around for a very long time.
- "You're Not Sorry" - Coulda loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
- Addicted
- Because of you - I'll learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt - I find it hard to trust...
- But my TV don't agree and I don't give a shit!
- Control - While you were tearing a hole in me...
- I can't be your beauty queen!
- I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned...
- Leftover Girl
- Long way to happy....
- Narcissus - self explanitory
- Since You've Been Gone - I can breathe for the first time!
- Soul Sucker - I wanna drag you down so you'll be here with me.
- The Middle - You know you're doing better on your own... just be yourself. Doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. :D
- We Used To Friends - My hope for the furture.
- You left a stain on every one of my good days.... Disease
- You tell me that you need me, then you go and cut me down.... Too Late to Apologize
- You'll See - I have truth on my side, you only have deceit.
Laura, thank you for your time and dedication in making this site. It has helped me immensely, when I have a bad day remembering the horrible marriage I once was in I come to your site and re-read your articles to remind me that I was sucked in by a sociopath who has conned his way throughout his entire life and I was just one of his many victims.
ReplyDeleteI recently found another site which is excellent also "the narcissist in your life.com" Linda Martinez-lewis PHD. She has posted many articles and you can also listen to her discussing various topics. I thought it might also help others who come to your site.
Thank you again,