Why Me? - Why You?

I can't imagine any survivor of an N/S not repeatedly asking themselves, "Why me?" People ask this question after surviving all sorts of trauma. Some trauma, like a car accident, have no real reason and many turn to their spiritual beliefs for answers. But no matter where it comes from the answer to this question is central for recovery and for understanding why we are not to blame for what happened.

In the case of surviving an N/S, getting to the answer is a long and complex process. The good news is that unlike an accident there is a tangible reason why your N/S chose you. I don't believe it can be easily gleaned in the beginning of recovery. Only this week, over a year after leaving It, have I finally figured out why my ex N/S chose me. This revelation has been extraordinarily liberating. This post is about that discovery, but it's not an easy thing to articulate so bear with me...

In conjunction with therapy I've been reading Robert Hare's book "Without a Conscience". Although it primarily relies on extreme cases of sociopathy such as serial killers and known felons, it does offer great insight into how the minds of narcissists and sociopaths who manage to stay below the radar work. This book, in conjunction with all of my research has helped me draw some conclusions that resemble a kind of closure.

In tandem with my research I've been watching the Showtime series "Dexter", which is also about a sociopathic serial killer. Most people find the act(s) of murder and physical violence to be the most upsetting and scary aspects of sociopathic serial killers. For me what is the most frightening is the fact that these people are so extraordinarily adept at mimicking empathy, love and emotion that, until they are exposed, they are able to function (often at high levels) as upstanding, well-liked individuals.

I recently watched an episode of Dexter (All in the Family) in which he proposes to his pregnant girlfriend.



What is so scary about this scene isn't what's happening. It's what came before it -- the way Dexter figures out how to get Rita to say yes to his proposal after previously refusing. He realizes that he's missing something. By watching the emotions, actions and reactions of others he tries several new approaches. Eventually he figures out what works. The entire episode is underscored with his description of other characters' choices as merely roles they play. He is unable to comprehend their emotions or needs, yet he absorbs roles in a very deliberate and calculated way in order to appear normal.

During the last session with my therapist we uncovered the most probable reason my ex N/S chose me. I believe that coupled with my strength and feminist beliefs (which as a profound misogynist It is fascinated with) It chose me because of my propensity to react to situations in an unusually emotional yet critical and analytical way. These characteristics were like none It had come across before and It needed to add them to Its arsenal of "emotions" and responses.

I now understand how It was able to be so good at doing the "right" things during emotionally difficult times AND why It was able to do so without blinking an eye or fumbling in any way. All Its "right" actions are scripted from previous experience. What I find horrifying is that I was unable to recognize that there was nothing real about what seemed so real and that I know I can be duped again.

Because it was something that we shared, one of my biggest triggers was any song by the Dave Matthews Band. I've since found a way to reclaim them -- a feat I am very proud of. Along with the revelations of how sociopaths learn and hone their craft I realized that It "loves" Dave Matthews for the very same reason it "loves" anyone. Matthews, whose lyrics and music are extremely emotional, teach It how to ACT like it loves, feels, and has passion for other human beings. It's the same reason it "enjoys" emotionally laden films and television as well. At the time I thought it was refreshing to have a man who liked chick-flicks, but what I didn't realize is that It likes them for what It can learn from them.

It will always choose Its next victim based on her ability to teach It about what It is lacking. I, like Its other ex-girlfriends, was discarded after nothing more could be learned and nothing else could be gained. I was bled dry and used up. Time to move on... Unfortunately Its ex-wife won't be as lucky. She will always have a purpose and will always provide lessons for It in terms of parenting and kindness (which she feels forced to show It for the benefit of their son.) Its latest victim, no matter what she has to offer, is still whirling in charmed delight, but it's only a matter of time until she is bled dry, used up and discarded.

A friend and fellow survivor (H.C.) has repeatedly stressed that she and I are the lucky ones. Lucky to be free and to be able to feel real emotion. She is right.

Love and hugs, Laura