Oliver was my heart. An eleven pound Yorkie-poo who could make me smile under the worst circumstances. My love for Oliver was so profound I imagine it can only be compared to the love of a human child. He was my baby.I am finding it impossible to forgive myself for abandoning him when I moved to NY to be near my ex N/S. I'm finding it even more impossible to forgive myself for dragging him three hundred miles to spend the last two weeks of his life scared, sad and at times all alone in a strange place.
My ex N/S wouldn't allow him to stay with us in his apartment so I left him in my apartment crated and alone. I would come home in the morning to find my nearly blind and deaf Oliver terrified and covered in his own feces. How in the hell could I have done that to him?
Instead of leaving him at his own home in PA to be gently euthanized by a vet I've known and trusted, I took him to a vet that I didn't know where he was given an improper amount of sedative that made him even more upset than he already was. His death was horrible and I made it that way.
My ex N/S was "disappointed" in me for not including him in the days events, but proceeded to do all the "right" things to try to soothe me. I knew he didn't understand and I certainly k
new he didn't give a rat's ass about Oliver, yet somehow I felt grateful for the "love" he was showing me.I am just now grieving all that I've lost and all the people I've hurt during the time I was with my ex. Questions of responsibility/blame loom large and I feel paralyzed and almost unable to function. I suppose that grieving Oliver is a step forward. It is a sign that I am recovering who I am and who I was, but it is a pain I fear I will never be freed from because there is absolutely no way to make amends to Oliver or the others I hurt so badly.
I only hope that Oliver in all of his innocent beauty could forgive me because I'm not sure I can. I miss you Ollie-Bear.
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Of course Oliver would forgive you! That is the thing about animals...unconditional love! And you must forgive yourself sweet lady for believing that all of humanity is good. This is a lesson I am learning far too late in my life...that there is evil among us...but at least I have been given the gift of learning. Oliver loves your unconditionally, always id and always will, just as you do him! Oliver will rest when the woman he loves unconditionally stops hurting. Hugs Laura...hang in the sweetie...you are going to make it! I'm not very helpful, but I will always be here to support you and walk with you on this difficult journey's end.
ReplyDeleteYou have a new baby now Laura...Arthur needs you...he needs you whole...he needs you to love him as he loves you, as you love Oliver and Oliver loves you. Try, try and never give up ridding yourself of the mold that terrible man left on your soul. I consciously do an exercise every day without fail. I light a candle...look into the candle and after several deep breaths say, "I now call back all parts of myself that have been stolen, lost or given away!"....it's from one of the e-books I sent you. You can beat this Laura...Oliver can be your guardian angel if you will let him and Arthur is your earthly guardian angel...here to show you every moment how very important, how very loveable and how very dear you are to him. (thinking of you...feeling your pain and wanting relief for you.)
ReplyDeleteGoodmorning dear Laura. I hope this morning finds you in good spirits and optimistic! I don't know if you have read "Malignant Self Love: Narcissim Revisited". I am into it now for the second time. It is a bible..and invaluable manual...a true pathology and experience from a narcissists contribution. This book, of all I have read is invaluable, I believe, in first understand "what the hell just happened"...and then in reinforcing that I, at no time, could have influenced the eventual outcome. I see you struggling and it breaks my heart. I want to transfer all the knowledge and understanding I have acquired in these past few months and along with that the relief of knowing the outcome was written in stone before I was even born (there is 3 years age difference in my "N" and I). He was already who he is before I came to this earth. I so want that understanding for you Laura. If you have not read this book, please do. It is not in print anymore. It must be purchased from amazon.com and is extremely expensive but a used version can be acquired for around $50. It is the best $50 I ever spent.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and wishing you a better day than you can remember since you were your innocent carefree happy self.
Hugs!
I must share this with you Laura and it may take more than one post. Please bear with me. It is my empathy for your soul that I continue to reach out to you.
ReplyDeleteFrom Malignant Self Love:...page 164 in discussions of other people's pain in relation to NPD.
When the narcissist is angry, unhappy, disappointed, injured, or hurt - he feels unable to express his emotions sincerely and openly since to do so would be to admit his frailty, his neediness, and his weakness. He deplores his own humanity - his emotions, his vulnerability, his susceptibility, his gullibility, his inadequacies, and his failures. So, he make use of other people to express his pain and his frustration, his pent up anger and his aggression He achieves this by mentally torturing other people to the point of madness, by driving them to violence, by reducing them to scar tissue in search of outlet, closure, and sometimes, revenge. He forces people to lose their own character traits - and adopt his own instead. In reaction to his constant and well-targeted abuse, they become abusive, and aggressive. They mirror him faithfully and thus relieve hi of the need to express himself directly.
Having constructed this writhing hall of human mirrors, the narcissist withdraws. The goal achieved, he lets go. As opposed to the sadist, he is not in it, indefinitely for the pleasure of it. He abuses and traumatizes, humiliates and abandons, discards and ignores, insults and provokes - only for the purpose of purging his inner demons. By possessing others, he purifies himself, cathartically, and exorcises his demented self.
This accomplished, he acts almost with remorse. An episode of extreme abuse is followed by an act of great care and by mellifluous apologies. The narcissistic pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and empathically soothing the resulting pain. This incongruous behaviour, these "sudden" shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and "love", ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender - are perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce in people around the narcissist emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self-worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ("walking on eggshells"). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one - and even when he is long out of their life.
Laura, it is a maze we can escape from with intensive research. Hugs
Hi Heather, I've read big chunks of it that are available on line. I also have an extensive library on narcissism and sociopathy. I know more about this topic than I'd thought possible. I agree research is a huge part of healing. I was obsessed with researching when I first found out my ex was a narcissist. I read (and cried) constantly for over two months. I'm still reading... right now it's "Without a Conscience" available on lovefraud or amazon.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that Vaknin's book is invaluable, though I read it critically as it IS coming from an N which means that it's not going to be entirely honest AND it's not for anyone's benefit but his own. He reaps great amounts of narcissistic supply from his "followers" and remember that engaging with him puts you in his web. It's even possible he gets supply from my blog (if he's found it) since he's mentioned several times.
His credentials are sketchy as well. His doctorate is not accredited. This does not negate his research, but it does lend credence to the probability that there is more deceit beneath his research.
I am grateful that there is really good new research happening. Sandra Brown, Stephen Becker and Robert Hare are great examples.
Kathy Krajco's book "What Makes Narcissists Tick" is a very healing book. It is not professionally researched and is largely based on anecdotal experience, but it is a book that kindles a righteous anger like not other. It offers a view on narcissism that helps a survivor take a healthy stance in favor of her own recovery and safety.
hugs and love
I found Vaknin's book excellent...brutally honest about the predatory nature of the people who have this disease, but then I've read the entire thing...even the pathological information from the entire psychological community that studies and writes about this disease. There's so many light bulbs clicking throughout. Thank you Laura for the additional book to read...Kathy Krajcos...I'm hoping that's in our Library system here. Surprizingly, only one of the six I've read is available through the library. Hope you are having a smily face day! I am.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree...anger is the only stance one can take to escape the results of the such torture.
I had links to almost all of it online... can't find them now... but google books has a good bit of it...http://books.google.com/books?id=OP1rmM_eSRkC&lpg=PP1&dq=sam%20vaknin's%20book%20online&pg=PP11#v=onepage&q=&f=false
ReplyDeleteOMGosh Laura, can I ever relate to this blog. It was almost a relief to read this; though I wouldn't ever wish this sort of guilt on anyone. I thought that it was only me that did such...well things I don't think I would have ever done under other circumstances. I, too wasn't the kindest that I could have been to one of my pets, thanks to my "ex narcissist." She/he talked me into giving my puppy Chloe away, b/c she wasn't potty trained and also kept tearing up things. Granted it was probably better for her, b/c my ex wasn't the kindest person to be around. But still she was MY responsibility and that I did this...ugh I am still disgusted with myself. I was so worried that the ex would leave me b/c of it...that I gave in. To this day I feel such immense guilt. That was something I would have NEVER EVER done before. I've always been an animal lover; always. So how I could have done that...it was totally out of character. As was probably what you went through. I'm sure that you had to have felt just like I did. And I know without a doubt that not only has Oliver forgiven you but he loves you unconditionally.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I read some of your posts many of the topics really hit home with me. I have had very personal experiences losing a dog in the later days of their lives(with a N included). Dogs play a huge role in my life today and hopefully always will.
ReplyDeleteI do not know all of the circumstances but I do know from the bottom of my heart...Do not blame yourself in any way for Olivers last days.
Is there anyone in this world who could have loved Oliver any more than you, and I mean anyone? I bet the answer is absolutely not! He was probalby the kindest and most loving dog because of you. Any long trip or strange place may cause anxiety but I can still bet he loved spending every moment..even the 300 mile trip with you. Everyime you either spoke to him if he could hear you or touched him for comfort and he wagged his tail to show you how much you meant to him says everything. You did the right things for the right reasons(nothing short of that). You had no control over a vet choice. Again you tried to do the right thing for the right reason and that is what matters.
I have the same visual image as you of my 13yr old cocker spaniel (deaf, almost blind, and failing health)in a crate most of the day. I know she was actually comfortable many times rolled up in comfortable fluffy blankets in her crate not being bothered. To watch them fail and making that decision to let them go is heart breaking! Oliver does not have anything to forgive you for, you did nothing but love him. He loved every minute he spent with you! Within the next 6 months I will be loosing my home which I just finished paying off. I plan on starting my car, driving with my Aussie in the back seat nearly 3,000 miles and starting a new life. Hopefully 6 months of therapy can help clear some of the horrible times I have had with this N experience. Thank God for the love of my current Dog and companion. Laura, you did all of the right things for the right reasons, please remember that.
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After reading this post once again I realized that I too had literally turned my back on the good and honest friends I had once had in my life before the "N. Many of my friends who would just stop by (which I loved) to say hi or see how I was doing slowly evaporated. I chose to stay with a controlling, cruel,and very angry person who helped with the evaporation process rather quickly.
ReplyDeleteDuring those early times with friends I used to laugh so hard I would cry, and I would be exhausted as if I had worked out for an hour at the gym. My life was so uncomplicated, life was basically black and white with a few grey areas that were easy enough to sort out to make good decisions. My life was full of options at all times with all roads at least pointing in the right direction. Some of the roads were more direct routes, some a little less logical but still all of them pointed forward. Because of reading this post for a second time:
I sent two specific Christmas cards( with notes) to two friends I had not heard from in 5 yrs (I am totally to blame for all of this) and a 3rd Christmas card I had promised myself to try to hand deliver if it would be accepted at all. Two of the cards came in the mail over the weekend with nothing but welcoming handwritten voices. One said that even though I am one of the most private people she has ever met(If she only only knew how easy she is letting me off the hook with that comment, she considers me one of the few people she considers a truly good friend. I cried for a while, still not feeling deserving of these comments. The second note returned with a similar reinforcement that she would love to get together anytime at all and was so happy I had contacted her. These two cards arrive just after Christmas to make it one of the best I have had in a long, long time.
This third Christmas card/note contained both a brief thank you note and a separate letter of apology for literally closing and I mean actually closing the door on the closest friend I had had since high school. I got a hold of them and asked to meet for a cup of coffee which I promised would be short, even if we just got it "To Go" and went our separate ways. Saturday again was "the day" we were meeting for coffee. We met for coffee, the " To Go" idea seemed more comforable since it was very awkward. I handed them the card and asked them to please read it later. I said I was sorry for the way I acted even though I still can not explain myself fully. I know there is nothing I can say that would make it right after all this time but I again apologized. We both drove off heading in the same direction me ahead of them. I saw their car pull off the side of the road, I was nervous but knew they were reading one of the notes. I did receive a call within the next 5 minutes with their voice cracking and the words Thank you were said.
Everything still feels like a big secret and an apology is the only answer I can give any of them. I still feel very good about this Holiday and these three people in particular. Once again. Thank you for the post.
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I did the same thing, in different ways. I always wanted to care for my beloved pet, she was the light of my life, but I believe she got sick with the cancer that killed her because of the time I spent squandering my 'love' on Ns and Spaths. Every day I cry for what I wish I could do to make things up to her. It breaks my heart new each time I think of it. I have no idea how to stop regretting and wishing I could do something. But I can't do anything for her now. that's the worst part, because I'd do anything if I could.
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