I received a reply to my the civil complaint I filed in attempt to retrieve my property. The reply came on an attorney's letterhead, though I am fairly confident a lawyer didn't write it, at least a competent one didn't anyway. The entire document was a text book exposition of narcissistic personality disorder.
It began first with an insult. According to this document, which was filed in court, I am a "wanna-be saxophone player." As far as I can tell I do play sax, but more importantly, how are my musical aspirations and skill level relevant to my property? Answer: They're not.
The next part of the document is a series of statements denying that It2 was in possession of or ever saw 15 of the 20 items listed in my complaint. Considering that he helped me carry four boxes of heavy dishes and kitchen wear into his building (whining the whole time about it) it seems strange that he had never seen them. Or my pillow which laid beside his on his bed for almost a year. But no matter, denial was expected.
What is more telling is the amount of projection, gaslighting and bullying contained in the document. After the denial portion there is a list of "New Items" in which I am accused of "stalking", "harassing" and "defaming" It2.
I'm not sure why I was at all surprised that It2 repeated his lies under oath in a court of law. What I've come to realize is that there is no justice or apologia when dealing with an NSpath. That said, I don't regret trying. As I said in a
previous post, this was about my own integrity.
The following is my response I drafted, which was never heard or reviewed by he arbitrators. I'm hoping that by posting it here, others will be able to spot red flags that at first glance appear as a normal relationship developing.
Following my response is an affidavit written and signed by my father. After that is a list of common behaviors exhibited by people with NPD. Comparing that list with my account of my relationship is highly instructive.
October 6th, 2013
To Whom It May Concern:
No civil complaint is filed outside of a failed relationship of some kind. I have considered this in all of my actions regarding my lost property. I have intentionally refrained from burdening the court with the details of my relationship because they are irrelevant to the issue of my property. However, given the reply I received from the Defendant’s (D) attorney, it has become necessary to relay some of the details of how I found myself with no other recourse but to file a civil complaint. I have reconstructed the dates using my personal journal, calendar and records of emails with my family. With my apologies I submit the following:
1. Before meeting the D, I was living in Tucson, Arizona in my own home, employed in a very good job. I met the D on Septembet 29th 2012 while visiting my father. I am an amateur saxophone player who enjoys jazz, so I decided to go to a jazz club where the D was performing. After his performance I introduced myself and complimented him on his playing. I asked if he gave lessons since I’d be missing lessons at home during my stay. He gave me his business card. I mentioned that I planned to attend a concert the following evening at a different jazz club, hosted by a local jazz organization of which I was a member. The D then told me that he was coincidentally scheduled to receive an award from that jazz organization at that event. When he arrived at the club, he gave me an autographed CD. He asked me for my phone number and we arranged for a lesson. When I arrived at his apartment for the lesson, he had a gift bag for me with a greeting card and a book about local jazz history, in which he had autographed his picture. I took the lesson and the D asked if I would like to have drinks with him afterward. I agreed and we went to a bar near his home. It was there that the D began to make strong romantic advances toward me, including a statement that, “God had sent me to him.” I was not seeking a relationship as I was only visiting, but the D was persistent in his advances. I liked him and decided to spend time with him during the remainder of my visit. Before I left he was already trying to convince me to move back to the Pittsburgh area and was planning a trip to visit me in Tucson.
2. After leaving PA, the D called and texted me several times each day and continued to try to convince me to move back to the Pittsburgh area. About three weeks after returning home, my father had a mild stroke. I flew back to care for him during his recovery. I had every intention of going home after my father recuperated. During my stay the D continued to argue that I should move back to the area permanently to care for my father. I spent a great deal of time with the D. over the course of my stay during which he expressed a desire for us to rent an apartment together. He plainly stated that we would be married after his career was in order. He introduced me to his family and friends as his “wife” and “other half.” I was in love with the D, but was hesitant about giving up my life in Tucson. The D persisted and I finally gave in and decided to make the move. I sold over half of my belongings and hired a moving company. The move cost me over $8,000.00 and a good job.
3. About two months the D’s behavior began to change. He started to become controlling and emotionally abusive. He unfriended me from Facebook complaining that I posted too much on it. He said he didn’t want anyone to know where he is or what he’s doing. In the beginning of the relationship he encouraged me to play saxophone publicly (which I felt I wasn’t ready for) but suddenly started to harshly criticize me. I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to continue being my saxophone instructor and began lessons with a different instructor. He also began to oscillate between talk of marriage and accusing me of moving too fast. He began monitoring my activities and checking up on me, sometimes calling or texting at odd hours and demanding to know where I was.
4. After the D’s gig on January 19th 2013, I accompanied him to an elite club to have a meal with some mutual friends. The D was already intoxicated and high on marijuana but continued to drink Scotch. The restaurant manager and security guard asked us to remove the D from the premises. I was embarrassed for him and took on the task of trying to get him to leave quietly. I spoke with him in the stairwell of the restaurant and was able convince him to leave. Outside the restaurant he began hurling obscenities, accusations and insults at me. I became frightened and considered leaving, but decided not to after he stumbled and fell. I drove him home while he continued to berate and insult me. When we arrived at his apartment he fell again, this time flat on his face on the sidewalk in front of his door. His injuries were visible for weeks. At this point he became even more virulent and agitated. I was very concerned for his safety and decided to make sure he got upstairs to his apartment. He couldn’t locate his keys so I gave him the key he had given me to the building. I got some ice for his swollen lip. He grabbed the ice and threw it at me. I backed up. He said, “Yeah, you should back up! He then raised his hand in a fist and threatened to hit me. I turned to leave. As I was headed down the stairs, he yelled at me that I was not going to leave him, that he owns me and that I am “his woman, but will never be his wife.” He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me back. I got loose and ran from the apartment. He followed me into the street screaming horrible things at me. The last thing I remember hearing as I got into my car was, “You’ll never be a saxophone player! You’re nothing bitch!” On my way home he continuously called my cell phone and left several violent and angry messages.
5. I did not initiate contact him after that incident. About four days later he called to apologize claiming that he didn’t know what he was doing or remember any of it. He asked if we could talk in person. Regrettably I was so invested in the relationship I decided to meet with him and give him another chance. When we met at a bar near his home, he dropped to his knees and rolled on his back like a puppy, begging my forgiveness. We reconciled.
6. A couple of weeks later, after an extremely emotionally charged telephone conversation I went to the D’s apartment and knocked on the door repeatedly trying to resolve the issue. I tried to reach him by phone before going, but he ignored my phone calls and texts. I hadn’t asked for my key back and he wouldn’t let me in or speak to me. After some time I left on my own accord. I was highly distraught after the fight and am fully aware that I it would have been much better to have waited until we were both calmer to approach the D. I sincerely regret the incident. My only intention was to discuss the argument. My actions were emotional, but not threatening, violent or insulting toward the D. in any way. Since the D. had repeatedly referred to his apartment our mutual home and I was regularly staying there, I felt my presence wasn’t out of line. Apparently neither did his neighbors who let me into the vestibule so I could knock.
7. The amount of time, including weeknights, that I spent at the D’s apartment can be verified by my father who took responsibility for caring for my dogs during my absences. It is true that the D expressed that I not stay at the apartment more than two weeknights; however, his claim that I rarely stayed there during the week is false. I stayed at least two nights a week on weekdays and every weekend during the entire time we were together. I routinely drove him to work on those mornings.
8. At this point I was beginning to feel depressed and anxious about the relationship and the decision I had made to move back to PA. I decided to contact a therapist to discuss the situation. I also became increasingly concerned about the D’s drug and alcohol use and the fact that he possessed a handgun which he kept on his bed shelf. During the time we were involved he smoked marijuana throughout the day every day and cocaine on several occasions. The therapist strongly recommended that I end the relationship, but I felt that I should try to make it work given my strong feelings for the D and all I had invested in it. With that intention, I asked the D. to attend couples counseling with me at my own expense. He flatly refused and became extremely angry at the suggestion. He also angrily insisted that I not mention anything about him in any of my sessions.
9. The D continued to regularly and harshly interrogate me about my therapy sessions. On one occasion, after he smoked what he referred to as a “cocoa puff” (which I later learned is cocaine mixed with tobacco), he became extremely angry about my seeing a therapist and grabbed me by the hair holding me down on the bed. I finally escaped and was getting dressed to leave when he told me that I had “no right to leave” and that I was “messing with his sex.” I left. He called the next day and apologized promising to never treat me like that again.
10. A very close friend came to visit me from December 13th - 15th, 2012. She accompanied me to a couple of the D’s performances. She became concerned for my safety after witnessing some interactions between me and the D. She openly expressed her feelings to the D and he became extremely upset by it. Later, he demanded that I break all ties with “that witch” if I wanted to continue in the relationship with him.
11 .The relationship became increasingly tumultuous, but the D’s claim that our relationship ended in March or April 2013 is false. Though we were clearly having problems during those months, I was regularly staying at the D’s apartment through the end of May 2013. Toward the end of April the D pleaded with me that I reschedule a job interview and drive him to a last minute gig. I was unsettled at being asked to reschedule the interview and was uncharacteristically quiet during the drive to the gig. In the parking lot he became agitated by my sullen mood and told me that the gig was a private party and I wasn’t able to attend. I later discovered from one of his band mates that this was false when she asked why I didn’t stay. The D and I argued on the phone over the next couple of days, but then met to discuss the relationship. We seemingly managed to come to terms and resumed the relationship as before.
12. From May 3rd - 6th I attended a retreat at the Kripaulu Yoga Center in West Stockbridge, MA. The D seemed very threatened by my attending this retreat. He was upset that I didn’t consult with him before registering for it. While there, he called and texted several times a day to check up on me and interrogated me about the retreat activities. He expressed concern about whether I was talking about him. At the end each phone conversation he told me he loved me and was anxious for me to come home.
13. On May 29th I was seen by my doctor for a urinary tract infection. Given the tumultuous relationship I was also concerned about STD’s and asked to be tested for them. Soon after, the D and I went out on a dinner date, which was very enjoyable. I had been advised by my doctor to abstain from sexual activity. I felt very nervous about bringing up the fact that I had to refuse to have sex with him and waited until after we got home to broach the subject. When I explained what was going on, he was extremely annoyed and became visibly angry. He accused me of “withholding sex like his past girlfriends had,” exclaiming that this “wasn’t his first rodeo”. (As an aside, he also claimed on many occasions that several of his past girlfriends had “stalked” him.) For the rest of the night he would not speak to me or acknowledge my presence. I drove him to work the next morning in silence. When we arrived he said he would be in contact me to discuss what we should do. During our next phone conversation we decided to take some time apart, with the understanding that would get together in a few days to discuss the relationship. He didn’t contact me again for some time and I decided I needed to either reconcile or get closure and my property.
14. I was expressly invited by the D. to each and all of his performances that I attended, except for the one described in the next paragraph. His “fan base” showed nothing but friendship and support toward me and many of them remain my friends. Several of them warned me about the D’s reputation as a “player” and “user.’ By that time I had already developed deep feelings for the D and ignored these warnings. I have a professional background in marketing and advertising and actively supported the D’s career by composing resumes and brochures for him as well as creating a website and doing PR work. I never asked for compensation for this work. His claim that I had a negative impact on his fan base is perhaps his sincere opinion, but it certainly doesn’t coincide with my interactions with his fans, his business manager, or any reports to me.
15. I did not try to contact the D again until June 8th, 2013. I decided enough time had passed and I needed to resolution one way or another. I went to see him at one of his gigs with that intention. I deliberately arrived toward the end of his session for the last two numbers. I privately and quietly asked to speak with him. We went outside and talked. There was no “ruckus” of any kind. During our conversation the D. said that he still had feelings for me but wasn’t sure if he wanted to pursue the relationship further and that he would call me the next day with a decision. The encounter ended with a mutual hug. He texted me the following day telling me that he wasn’t interested in a one on one relationship with me, but that it would be fine if we got together for sex on occasion. I replied that my values don’t include being someone’s booty call. I permanently ended the relationship.
16. After taking some time to heal from the break up and let things settle, I began trying to contact the D to collect my belongings from his apartment. I was unable to reach him by phone or text. On the evening of July 29th 2013, after several attempts to reach him by phone, I drove to the D’s home. He wasn’t there so I walked to a bar he frequents near his apartment, hoping to find him to discuss the matter. I sat down beside him and he asked what I was doing there. I calmly stated that I was there to see him, to get closure and to collect my things. He replied it wasn’t a good time. I asked when would be a good time for him. At that point he flatly refused to speak to me. Because it was impossible to reach him in the past, I felt it necessary to insist that I either collect my things that evening or arrange a time that I could do so. He continued to refuse to discuss the matter. We left the bar and I walked with him toward a local grocery store. Admittedly I was angry at this point. Harsh words were exchanged as I continued to insist on being able to collect my property. The D. went in the store and approached a security guard. At that point realized that I would have to seek legal means to collect my property. I told him that he would hear from my lawyer and I left. I also left a note to that effect at his apartment. That night, the D called my father complaining about our interaction. My father considered this phone call to be annoying, childish and inappropriate.
17. On an attorney’s recommendation, I sent a certified letter to the D. on July 31st 2013. The letter requested that he deliver my property to a neutral third party by August 14th and o contact me only via e-mail. It is true that the D. never received this letter, but according to the U.S. Postal Service he did receive notice of the letter on August 1st, 2013, which was left in his secure and private mailbox.
18. Since I received no response to the letter, I filed a civil complaint on August 16th, 2013.
19. On the evening of September 4th, at 7:37pm I received an email notice from the Sheriff’s Department that the D had been served with the complaint documents. About a half hour later my father received a phone call from the D asking for me. When my father gave me the phone he had already hung up. My father was annoyed by this intrusion. Unfortunately he has no way to set up call blocking on his home phone.
20. The D’s denial of possession of 15 of the 20 items listed in my complaint is wholly false. For example, the D. helped me carry the four heavy boxes of dishes and kitchen items from my car into his apartment building. They remained in his vestibule for weeks. My chiropractic pillow stayed next to his pillow on his bed for the entire time we were involved. It is possible that the D did not see my jewelry as it was left on his headboard or night stand and may have fallen behind the bed or gotten caught up in his inordinate clutter. I routinely take my jewelry off at night and have forgotten it at his apartment on occasion.
21. The D’s claim that any items listed in my complaint were “gifted” to him is ludicrous. These are items I either felt necessary to use at his apartment given its filthy and sparse accommodation, or that I had simply left there by accident. I am not in the habit of gifting used household items or personal jewelry to boyfriends or anyone else. In fact I did give the D a number of gifts including an expensive leather coat, a custom left handed watch, a bottle of cologne and a stuffed animal. These items cost over $1,000.00 in total. Because they were gifts, I did not include these in my complaint. I have also given the D monies for bills, rent, and groceries as well as spending hundreds of dollars on restaurant meals, transportation and other activities. Despite having exhausted all of my savings and financial resources on the move here and other expenses related to my relationship with the D, I have not asked for reimbursement or return of any of these items or expenditures. The two loans listed in my complaint were made to the D with expressed mutual agreement of repayment.
22. The personal attacks and insults contained in the D’s response to my complaint are further extensions of his ongoing virulent and disrespectful behavior toward me. For example, referring to me as a “wanna-be- saxophone player” can only be construed as a deliberate insult since my level of skill or aspirations as a musician has no relevance to the issue of my property.
23. As expressed in my certified letter to the D, I have already stated that my property should be returned via a neutral third party. Under the circumstances, and given my experience with his drug use, violent behavior toward me and his possession of a handgun, I am fearful to be in physical contact with him.
24. The D’s request that my father collect my belongings is unacceptable. My father is far from neutral in this matter. He loathes the D and has unequivocally refused, without exception, to have anything to do with him. My father considered the D’s behavior toward me as abusive an inappropriate from the time he first met him in December 2012. He repeatedly asked me to break off the relationship as he felt the D was “using and taking advantage of me,” was “disrespectful” and often expressed the opinion that the relationship was a “one way street.” In any case, my father is 83 years old and it is inappropriate to ask him to take on this responsibility. A third, and neutral, party should be chosen by the court.
25. In summary, all the Dʼs accusations and insinuations against me are false and unfounded as is evidenced by my actions. I have not directly communicated or attempted to contact the D since his refusal to return my belongings on July 29th, 2013. I have also blocked the D. from all communication with me. In July I removed all videos, photos and direct references to the D from my private Facebook page. I have posted no identifying information about the D on any website or social media. I have no desire to see or communicate with him. I have gone to great lengths to avoid contact with the D, including self imposed restrictions from events I even suspect he might go to. On several occasions I phoned establishments to find out if he was in attendance before going to the event. My only remaining business with the D is to collect my property and the monies owed me. I am not willing to agree to any conditions or contingencies regarding this matter. Every item listed in my complaint was in the D’s apartment the last time I was there on May 30th, 2013 and rightfully belong to me.
I attest that all the statements above are true to the best of my knowledge.
Laura Kamienski
My Father's Avidavit:
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter attest to my knowledge as pertaining to my daughter, Laura Kamienski’s, involvement with It2l and the property and monies she has filed a complaint about.
My daughter was involved with It2 from September of 2012 through June of 2013. During that time she spent each weekend and two to three nights during the week at his apartment with him. She checked in with me regularly as I was caring for her three dogs in her absence. When not living at It2's apartment, she lived with me.
I witnessed my daughter packing up four boxes of dishes, pots, pans, utensils food processor and other household items to use at It2's apartment. She told me on numerous occasions that It2's living arrangements were less than ideal and that she would need to take some of our household items to use while staying there. I saw her put those boxes into her car before leaving to see It2. I am also aware that she took a space heater, coffee maker, extension cord, blankets, sheets, a comforter, her pillow, heating pad, travel bag,
All of the household items listed in her statement belong to her or myself. These items have not been returned since she took them to use at It2's apartment.
I cautioned my daughter not to lend It2 an additional $300.00 to pay for his electricity bill since he had not fully repaid the first loan that she charged on my credit card. I was concerned about his financial irresponsibility.
During the time my daughter dated It2, I felt he was taking advantage of her good nature and urged her to break it off with him on several occasions. In my opinion he was abusive to her and was using her. My daughter uses my credit card for expenses. During the time that she was with It2 these credit card bills exceeded $2000.00 a month for charges at restaurants, clubs and for gasoline. It is my opinion that the relationship was a one way street. After receiving my May 2013 statement I forbid my daughter to use my card for It2's meals, drinks, or any expenses.
When my daughter arrived home on the evening of January 19, 2013 she was visibly distraught and shaken. She described the events of that night and pleaded with me not to call the police and report the incident. Her phone kept ringing for at least an hour after she got home. It2 called her repeatedly leaving vile messages. I listened to two of the many phone messages It2 left on my daughter’s phone and sternly told her that she needed to break it off with him.
On the evening of July 29, 2013, It2 called my home complaining that my daughter was bothering him. I was aware that she had gone to try to collect her belongings. I considered this phone call to be inappropriate and intrusive.
Because of my feelings regarding the relationship and It2, and because of my age and health, I am not willing to interact with It2 in any way.
This statement is true and accurate to the best of my knowledge.
Richard Kamienski
_________________________________________________________________________________
Covert emotional manipulation tactics are underhanded methods of control. Emotional
manipulation methodically wears down your sense of self-worth,
self-confidence, self-concept and trust in your own perceptions. At its
worse, you can lose all sense of self and your personal values.
- Positive Reinforcement: Praise, flattery,
adoration, attention, affection, gifts, superficial sympathy (crocodile
tears), superficial charm, recognition, appreciation, intense sex, and
declarations of once-in-a-lifetime love. When all of these are present
continually at the beginning of the relationship with no negative
behavior in sight, it’s called “love-bombing,” and it’s designed to hook us deeply and bond us tightly to our abuser.
- Intermittent positive reinforcement: This is a very
effective manipulation tactic, one abusers use to great effect.
Intermittent positive reinforcement occurs when your relationship goes
from nonstop positive reinforcement to only getting attention,
appreciation, praise, adoration, declarations of love, etc. once in a
while, on a random basis. This will create a climate of doubt, fear and
anxiety. You’ll know he’s withdrawing and you’ll fear you’re losing him,
but he’ll deny it. This replays over and over until you’re riding and
emotional roller coaster, with no way to stop the ride and get off. S/He
is doing this on purpose to increase his power and control
over you and to make you even more desperate for his love. You have
become the proverbial lab rat frantically pushing the lever for a
randomly dispensed treat. The rat thinks of nothing else, and neither will you. The bond can become even stronger during this phase, believe it or not. It’s a well-known psychological phenomenon known as traumatic bonding.
- Negative reinforcement: The manipulator stops
performing a negative behavior (such as giving you the silent treatment)
when you comply with his demands.
- Not allowing negative emotion: The victim is typically chastised for emotional behavior. The
focus is put on the emotional upset itself, not the cause behind it
(which conveniently takes the focus off of him). He refuses to hear what
it is she wants to talk about. The only subject is her emotion, which
is unacceptable; in fact, it’s an issue she needs to work on, and one he
finds unattractive.The silent treatment usually follows, which
increases her frustration at not being able to express her thoughts and
feelings.
- Indirect aggressive abuse: Name-calling is direct
and obvious, but an underhanded way to make it much less obvious is to
drop the angry tone of voice that usually accompanies it, and disguise
the insult as teaching, helping, giving advice, or offering solutions.
It appears to be a sincere attempt to help, but it’s actually an attempt to belittle, control and demean you, and you will sense this.
- Manipulators share intimate information about themselves, their lives and families early on to create a false sense of intimacy.
You’ll automatically feel obliged or free to respond, and afterward
you’ll trust him more and feel closer to him. Later, you’ll find out
most of what he disclosed wasn’t true, and that he’ll use everything you
told him about yourself to manipulate you or hurt you.
- Triangulation: This is a common and effective
tactic of a psychopath’s covert emotional manipulation. The manipulator
introduces other women into the relationship in any way he can — by
talking about a woman at work, talking about his ex girlfriends,
flirting with other women in front of you, or comparing you unfavorably
to another woman — just to hurt you, knock you off balance and make you
jealous. In a normal relationship, a man will go out of his way to prove
he’s trustworthy. The manipulator does just the opposite, and he enjoys
watching your pain and angst. He is usually grooming his next target,
who he conveniently uses to manipulate you devalue you.
- Blaming the victim: This tactic is a powerful
means of putting the victim on the defense while simultaneously masking
the aggressive intent of the abuser. This usually happens when she
questions him about something he wants to hide (such as his involvement
with another woman). The victim finds herself put in the defensive mode,
and she can’t win. He tells her that her concerns are rooted in her
problem with “insecurity” and have nothing to do with his behavior or
with reality, and that he finds her insecurity very unattractive. Since
this is very unpleasant she learns not to question him, and silently
puts up with his bad behavior in the future.
- The manipulator will makecarefully chosen insinuating comments to evoke an uncomfortable emotional response
or even several responses at once. He knows your weaknesses and your
hot-buttons, and he will enjoy dropping a bomb like this and watching
the fallout. If someone says something that has multiple negative
meanings and causes negative emotions while leaving you flummoxed and
without a meaningful response, you’ve experienced it.
- Empty words: The abuser can turn on the charm and
tell you exactly what you want to hear: “I love you,” “you’re so special
to me,” “you’re so important to me,” etc. The problem is they are just
words, backed up by nothing. Filling your need for approval, validation,
and reassurance with these empty words gives him incredible power over
you.
- Denying/ Invalidating reality: Invalidating
distorts or undermines the victim’s perceptions of their world.
Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or will not acknowledge
reality. For example, if the victim confronts the abuser about an
incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I
don’t know what you’re talking about.” The same as gaslighting, really,
a tactic which is explained below.
- Minimizing: The manipulator will tell you you’re
making a big deal out of nothing or that you’re “exaggerating” when you
confront him with something he’s done.
- Withholding: Includes refusing to communicate, refusing to listen, and using emotionally withdrawal as punishment. This is commonly called the “silent treatment.”
- Lying: It’s often difficult to know when someone’s
lying, but psychopaths are pathological liars who will say anything to
get what they want. You may notice they lie so much they can’t keep the
details straight. If you question them, they revert to denial.
- Lies of omission: A more subtle form of lying where a truth is left out if it’s not convenient.
- Gaslighting: An especially frustrating manipulation
tactic where you know you heard him say something or saw him do
something but when you confront him, he simply denies it. It seems
obvious enough but if it’s repeated often, victims can begin to question
their “version” of reality. We also want to believe whatever it was
didn’t happen, so we may let this absurdity slip by. I forget who said
“words are more real than reality,” but that sums it up.
- Projecting the Blame: Nothing is ever a psychopath’s fault, and he will always find some crafty way to find a scapegoat.
- Diversion and Evasion: When you ask the psychopath a question, instead of answering it he may use diversion (steering the conversation to another topic) or evasion (giving an irrelevant, vague and often rambling response).
- Selective forgetting: The manipulator pretends he
forgot something important he once said. If you feel the need to use a
tape recorder when speaking with someone, covert emotional manipulation
is at play.
- Refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, for the relationship or for your reactions to it.
- Attempts to turn the tables and make you look like the abuser:
These skilled manipulators have an arsenal of tactics at their
disposal, and they will be pushing as many buttons as possible to get
you to lose control. They can inflict so much psychological warfare and
make you suppress so much emotion that you can be backed into an
emotional corner. When this happens, the intense frustration you feel,
but can’t express through normal communication, will cause you to react
in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive
situation do not make you an abuser.
- Diminishing and belittling your opinions and ideas non-verbally by using eye-rolls, scoffs, smug smiles, etc. There are plenty of variations.
- Hypnotism and trance induction: This is the most powerful manipulation tool a psychopath uses with his victim, and is related to charm. The
technique of hypnosis comes naturally to the psychopath, and he
mesmerizes his victim to gain emotional control. Hypnosis and trance are
the “attraction heat, attachment magnet and bonding glue,” according to
Sandra L. Brown, M.A., author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” (*This
tactic applies only to psychopaths; the rest on this list are also used
by all types of manipulators as well as psychopaths.)
“Always remember, he knows EXACTLY which buttons to push.”
Here are some signs that you might be dating a manipulator, even if you can’t identify specific techniques:
1. You always feel you’re falling short of your partner’s expectations.
2. You often feel guilty in your relationship and are always looking
to repair the “damage” related to the “trust issues” or some other issue
he says you have.
3. You often don’t know where you stand with your partner because
most of the time he keeps you in a state of emotional angst and in fear
of losing him.
4. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him, carefully
controlling your words and actions to keep him from withdrawing his
affection again.
5. You feel confused in the relationship and have the feeling that
it’s a very complicated one. You keep blaming yourself for making your
partner pull away from you. Manipulators are very skilled at never being
the one to blame for any problem in a relationship.
6. You’re unhappy in your relationship most of the time…yet you desperately fear losing it.
__________________________________________________________________________________
The following describes what to expect in all encounters with an NSpath. Compare this list with the events described above.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a serious
condition which affects an estimated 1% of the population. Narcissism is
characterized by an extreme self-interest and promotion with an
accompanying lack of concern for the needs of others.
Narcissism is named after the mythological Greek
character Narcissus, an extremely handsome young man who rejected the
love of Echo and, as punishment, was condemned to fall in love with
his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to obtain he object of his
desire, he died there in sorrow.
NPD Characteristics; Traits
The following list is a collection of some of the
more commonly observed behaviors and traits of those who suffer from
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Note that these are not
intended to be used for diagnosis. People who suffer from NPD are all
unique and so each person will display a different subset of traits.
Also, note that everyone displays "narcissistic" behaviors from time to
time. Therefore, if a person exhibits one or some of these traits, that
does not necessarily qualify them for a diagnosis of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder. See the
DSM Criteria on this page for diagnostic criteria.
Click on the links on each trait for much more
information about a particular trait or behavior and some ideas for
coping with each.
Abusive Cycle
- This is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructive and
constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional
relationships and families.
Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.
"Always" and "Never" Statements
- "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations containing the
words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.
- Anger
- People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of
unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they
have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.
- Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.
- Blaming
- The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for
creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the
problem.
- Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.
- Cheating
- Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you
are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
- Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.
- Dissociation- Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.
- Domestic Theft
- Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or
shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining
their approval.
- Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.
- Sense of Entitlement
- An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable
living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
- False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.
- Favoritism
- Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive,
preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a
family or group of peers.
- Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.
- Gaslighting
- The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy
individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of
reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the
1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
- Grooming
- Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual
into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to
trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.
- Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.
- Hoovers; Hoovering
- A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum
cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own
rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship,
gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved
or desirable behavior.
- Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
- Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family.
- Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.
- Invalidation
- The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an
individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical
presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.
- Lack of Conscience
- Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders are often
preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the
needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as
a lack of moral conscience.
- Lack of Object Constancy
- An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent,
trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate
field of vision.
- Magical Thinking - Looking for supernatural connections between external events and one’s own thoughts, words and actions.
- Narcissism
- This term describes a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of
grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving
attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.
- Neglect
- A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a
dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for
them.
- Normalizing
- Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive,
coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the
manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept
something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own
basic code of behavior.
- No-Win Scenarios
- No-Win Scenarios and Lose-Lose Scenarios are situations commonly
created by people who suffer from personality disorders where they
present two bad options to someone close to them and pressure them into
choosing between the two. This usually leaves the
non-personality-disordered person with a 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' feeling.
- Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
- Parental Alienation Syndrome
- A term used to describe the process by which one parent, typically
divorced or separated from the other biological parent, uses their
influence to make a child believe that the other parent is bad, evil or
worthless.
- Pathological Lying
- Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests
and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A
pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own
needs.
- Proxy Recruitment
- A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating
other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing
your dirty work" for you.
- Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute that are disproportionate to the situation at hand.
- Sabotage
- The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a
personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
- Scapegoating - Singling out an individual or group for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
- Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
- Self-Aggrandizement - A pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.
- Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
- Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
- Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.
- Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual's thoughts or feelings.
- Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.
- Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
- Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
When the inevitable conflicts occur, it is inconceivable to the
Narcissist that any fault could be attributed to them. In order to
transfer the responsibility for outrageous and damaging acts, they will
indulge in the practice of Projection. Projection is a term meant to
describe the transference of culpability from the guilty to the
innocent. Anyone who has ever had to live with a Narcissist will
recognize this tactic instantly. However, if a person hasn't been a
victim of Projection, they may never fully understand the anguish it
causes.
Projection invariably occurs whenever a crisis point is reached. Since
it is impossible for the Narcissist to admit thoughtlessness or error,
it must have been someone else who was at fault. It is almost impossible
to describe the feeling of confusion that the victim of Narcissistic
abuse feels when they not only have to endure the abuse, but be accused
of being the abuser as well. It is like falling down the rabbit hole, where up is down and right is wrong. The abused question
themselves because of the very strength of their character, which drew
the attention of the Narcissist in the beginning of the relationship.
In closing this blog, my greatest hope is that anyone who finds this blog is helped before destruction. A dear friend of mine said,
"There is always warning before destruction." These are wise words! The difficulty rests in being able to spot the warning signs before it's too late.
Love, hugs and peace,
Laura
All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.
Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval,
pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and
other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep
shame and unworthiness.
When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these
feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush
into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the
narcissist.
Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are
capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a
part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary
like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and
projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her
unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival
mechanism.
He or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these
unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.Bm8Bby3J.dpuf
What is Narcissistic Projection?
All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because
they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.
Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval,
pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and
other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep
shame and unworthiness.
When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these
feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush
into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the
narcissist.
Narcissistic injury feels like
emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are
capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a
part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary
like it –
but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation –
‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and
projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her
unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival
mechanism.
He or she will inevitably
assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these
unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.Bm8Bby3J.dpuf
What is Narcissistic Projection?
All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.
Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval,
pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and
other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep
shame and unworthiness.
When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these
feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush
into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the
narcissist.
Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are
capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a
part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary
like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and
projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her
unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival
mechanism.
He or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these
unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.Bm8Bby3J.dpuf
What is Narcissistic Projection?
All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because
they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.
Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval,
pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and
other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep
shame and unworthiness.
When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these
feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush
into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the
narcissist.
Narcissistic injury feels like
emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are
capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a
part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary
like it –
but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation –
‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and
projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her
unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival
mechanism.
He or she will inevitably
assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these
unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.Bm8Bby3J.dpuf
What is Narcissistic Projection?
All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.
Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval,
pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and
other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep
shame and unworthiness.
When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these
feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush
into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the
narcissist.
Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.
Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are
capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a
part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary
like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.
Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.
The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and
projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her
unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival
mechanism.
He or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.
This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these
unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).
- See more at: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/#sthash.Bm8Bby3J.dpuf
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