Don't Let the Door Hit You in the Back- Apologies Never Gotten

May 29th marked the one year anniversary that I refused It2's request to be demoted to booty call. For the past year I've been avoiding places that I used to frequent and watching over my shoulder at places I attend. Running into It2 is something I've wanted to avoid at all costs. These self imposed restrictions are seemingly incomprehensible to those who've never experienced destruction at the hands of a pathological partner. It's a kind of prison I wouldn't wish on anyone. But in terms of healing, safety is one of the kindest things one can do for oneself.

I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to fully heal until I can go home to Tucson. The problem rests in my love of jazz and the city of Pittsburgh. As a friend put it, "perhaps the fear is rooted in the social dynamics of the situation. After all your ex is a big fish in a little pond and you're a guppy." That rang true to me. Running into It2 at the jazz clubs I attend would put me in a position of lower status in a hierarchical environment.  I love jazz. I love jazz as much as I love(d) mountain biking. Pittsburgh jazz is my only respite in an otherwise miserable situation. So I continue to try to find a way to balance my love of jazz with my self imposed restrictions, all the while knowing that the inevitable encounter would eventually come to pass.

About a week ago I went to my favorite jazz club to hear one of my sax teachers perform. It was on a night I was 95% sure that It2 wouldn't show up. But I was wrong. It2 did show up. Thankfully not to perform, but as it walked right past me I braced myself for the trigger that would follow. Much to my surprise I didn't melt down. I've grown a lot in the past year and have gathered strength from my family and friends. Although I did experience a trigger, I was able to put it in perspective. The first thought that came to mind was,"NO! I will not give It2 that power!" and I truly felt that conviction. I stayed. I must admit it was difficult to re-immerse myself into the music, but the fact that I was able to even peripherally enjoy the evening marks a huge personal victory.

Later, I stepped outside to smoke thinking that It2 had already left. I was wrong. As I was standing in front of the door it opened, hitting me in the back. It2 came out and said, "Oh, sorry." When I discovered it was  It2 I, once again, wondered if the trigger would overwhelm me. But, much to my surprise, I responded, "Yes! You should be sorry! For that, and so much more!"

Perhaps this wasn't the best response given the circumstances, but I later realized that this was the only kind of apology one can receive from an NSpath. A perfunctory, inconsequential apology toward a would be stranger that is ultimately meaningless. Did It2 know it was me outside the door? No. And it really doesn't matter. In any case, It2's response was to make sure I knew that it was not inclined to acknowledge me. It2 called back to my friend I was talking with as a gesture of regaining dominance. No matter...she saw through it and I felt the love and support of true friends there. But more importantly I now know that I am healing.

I still believe that I won't fully heal until I am able to go home, but now that the first encounter with It2 is over I can feel a bit easier about going out. I will still watch my back and be vigilant of my triggers, but the fact that I took back some of my power is a huge advance.

Love and hugs,
Laura

Stages of Grief from a Psychopathic Relationship

by 

Peace

Published on 02-24-2012 07:45 PM

228 Comments 

The traditional 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

You will undoubtedly feel all of those at some point while recovering from the psychopathic relationship. But losing a psychopath is not like losing a friend/family member; it's not like losing a regular, loving partner. Here are the modified stages of grief from a psychopathic relationship:

Total Devastation
All-consuming devastation. Absolute shock and disbelief. Feelings of total emptiness, thoughts of suicide and extreme difficulty performing trivial tasks. Your hormones are going cold-turkey from a chemical addiction. You will feel ugly and drained -- your body will physically deteriorate (before/after pictures of D&D victims are horrifying). Your sex drive will oscillate between desire for him and the misery of thinking about what you no longer have. Psychologically, you are extremely raw and vulnerable from the D&D, but at this point you aren't even aware what a D&D is -- you are just a victim of it, and therefore feel it instead of understand it (like you do now). You genuinely believe you deserve this. That you are worthless. You are nobody without him. You are jealous, crazy, needy, clingy, everything is your fault.


Denial
Typically begins when the psychopath starts waving his "happy" life in your face. You see him running off with OW, or telling the world how flawless his life is (commonly done through social media). You aren't even angry about the OW, because you likely have no idea how long the infidelity was going on. You just feel the need to prove that you are fine and dandy like the psychopath, because then maybe he'll want you back. You change jobs, friends, lash out at everyone and everything except the psychopath. You go out drinking, partying, having mindless sex, in huge efforts to convince yourself and him that you are fine. You will become very impulsive, blowing money and harboring delusional thoughts of returning to your idealizer. You may try to replicate the exact dynamic you had with the psychopath with another man, only to get very frustrated that your sex life isn't as good or that he doesn't love-bomb you with attention.


Education & Self-doubtSomehow, you come across psychopathy (or narcissism, sociopathy, etc). Whether it be through an internet search or a therapist, you know deep down that something within you is deeply broken. Even though you want to prove you're happy, you also want to figure out what the hell just happened. When you read all of the red flags of psychopathy, you will experience extreme self-doubt. You will continue to blame yourself and wonder if you're just labeling him a psychopath because you can't handle the "truth" (his truth) of how you ruined the relationship. You oscillate back and forth between your idealizer and devaluer. How could someone who claimed to be so amazed by you also hate your guts? How could he go from obsession to contempt in the blink of an eye? It isn't possible. There's no way you dated a psychopath. He loved you. Right?


Understanding the Psychopath
This stage doesn't exist in any way with the normal stages, but it's one of the most important in your recovery process. Education can only take you so far. You need to feel what they feel. Most victims live by compassion and love, so it is nearly impossible to empathize with a psychopath. In fact, this is why they're able to get away with so much. Because normal human beings automatically project their conscience onto everyone else. But sooner or later, you will be so consumed by psychopathy that you finally understand how their minds work. You can actually put all of his behavior into the perspective of a psychopath and suddenly everything clicks. It all makes sense, when it never did before. From the mirroring to the love-bombing to the delayed criticism to the eventual D&D. You feel disgusted. You realize you were never loved; just another target a never-ending cycle. You realize you've never behaved like this in any other relationship. You can look back at all of the things that made you feel paranoid, and see that they were all calculated and intentional. You come to the horrifying realization that the person you trusted was actively working against you.

Rage
Once you understand the psychopath, you're absolutely disgusted. Your self-doubt is being replaced by anger. You know the truth. You see how you were used, manipulated, and brainwashed. You're beyond angry. You want to murder him. You want to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did. You want to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell (don't, by the way. NCEA). You obsessively talk about it with your friends and family, you need to get your story out there. You've been shut up and minimized for so long, your voice is finally free. You begin to feel all of the things you weren't allowed to feel in the relationship. Whenever you accused him of cheating or lying, he would turn it around and blame it on you so you felt bad instead of mad. This cognitive dissonance has caused ahuge displacement of anger. You feel delayed emotions of jealousy as you realize how long the cheating was going on, as you realize he was telling her you were abusive in order to gain her sympathy. The smear campaign makes you feel the need to prove yourself. This delayed rage is totally expected after a psychopathic relationship. It can take months, even years to feel. Please, if possible, do not act on it. You will only prove the psychopath's point. The greatest thing you can do is remain calm and composed. It will drive him insane. He wants you to feel rage so he can show everyone how crazy you are and how much you still love him.


Depression
You will go back and forth between depression and rage for a very long time. You will have good days and bad. One day, you will think you can move on -- the next, you wake up angry and screaming. You don't want to be mad. You don't deserve to be mad. All you did was fall in love. You isolate yourself, you surround yourself with people who understand you on discussion forums. You have obsessive, racing thoughts. The tiniest things set you off. Your boundaries are returning (or perhaps being formed for the very first time) and you can't believe you let yourself sink so low. You realize how much you lost. Not just friends, money, life experience, etc, but also your innocence. Your kind understanding of the world has been shattered. Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly have trouble trusting. You will experience constant feeling of dread and tightness in your heart.


Healing
You start asking questions. Why did this happen? What are my vulnerabilities? Of course these vulnerabilities aren't your fault, but it is important to understand how you were able to be exploited. You're spending time with others who have gone through something similar, so you have hope and little bursts of joy. You have validation beyond belief, often triggering you back to rage & depression, but these feelings are healthy. You are finally feeling what you were supposed to feel during the entire relationship. Everything falls into place and you can calmly & coherently describe what you went through and what happened. Instead offeeling the D&D, you can talk about it like a scientific term. You've made new friends, and you're starting to realize that you've almost made it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it's taking a while to get there.


Self-DiscoveryYou begin to discover your strengths. Many of these were strengths you always possessed but never valued. You realize your compassion, empathy, and love are not weaknesses. They are the most incredible gifts in the world, when applied to the right people. Your self-respect comes from within, not other people validating your insecurities. You start to understand who you are and who you're truly meant to be. It took the psychopath's nastiness to make you see exactly who you never want to be. You laugh at his old notions that "you were the same person", because you realize you are exactly the opposite. You begin to explore your creative side, and you stop caring what others think of you. Old friendships may change as you change and become more confident. Embrace the new you, and open your heart to love again. You are free now. You should be so, incredibly proud of yourself. You made it, and your life path has forever changed for the better 

Why Narcissists Choose Us by Lisa E Scott

One of the best and most succinct explanations I've come across yet. Thank you Lisa!!

Love and hugs,
Laura

Why Narcissists Choose Us by Lisa E Scott

If you’re like me, you have fallen for more than one Narcissist. As a result, I often ask myself why I’m attracted to these personality types and would like to understand why they are attracted to me.

Check out Lisa's book

In my opinion, the first part of this question is simple. It is easy to fall for a Narcissist. They are charming, witty and often the life of the party. They are the quintessential Alpha Male. To spend time with them is exciting and fun. There is an intensity about them that is indescribable. They possess a force that is magnetic. There is simply never a dull moment and they always keep you on your toes.

On the other hand, understanding why they are attracted to me is a bit more perplexing. Recently, however, I have finally started to understand it. I have learned I am an Empath, which describes a person who is highly tuned into other’s emotions and extremely sensitive. I have always been this way. In fact, my childhood friend was once asked to describe me in one word and without hesitation she responded by saying “sensitive.” I was surprised by the rapid-fire response she gave, but it was eye-opening, to say the least.

I have always been sensitive, and I find this to be both a blessing and a curse. I can feel other people’s emotions as if they’re my own. I have been told by others that my ability to empathize with them is palpable. While this is a blessing in many ways, it can prove difficult in interpersonal relationships. Empaths feel things more strongly than others and Narcissists pick up on the sensitivity of an Empath and take advantage of it. An Empath is the perfect accoutrement to a Narcissist.

Empaths are incredible listeners, naturally giving and always there for people they care about. Narcissists notice this immediately because they purposefully seek a partner who is compassionate and in tune with their never-ending needs. An Empath absorbs the emotions of others and will easily fall prey to a Narcissist, who uses others as an emotional sponge.

Empaths are very sensitive to suffering in the world and are often idealists who want to fix the world’s problems. Empaths have an incredible capacity for self-sacrifice and are often found volunteering or dedicating time to help others. People naturally feel comfortable sharing their feelings with an Empath because of their incredible ability to feel compassion and connect with others.

Whereas a Narcissist does not connect well with others, an Empath connects too much. When Empaths are around peace and love, they flourish. However, when surrounded by an emotional vampire, like the Narcissist, an Empath is ravaged. An Empath absorbs the negativity, fear and rage of a Narcissist. So much so that they take on these problems as their own and try to fix things for their partner. This is precisely what a Narcissist is looking for in a partner and exactly why they seek out relationships with Empaths.

The Narcissist chooses us for a reason. They choose us because we are strong, successful, intelligent and driven. They need someone to take care of their never-ending child-like needs and certainly are not going to choose someone who can't provide for them. They know they can take a lot from us and gain significantly by being in a relationship with us. They want to be taken care of and choose strong people to partner with for a reason. Overall, I believe being an Empath is truly a gift, but we must be careful not to allow others to take advantage of us.

I received the following message this morning from forum member, Carol24, and it inspired me to write this blog. Carol says it perfectly, so with her permission, I’d like to share her words with all of you:

"Hi Lisa,

I just had a thought and I felt I wanted to share it with you.

I have noticed that so many of us ladies who write in blame ourselves constantly. For example, one lady was beating herself up because she had given in and contacted her ex when she heard he was going through a difficult time. I pointed out that, although no-contact is the way to go, what she did was kind and she should not feel disappointed in herself for having feelings of human nature. It is as if our narcissist partners have programmed us all to see all of our positive attributes as weaknesses. Perhaps they do this on purpose because they perceive having feelings as weak and a disadvantage.

It does sometimes appear that the narcissist has the upper-hand over us genuine people because they lack feelings. e.g. They break our hearts but they will never experience this themselves which seems so unjust. From what I've read, narcissism itself seems to be a defense mechanism that is designed to protect them from being hurt by others - it is very effective! We all like to believe that "what goes around comes around" but it seems that, for them, this is not the case. They are like machines without feelings and it is easy for those of us who have been made to feel helpless and powerless by them to begin to see this as a strength or even to feel some degree of jealousy because they can hurt us whilst that their emotionless "thick-skin" is deemed inpenetrable .

However, I think it is important for us ladies to remind ourselves that, due to their sub-conscious feelings of self-loathing, narcissists also have contempt for the people who love them and this is their weakness. Underneath their haughty facade they have such little self-worth that when they see that a woman wants to be with them they (sub-consciously) ask themselves "why?" and "what's wrong with her that makes her want to be with a pathetic worthless creature like me?". They then go on to treat the woman very badly as a result of these feelings of total contempt.

Although we are victims of their abusive behaviour, deep down we are much stronger people than they are. Our self-esteem will recover in time but theirs never will. They will always need other people to validate their self-worth, where as we are healthy-minded women who can validate our own self-worth. We must never allow ourselves to feel that our good qualities, such as kindness, thoughtfulness or wanting to see the good in other people, make us weak. We are strong and they are the weak ones."

This member is right. The Narcissist does purposefully cause us to doubt ourselves and our good-naturedness. The one thing a Narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A Narcissist will never experience the range of emotions we do, which is precisely why they are so jealous, envious and covetous of those of us who can.

We cannot allow the Narcissist to cause us to doubt ourselves because of their jealousy. They manipulate us into believing that we did something wrong by loving them. We blame ourselves for loving this person when we did absolutely nothing wrong but believe in the goodness of another person.

The Narcissist chooses us for a reason and we must never forget that reason!

"Don't rob a friend, a partner, family member or the world of someone that could have been a real companion, and someone that could make a difference. Don't ever give up being special!"
~ Willy Conradie