One of the most common misconceptions about narcissiopaths is that they are drawn to weakness. After a year of intensive research I have come to the conclusion that this is not only an utter falsehood, it is destructive for survivors.In fact, Narcissiopaths are attracted to strength. It is their own weakness, i.e their inability to feel or have empathy that draws them to those of us who are very empathetic and caring. These qualities are hardly a weakness.
They also target areas that they find troublesome. In my own case my ex N/S targeted my political/feminist convictions, vegetarianism and atheism. By the time It was done with me I was eating meat, accepting misogyny, considering having plastic surgery and attending synagogue with It and believing that somehow I was making these choices freely. But I wasn't.
Its method was to agree with me wholly and then little by little chip away at my conviction and esteem using a kind of convoluted logic that is difficult to combat -- read impossible once you're hooked. My ex N/S claimed to be a feminist, socialist who was spiritual but not religious and who respected my eating choices, that was AT FIRST! Never did It demand that I accept Its misogyny, religion or eating habits. Its game was to make me "decide" to give in to It, while openly asking me "not to make it too easy" for It.
What N/S's target is your w
ill and your ability to trust your own judgments. This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to heal afterward. Nothing is safe because everything requires our judgment.Recently I stopped eating meat again and am getting actively involved in feminist politics. I am finally healing! I am still questioning my spiritual
beliefs, but am no longer feeling any pressure to believe in God in one way or another. In short I have reestablished my free will.Love and hugs, Laura
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ReplyDeleteOops! should read before I post!
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing Laura. My "N" tried to change the way I dressed into this dull look. He liked my style when he met me, and even remarked about my refreshing individuality...not a fad follower (I like to wear interesting waist jackets, paddock boots, jeans and when dressing up, I like simple and classy). I have worked as a commercial artist all my life even in agencies and wore whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. He liked my individuality but once he thought I was getting locked in he tried to dress me down. He even bought me things without my permission and gave them to me. I just said..."no, thanks for the thought and thanks anyway...it's not me. I like who I am and am comfortable with how I look." Soon my "stong independent self confident nature that he loved so much turned into (in his view) my being difficult and stubborn. Yikes...they do try to shake our very foundation...but mine was strong. I still suffered though...the shock of being "not human" was severe. But thanks to you girl and your blog, all the books you recommend, I managed to crawl up out of the quicksand and back up on my foundation. I would even go as far as to say I am stronger and more convicted in my individualism after this experience than I perhaps was before. Hugs! You rock!
Another amazing post!!! I can't thank you enough for writing these blogs because selfishly it makes me feel sane again! No truer statement has been said than, "What N/S's target is your will and your ability to trust your own judgments. This is one of the reasons it is so difficult to heal afterward. Nothing is safe because everything requires our judgment." Boy can I ever relate to that one. Because of all the crazy (but didn't seem to be at the time) things that my ex talked me into, it now makes me question myself and my judgment. I found myself doing/saying things that I have never ever done/thought before. And looking back, that scares the heck out of me!!! It is going to take me a very long time to get over that. Anyway, thank you for your openness and most of all for sharing and helping the rest of us heal and realize we aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteLaura...there is another element I'd like to address that hasn't much been touched on. In a relationship with a human that suffers from NPD it is also that we are required to survive the manufacture and promotion of the "N dream". The dream is the promises for the future fed to the potential mirror (us) to keep their attention positive and centered so the reflection we bounce back at the "N" is a positive and excited one. It generally is a dream that manifest some element of our hopes and dreams for our futures (as "N" studies us so intently and discovers that element), and the "N" skillfully paints an indelible picture that appears, for all intents and purposes, not only believable and possible, but as being a certainty if one remains in the relationship with the "N". So additional to the loss of one's "love" (a manufactured illusion) there is also the loss of a "future" as painted eloquently, colourfully and assuredly by the "N" (also another manufactured illusion). In leaving the "N" and returning to life as we knew it, our immediate vision of the future therefore can pale in comparison to that which was spoon fed us during the romancing and hooking stage of the relationship with our "N". That too is a huge loss and it can be very difficult to return to and be satisfied with the vague yet hopeful dreams we had before they came into our lives. It's a very tough experience!!
ReplyDeleteHugs 'n Love