Another fantastic article from lovefraud.com's "Healing After the Sociopath....Discovering What We Are Capable Of"
"This article is about one of the most important aspects of trauma processing. It is about what we learn as we realize that there is some other reality on the other side of healing. We play with this idea all the way through our healing. Certainly, the angry phase is about learning to be different than we were, working on not being a victim anymore. But there is more than that. There is also learning the lessons that sociopaths can teach us about winning...
Sharks and Carps and Dolphins
.Sharks are addicted to winning. Carps are addicted to being loved. These rough generalizations offer us a wealth of understanding about the differences between empaths (feeling people) and people who cannot bond.
There is another, related concept in this book a
bout the nature of human interactions. That is, in all interactions, we act on what is most important to us – either the relationship or the outcome. If we are more concerned about the relationship, we are willing to compromise or give in to keep things friendly between us. If we are more concerned about the outcome, we will do whatever we have to do to get what we want. Outcome-oriented interactions may include a lot of apparent relationship-building but it is all part of the plan to get the desired outcome."
...a third type, the dolphin, which has two characteristics that are different from the carp and the shark. The dolphin experiments with new strategies, when its standard behaviors aren’t working in a situation. Second, the dolphin will generally act like a peaceable, relationship-oriented carp unless circumstances require acting like a shark. When it is ne
cessary to place outcome over relationship, the dolphin has no problem doing that.
In our healing from relationships with sociopaths, we practice outcome-over-relationship in many ways. We make the decision to end these relationships and then cut off contact. We place our health and survival first."
love and hugs, Laura
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There is a dolphin fetish sculpture where I work that I have admired for weeks now. I've never been enamored by dolphins in any way, yet this little work of art has been calling to me. I think I will set it aside for myself now. :D
ReplyDeleteMalignant Self Love: Nacissism Revisted: I have this book and have been paying it great attention. It is written, as you know, by a doctor who has himself been diagnosed with Nacissistic Personality Disorder. It is a blueprints, as are the others I have read of my experience and yours. One of the most profound exerpts from this book is at the end of the forward...he writes: "I am, as I said, my own worst nightmare. True, the world is replete with my contributions, and I am lots of fun to be around. And true, most contributions like mine are not the result of troubled souls. But many more than you might want to believe are. And if by chance you get caught in my Web, I can make your life a living hell. But remember this. I am in that Web too. The difference between you and me is that you can get out."
ReplyDeleteHerein lies the ONLY reason I feel any feelings for my "N"...if indeed he is all that I have read that describes him to a "t"....all of his victims can escape...but he cannot. That is our saving grace Laura. We can and have escaped and eventually (and as far as I'm concerned not fast enough!) we will recover, return to the whole persons we are and live a rich and rewarding life. We are the lucky ones!
My review of Dr. Sam Vaknin's "Malignant Self Love: http://heatherjoyclarke.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough read...but VITAL in my recovery and return to a place of well being after being exposed for even a short time to the infection of
a narcissistic relationship.
I love this quote by Winston Churchill and it applies, "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it."