Narcissist AND Sociopath!

In a previous post I mentioned that during one of my sessions, my therapist said she believes that because he exploits others for his own gain or pleasure, my ex is not only a malignant narcissist, but a sociopath as well. After a great deal of research, I am now 100% convinced that she was correct. The following is an excerpt from an article by Steven Becker LSCW is one of many I've found on this topic. His argument successfully erases the fuzzy line that separates the two pathologies. Full article can be found by clicking on the title. - Laura

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The Single Most Powerful Signifier of Sociopathy

"...It is a high level of exploitiveness that most singularly exposes the sociopath.

Now exploitiveness is also associated with the narcissistic personality. For this reason extremely destructive (“malignant”) narcissists can be hard to distinguish from sociopaths. Still, a high level of exploitiveness is rarely the single best signifier of narcissistic personality disorder, whereas it is, I suggest, the best single indicator of sociopathy....

Now it is true that empathic individuals will generally be nonexploitive. Why? Because their empathy will prove a deterrent against exploitative impulses or ideas. Empathy, in other words, surely is a powerful deterrent against exploitation....

However, exploitation and remorselessness go hand in hand. The essence of exploitation is the intentional violation of another’s vulnerability. The exploiter knows, on some level, that his behavior is exploitive.

By definition, the exploiter is grossly indifferent to the damaging effect of his behavior on his victim. All that matters is his perceived gain, his demanded, greedy satisfaction. There is indifference to the loss and damage to others resulting from his self-centered, aggressive behaviors...."

Are We Gluttons for Punishment? - The Pathologizing of the Victims of N's

From What Makes Narcissists Tick - by Kathy Krajko

Conventional wisdom says that many ask Must I leave him? because they are "codependent" or "inverted narcissists." That is a fancy way of saying that they are gluttons for punishment, that they get some masochistic pleasure out of being abused. The line is that they seek out narcissistic mates. In other words, they are mentally ill themselves.

There is such a thing as the "martyr complex." But it doesn't apply to an abusive relationship with a narcissist. A person with a martyr complex isn't really abused and doesn't seek real abuse. He or she likes to imagine themselves abused and portray themselves as abused. There's a big difference between that and seeking real abuse!

Yet the victims of narcissists are relentlessly re-victimized (for the sin of having been victimized) by this irrationale for blaming the victim called "codependence." Not only is it unresearched psychobabble masquerading as science, but by now, everyone should know that any explanation that blames the victim should be viewed with healthy skepticism. Why? Because it is anti-logical.

Remember that society used to blame the victim for rape, racism, and every other form of abuse. Different forms of blaming the victim pass in and out of vogue, but blaming the victim is as old as the Bible (illness or misfortune was punishment for sin) and goes on forever. It starts in the schoolyard and continues in the workplace.

Every time the big guy hits on a little one, everyone agrees that the little guy "asked for it." Nobody ever asks, "Now why would he do that?" For, they readily believe that the little guy is so stupid or crazy as to have poked his finger into that big guy's eye. But if you try to say that the big guy just attacked without being provoked, they never fail to skeptically ask, "Now why would he do that?" See the double standard?

Some things never change: anything to blame the victim. Anything.

Here's how this codependency "theory" (pseudoscience) goes: If you have a relationship with a narcissist, your parents abused you as a child and you now subconsciously try to control your narcissist through cunning enabling behaviors to make him or her abuse you, too.

See "The Codependency Idea: When Caring Becomes a Disease," by Robert Westermeyer, Ph.D.

This popular construct is shunned by research psychologists and behaviorally-oriented clinical psychologists particularly for it's lack of empirical support. The allure of codependency is demonstrated by the sales of books on the topic (the only resources on codependency come from self-help sections and fluffy journals). Millions of codependency books have been sold over the past ten years. ...codependent, or co-alcoholic, was originally defined in the late 1970s and early 1980s to help families and spouses of individuals with alcohol and drug problems. ...The idea was that the caring behavior manifested by family members and spouses actually "enabled" the addict to continue using. ...Unfortunately, from the mid eighties to the present, the codependency idea has become bastardized, and with each new self-help book the symptoms of codependency mount. It is literally impossible for anyone walking the planet, with a fourth grade English reading capacity, to finish one of these books and not consider the possibility that he or she is a codependent. ...Not only is all caring manifested by the spouse of an alcoholic deemed pathological, but the very act of compromising one's needs to aid a loved one is now deemed symptomatic of a progressive disease processes, a relationship addiction.

[...]

I've read a fair amount of what the popular press has bequeathed upon us regarding the codependency idea. The three books I scrutinized the most were the most popular. ...Below is my understanding of these authors' conceptualizations:

Codependency is a progressive disease brought about by child abuse, which takes the form of anything "less than nurturing." Codependency is epidemic (maybe all of us are codependent) and defines a vast array of psychological and physical symptoms. The caring manifested by codependents is an unconscious effort to keep repressed pain at bay, and the codependent actually contributes to the addictive behavior of their loved ones by enabling. Enabling keeps the loved one addicted so the codependent can go on caring to gain a sense of self worth. Recovery from codependency requires drastic attitude and lifestyle change (Detachment) and a lifelong commitment to the 12-step regime.

[...]

Codependency is a nebulous idea, born not of science but of the gut feelings of counselors and frustrated lay people. It's black and white requirements for recovery, though seeming reasonable on the surface, are not in line with empirical research and have dangerous implications with regard to the most human of attributes, caring.

See also: Scott O. Lilienfeld, Ph.D., Scientific Review of Mental Health Practice

The past several decades have seen a virtual explosion in the use of controversial and poorly studied psychiatric labels, such as codependency, sexual addiction, road rage disorder, infanticide syndrome, parental alienation syndrome, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and Munchausen's syndrome (factitious disorder) by proxy (see Mart, this issue). Although some of these labels may ultimately be shown to be predictively useful, many are of undemonstrated validity (McCann, Shindler, & Hammond, in press). Nevertheless, such labels are commonly invoked by mental health professionals as scientific explanations of problematic behavior and are introduced by them into courts of law with increasing frequency. In still other cases, there are serious concerns that some psychiatric conditions (e.g., dissociative identity disorder, known formerly as multiple personality disorder) are being substantially overdiagnosed in certain settings.

Saying that a mate reluctant to leave a narcissist is codependent ignores the countless ways that normal people can end up in a crucible, through no fault of their own.

For example, much of what we know about narcissism has come from families in which the poisoned fruit ripened during the last fifteen-to-twenty years. These families were formed after World War II, when there was a shortage of men, and women alone could not support themselves. Doubtless, many women settled for husbands they would not settle for in today's world. Divorce was both financially unfeasible and taboo. Also, if a woman has a narcissistic father, she has no way of knowing that all men are not like that. She has been raised to view his dissatisfaction with her as her fault and to put up with being treated as inferior. She also has feelings abused from early childhood. Bruised feelings. So they are more sensitive than most people's feelings. Narcissists target women like this as easy prey because their self-esteem is easy to puncture.

Narcissists need not be exceptionally intelligent, but they are exceptionally experienced, because they have been playing this game since childhood. So they are diabolical. Therefore, unless a narcissist is manifestly brilliant, he is bound to be underestimated and thought incapable of cunning and duplicity. It is amazing how little suspicion he arouses as he goes to great lengths weaving a web that traps a mate by isolating her from other people and making her financially, socially, and emotionally dependent on him. Then suddenly the honeymoon is over.

Plus, there is such a thing as the cycle of abuse

The Ghost in the Mirror

The Ghost in the Mirror

by Laura Kamienski

You’ve dated some strippers

And fucked a few whores

Though I knew it would kill me

I bowed on all fours

To satisfy and please you

Was my greatest cause

For you wanted perfection

Adulation, applause

Your mask was convincing

Your love seemed so real

But was only a shadow

Of what you can’t feel

A reflection of beauty

Shown in your eyes

But you are so ugly

You need that disguise

Like a slab of white marble

You chip and you shape

The souls of your lovers

You torture and rape

Our pain gives you pleasure

Our death gives you joy

A penniless addict

"Love" is your ploy

Score your next quick fix

The mask dons once more

Prey hopeful, unguarded

You’re sure you will score

Unsuspecting and open

She offers her heart

You fill it with poison

Then rip it apart

Her remains are discarded

You hunt your next prey

Son, friend or ex lover

Will suffice for today

No one of us better

No one of us worse

We are all merely objects

Fallen victims, your curse

In your wake is destruction

Lives tattered and torn

Each the same as the next one

For them never mourn

The lost child inside you

That screams all alone

Is worthy of pity

But is now too far gone

In place an illusion

So inviting so warm

Alive and exciting

Alluring with charm

Your mask is so brilliant

Technicolor so bold

Surface beauty, so stunning

But beneath it, so cold

Mirror, mirror please tell me

My essence is real

Though my reflection was pillaged

My soul will soon heal

The world once so splendid

Seems bitter and cruel

What I wanted was real love

What I found was a ghoul

Turning S%*t Into Shinola - Why I Am Going to Law School

I was recently involved in a discussion on a list-serve for N-Survivors concerning a child custody deposition between their mother and her ExN. The woman was very nervous after her lawyer walked her through a mock interview in which she was subjected to questions which smack of blatant victim blaming. (Click here for a poignant analogy of how this line of thinking goes: "The Rape of Mr. Smith")

When I was an undergrad I was being groomed for law school, but decided against it. At the time, I couldn't see how becoming an attorney would promote any kind of good in the world. What I knew about law in the real world was exemplified by my ex, who, ironically, is an attorney. Yep, my abusive ex unwittingly served as my inspiration to get my butt into law school. I spent a few evenings watching him work himself into a frenzy over sexual harassment cases in which he was defending the accused. The literature is quite explicit about N's being misogynists and my ex is certainly no exception (though the mere mention sent him into a soliloquy about the one women's studies class he took as an undergraduate. You remember the guys who took Intro to Women's studies to get dates!) My desire to become an attorney stems from my tangible realization that misogyny is endemic in our legal system.

So now, after years of study and experience, my journey has brought me full circle and I have decided to apply to law school and become a legal advocate on behalf of survivors of abuse. When my friends ask me why I've decided to go to law school I answer, "Because there is a need for attorneys who are willing to defend the victims of abuse." If "defending victims" doesn't seem like a contradiction in terms to you, you might want to ask yourself how guilty you are of blaming the victims of abuse for their own abuse.

The following article gets at the heart of this issue. Once again, Kathy Krajko is spot on! I simply can't recommend her book highly enough. --Laura


Blaming the Victim
by Kathy Krajko

The first thing the victims of narcissists need to know is that they are not to blame.

Not one bit.

In other words, he didn't get mad because dinner was was late. She didn't blow up because you are "too this" or "too that." You didn't "ask for it" by speaking up and saying that you deserved some attention and respect.

The narcissist attacked you just because you are there, period. Don't you have a right to be there?

Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications?

Does that make any sense? That's as hateful as the crime against humanity of attacking people just for being a certain KIND or nationality.

The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

It would make as much sense to blame a sheep for getting attacked by a wolf. So what if the wolf says, "I attacked her because she is an obnoxious sheep!" What idiot falls for that line? Yet narcissist sympathizers are doing precisely this and are therefore being irrational.

The narcissist attacked just to do it, and he or she attacks any prey they have some unfair advantage over. They never pick a fair fight. They are bullies, period.

They do it to vaunt themselves on others. It gives them a high. Like as in a high from a hit on drug.

Does this mean you are a saint? Of course not. Does it mean you have never said or done anything in an argument with a narcissist that you should regret? Of course not.

You are like a bank teller who gets shot in a holdup. You are totally innocent of getting shot. Don't let the sloppy thinkers like narcissists and their sympathizers convince you that you are to blame because you were rude, or because you were embezzling, or because you are a drug addict. All that is irrelevant TO HIM SHOOTING YOU.

Of course you should change those things about yourself, but the "intellectual" clowns who make out your character flaws as justifying abuse of you are complete idiots unable to see the relationship between cause and effect.

Being late with dinner is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Being "too this" or "too that" for his taste is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you. Demanding decent and respectful treatment is no excuse for the narcissist to attack you.

I don't care how "threatened" any of that makes the poor, twisted narcissist feel. His perverted feelings are HIS problem, not yours. Like Osama bin Wanton, he will never run out of twisted excuses to irrationalize his attacks on you, so get off the guilt trip. His perversity is not YOUR vice.

Narcissists attack you just to do it. You are therefore 100% innocent of your victimization. Blow off this absurd "It takes two to Tango" crap.

Doubtless, you will discover that there are certain things you should stop doing. Good. Now you wise up and stop being manipulated in ways that play right into the narcissist's hands. Now you cannot be victimized.

THIS is how you stop being a victim.

But foggy-headed idiots (like those espousing the co-dependence theory) try to claim that you stop being a victim by pretending that you have never been made one. That's crazy.

That is magical thinking, like the narcissist's. You HAVE been made a victim. That's a FACT, like it or not. And "victim" is not a dirty word. Though being a victim is nothing to aspire to and is something to avoid, being a victim is NOT a sin. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To the contrary, the most innocent are the most unsuspecting and most easily victimized ... until they have learned the hard way not to assume that other people are good. And these foggy-headed idiots who blame the victim should be able to see that. (Maybe if they stopped thinking in buzzword-laden slogans, like robots, they would.)

You stop being a victim by wising up so that you are never again victimized. It requires nothing beyond COMMON SENSE to realize that.

In some cases, the narcissist has stolen something of value from you, like your job or reputation - something you have every right to get back from the damned thief. You stop being a victim when you win justice and get it back, period.

Are Narcissists Unable to Contrrol Themselves? - Excerpt from What Makes Narcissists Tick by Cathy Krajko

If you know a narcissist, you already know the answer to that question. Here's an example that fits their MO.

Narcissist walks into a room. There is a young, unmarried female colleague or his wife. He takes a quick glance around the room and sees that no one else is there. Then he abuses the woman, cruelly mocking her in some way.

Several hours later, he enters the same room. There she is again. But this time a half-dozen other people are present as well. He goes up to her and accosts her in the friendliest tone, complimenting her on something and just really gobbing the make-up on his image.

Now, as that question again: Are those poor, poor narcissists unable to control themselves? Answer: If the narcissist resisted his predatory urges the second time, he could have resisted them the first time.

And, by the way, what is the song and dance we hear about narcissists not "meaning" to hurt people? Since the narcissist knew how to treat the woman decently the second time, he intended to threat her indecently the first time.

Reasonable people can and do disagree about many things, but this is not one of them. There is a definite right and wrong answer to this question, and only the willfully blind and irrational refuse to know that narcissists can and do control their behavior.

If fact, they calculate it.

Not Alone - Sisterhood of Survivors

The following excerpt is the blog description of another survivor's blog (linked at title). The more I research this disease the more astounded I am by how ALL of the stories are interchangeable. Laura

He will ALWAYS have someone else lined up before he bails out or you are ready to kick him out.

He shows no remorse for his cruelty and will blame you for everything. He has no capacity for introspection and no desire for counselling or finding a way to work things out.

When things are not going HIS way, he secretly finds another woman and once he is sure that he has them in his hooked claws, you become WORTHLESS, however long you have been together and whatever love, support and loyalty you have shown him counts for nothing.

You usually have no warning - he can seem affectionate and doting right up until he rips your life apart.

His bizarre behaviour spins your reality so much, you end up baffled and confused and start to question your own sanity.

If you try to analyse the situation, he will try everything possible to convince you that you are indeed CRAZY and will convince his new, lovesick supply source (and her family and friends) that you are a knife-wielding maniac in dire need of psychiatric treatment. (Sandra Betts - Knitting the Guillotine)

Cat & Mouse Predation

My ex told me on at least six occasions that, "I should remember that we train people how to treat us." He also warned me on at least two occasions, "not to make it too easy for him." I told my therapist about these remarks today. Her face changed (something that rarely happens in therapy in my experience) and she said:

"Laura, I haven't said this to you yet, but I'm going to say it now. You need to forgive yourself. This man is a Sociopath in addition to being a Narcissist. You were dealing with someone who is in a less than one percentile of the population and after hearing your story I know for a fact that there is nothing you could have done better than you did to recognize and get out of that relationship."

I asked her specifically what she meant by Sociopath and her statement simply put was that in addition to objectifying people, my ex's predatory nature makes him thrive off of cat and mouse chases. Make no mistake, narcissists are predators. They choose you for two seemingly opposite reasons. First because you possess some strong quality they wish to possess, but second because you're vulnerable in some way (and let's face it we are all vulnerable in some way). They start by allying with your strengths and then the proceed to TRAIN YOU how to treat them. In other words they "love" you so well and so completely until you love them back completely and then they steal your free will from you one tiny piece at a time. All for the sole purpose of getting NS. Their training program consists of strategic giving and withholding at opportune moments. NPD is a disorder, that means their logic and thinking is disordered and it is disorienting for their victims. They mirror you and they have a lifetime of practice of mirroring. They make normal seem abnormal and the reverse. You believe that your thoughts and actions are your own, but they are really his.

Here's how it happens.

A narcissist meets you and is attracted to you. He watches you carefully assessing your strengths and your weaknesses. Using his extraordinary skills at reading people he morphs into exactly what you want him to be over the next weeks, months or years becoming your dream lover until you are so emotionally invested (read more in love than you've ever been) that hurting yourself would be less painful than risking the relationship. At that point he begins trying to mold you into his impossibly ideal mate. That's the peak of idealization period. When it becomes clear that you can't become his ideal (no one can!) the devaluation begins.

The first demeaning remarks I remember were simple things like his not liking my glasses or some of my clothes. Okay. Fair enough. We all have different tastes. But at this point I'm so invested in our relationship that I feel compelled to spend gobs of money on glasses that he will like, only to get a small pat on the head and a request to "be there when I order new prescription sunglasses." Still not something to go OMG he's a Narcissist about. Over time these demeaning and critical remarks continued to add up and get worse until, by the end, I was actually considering plastic surgery to try to please him! (He had a list of improvements and repairs already in mind.)

Coupled with the demeaning remarks and backhanded compliments are little actions that make you feel worthless. My ex N would turn off the heat or air conditioning in the apartment when he left, even though he knew I'd be staying there all day. I'm not worth the few extra cents on the heating bill. He also took great pleasure in suggesting expensive sports equipment I "should" own so that I could do the things he likes to do. Of course with no job or savings I was then required to pay more than half for them. Following the purchase he loved to announce how good he was to me to friends and family. I suggested that he should buy a new mountain bike so we could ride more together (my favorite sport!) but that was a waste of money and using my second bike was just fine with him.

The abuse is so subtle that the best way to describe it is death by a thousand paper cuts. You know, the kind of cuts that really sting, but when you notice them you wonder "where did that come from?" The tiny criticisms wear you down and leave you feeling resentful and diminished. What makes you think you're crazy is that in between the paper cuts he soothes you with a few strategically timed and lovingly placed band aids. The compliments happen just when they are most welcome and any little compliment, even the backhanded ones, make you remember the man you first met. You think he's on his way back until the next paper cut shows up. And that's how it goes. On and on and on until there is nothing of you left but a bloody, suffering mess and he discards you, telling you it's your fault for being so pathetic.

The Love of A Narcissist is Like a Desert Oasis

I once asked one of my closest friends why she thought I fell in love with my ex so easily. She said that since I had been in a loveless marriage for so long that meeting someone like him was like finding an oasis in the desert. I had no idea how appropriate that metaphor actually was.

Narcissists are incapable of authentic or deep feelings for anyone. Like the desert Narcissists are vast, empty and dry inside. Like a desert oasis Narcissistic Love is a mirage, a shallow illusion, a mere reflection. It leaves you hopeful, but even more desperate and thirsty for the real thing.

The metaphor can be taken even one step further. The closest thing a Narcissist can feel to love is when he is receiving narcissistic supply in full potency. This feeling is very intense for him and what he gives in response to it feels very real to his lover (or child). However, just as real water in the desert is almost always poisonous to the body narcissistic love is just as deadly to the soul.

Narcissists are predators. They prey on any kind of vulnerability. If they suspect you’re a desert wanderer in need of a long, cool drink they will present the most glorious oasis for your pleasure.

But beware, once you find yourself in the middle of the reflective pool, marveling at all its beauty (and it is beautiful!) your Narcissist will give you a taste of the real stuff from the rancid desert puddle inside him.

Bait and Switch - Excerpt from Narcisstic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

When the N meets a new woman, a woman who appears to possess admirable characteristics he desires, he is immediately drawn to her with the magical thinking that she could be "the one."

In the beginning of their relationship, the N sees strengths and qualities in his partner he wishes to possess, so he immediately tries to convince her that they are meant to be together. His acute fear of abandonment intensifies his desire so he often rushes into things others would avoid in the early stages of relationships. He may tell his partner he is in love with her within weeks of meeting her. His need to secure the relationship and avoid abandonment drives him to become possessive, even with his partners things. He may refer to her house as "home," or say "our car" instead of "your car." By establishing ownership right away, he feels he is securing his catch and decreasing his chance of being deserted. Ironically, when things go awry in the relationship, the N doesn't have an issue with abandonment, as he usually bolts, without looking back.

His disorder dictates motivation, but he actually has the ability to refrain from acting upon that motivation. ...

...Those victimized often come to believe that an N is simply an insensitive player who takes what he wants and then discards it when he no longer has use for it. Convincing an N of this is much more difficult. His reality is warped and he actually views himself as the victim. In his distorted way of thinking, he has to suffer through many imperfect relationships and deal with insecure, clingy women who often "stalk" him after their relationships end, all because he is trying to find true love. Life seems so unfair to the N. He doesn't realize that his fear of abandonment, coupled with his fear of commitment, creates pain and insecurity in his partners. He is clueless to the fact that his lies and inconsistencies are what bring about the lack of trust in his relationships. Many times the N actually believes the narratives he spins for himself are true; therefore, his lies become his reality.

Because the N appears sincere, generous and giving in the beginning of his relationship, he convinces his charmed partner that he believes he's found the perfect mate. She believes that she is the answer to his prayers and gets caught up in the euphoria of ideal love. She relaxes and begins to cultivate a relationship with him.

The fear of abandonment which we spoke of earlier causes the N to secure his relationship by charming or convincing his partner that she is "the one." Once she buys into his ardent affirmations, she commits herself to the relationship with him. The N's fear of commitment causes him to back away at this stage. The hunt, the chase, and the manipulation are the "highs" for the N. The possibility that someone as special as his partner could want him is what drives him to gain her possession. Once he has her, however, he convinces himself that she must be flawed to want someone like him and begins to notice things about her that weren't as obvious in the beginning of their relationship. However, when something goes wrong, the relationship is no longer "ideal" to the N. Once flawed, the relationship loses value to him.

Ironically the very things that attracted him to his partner initially have become the things that repulse him once she commits to him. What he has seen as strong independence morphs into stubborn pride. What he viewed as impressive organizational skills become anal retentiveness. He justifies his initial blindness to her flaws by convincing himself that he had been in a vulnerable state of mind when he met her or that he allowed his physical attraction to he cloud his judgment. He feels embarrassed that he could have mistaken his attraction to her for his ideal partner, but he rationalizes that his weakened emotional state could have caused him confusion.

As the relationship begins to deteriorate (in his mind), the N plans his escape. He feels no empathy for his partner and now sees her as the "bad guy." She doesn't "get" him (he doesn't see how his inconsistencies in behavior could leave anyone with a lack of understanding.) She is too needy (he is unaware that he actually caused her insecurities by continuously pulling away from her.) She is more concerned with her needs than his (how dare anyone have a life outside of catering to an N?). By staying with a flawed, self-serving, insecure, distrusting person, the N would be compromising his "integrity." He would feel smothered, overwhelmed and victimized. He would feel as if he were giving up any chance of ever finding his ideal love. Since he ultimately puts himself and his needs first, the N doesn't hesitate to save himself from what he sees as a tortuous existence, and flees...

...Material possessions, souvenirs from partners, people who have served as "good supply," music that reminds him of positive moments in his life and trophies representing achievements or accomplishments are all kept by the N as sources of secondary narcissistic supply. His efforts to discard and forget all sources of negative supply are equally as ardent as his efforts to hang onto the positive reminders. His ability to discard people he seemed to cherish at one time is not difficult to understand once you realize that people are mere objects to the Narcissist.

The more I know N's the more I like my dog...

Click on the title link for a video that will remind you that there is authentic love in this world. :D

A Thanksgiving Letter to Ex's Son

During my time with my ex I was blessed to spend time with a remarkable boy, his son (LD).

Over the course of our tumultuous ending, which included three breakups and reconciliations, my ex lied to his son about what was going on in order to "protect him." The first lie was that I had left to take care of my sick father, who is perfectly healthy. The last lie was that I left because I wanted to fulfill my dream of living in Arizona. The first lie, though shameful, was less shameful because at least the child could reason that I have an obligation to my father. The second implies that I abandoned both of them on a whim simply to satisfy my own desires. Not only will this not fit with the child's experience of me, but it will leave him feeling valueless (but of course in actuality he is to an N.) LD's mother (O) agrees that this was totally inappropriate and has spoken with her son about why I left. But now her son must struggle with deciding which version is true. Should he believe his father (the hero's) version or his mother's account. I decided to draft a letter to my little friend to try to explain, in eight year old terms, why I left and to let him know how I feel.

After considering my first draft O decided that she wasn't comfortable with my telling LD that his father made me feel stupid and ugly. Her point was that this should be about saying goodbye to her son and not taking a jab at his father and that the child would have no recourse with the negative feelings that my admission would bring up for him. I counter that the letter is about saying goodbye, but it is also about countering a lie and validating my experience with the my ex's family, which the child was a part of.

O----- and I discussed it again and I drafted a second letter. It follows and what LD will see:
***********************************************************************************

The day before Thanksgiving 2008

Dear LD,

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I've been thinking a lot about you. Actually I think a lot about you every day. I miss you so much! I hope that you're doing well and have a super Thanksgiving!

I wish I could be there with you. I really want to. For Thanksgiving I want to tell you how thankful I am to know you and how much I wish I could still be a part of your family. It was my greatest dream to always be in your family. It became the most important thing in my life! That's why I left Pennsylvania. I wanted to be Lady P. :)

I'll bet you've figured out by now that things happen with grown ups that don't make a lot of sense and seem stupid. I mean, you're probably asking yourself, "If Laura wanted to stay and be a part of our family why isn't she here?" And that's a good question! The answer is, I don't know. It's one of those grown-up things that get called "issues." Your Dad and I had "issues." I couldn't live with him any more because I don't like the way he makes me feel about myself. It was very, very hard for me to leave, but sometimes we have to do what's best for ourselves even when it's really hard. I want you to know that I loved your Dad very much, and that I will always love you!

I am very sad that I won't be able to spend as much time with you. I will miss skiing, bike riding and playing games with you. But I will be in touch as you grow up and I will be thinking of you every day. I hope you can come visit me sometime in Tucson. We can go mountain biking and hiking with Emily. I think she misses you as much as I do.

I will be sending Armrest with his new tongues soon! :D

Laura (Medium Dude)

Co-dependence versus Co-Narcissism

Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic
Parents
Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
Abstract
This article introduces the term “conarcissism”
to refer to the way that people
accommodate to narcissistic parents. I use
the term narcissism here to refer to people
with very low self-esteem who attempt to
control others’ views of them for defensive
purposes. They are interpersonally rigid,
easily offended, self-absorbed, blaming, and
find it difficult to empathize with others. Conarcissistic
people, as a result of their
attempts to get along with their narcissistic
parents, work hard to please others, defer to
other’s opinions, worry about how others
think and feel about them, are often
depressed or anxious, find it hard to know
their own views and experience, and take the
blame for interpersonal problems. They fear
being considered selfish if they act
assertively. A high proportion of
psychotherapy patients are co-narcissistic.
The article discusses the co-narcissistic
syndrome and its treatment, and gives case
examples of patients who suffer from this
problem.

**********

One of the many insights I've recently had is that neither the clinical or layperson's notion of Co-Dependence captures the relationship between an N and his victim. Co-Dependents are enablers. They enable an addict. They are pleasers, who learn to walk on egg-shells and help in ANY way they can. Although Co-Narcissists are also helpful pleasers with egg stepping acumen, the dynamics between a Co-Dependent and an addict and a Co-Narcissist and an N are much more convoluted and complex for the simple reason that in order to satisfy his addiction an alcoholic or drug addict does not have to dismantle or devalue his martini or syringe. But in order to get a continuous supply of positive NS an N must dismantle his source. He must render her compliant and malleable. He is like a sculpture (ironically my ex is a fairly talented sculptor!) and his victim is seen as a lump of clay. This is why sources of NS are interchangeable.

Co-Narcissists are often the children of N parents. My mother was a Narcissist and in retrospect it's very easy to see how ripe I was for N picking. My ex was able to push every button my mother installed on me. My mother was very critical and watched over me constantly, waiting for me to make a mistake so she could "correct" me. N's love to "teach" and "correct". It puffs up the False Self in two ways. First it makes them feel valuable and charitable to have an underling and second it demeans those being corrected. Demeaning your VoN keeps the N elevated. My ex hovered over me in exactly the same way that my mother did. And, he hovers over his own son in that way as well. I've run interference for his son on many occasions when my ex was trying to "correct" or "help" him, but was really doing nothing more than criticizing and disabling him.

This blog's link goes to a PDF article about children of N's. There are a number of books out there on this topic, but none specifically discuss Co-Narcissism. The article linked here is the only substantial reference I've found on this topic so far, but I hope more will be written in the future. Please contact me if you know of any other articles on this specific topic.

Welcome to my VoN Recovery Page

The following excerpt is a succinct introduction to the stages that a victim of Narcissist goes through. It is by self-proclaimed Narcissist, Sam Vaknin. While Mr. Vaknin is a topic of much controversy, his work "Malignant Self Love" is nevertheless widely recognized as one of the seminal works on this topic. It is my greatest hope that all of us who have survived Narcissistic abuse find a way to recover and heal. That the Narcissist exits our lives both physically and emotionally. - Laura

At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream come true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realization. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings - the most total form of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die - we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has 4 phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him.

Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them - however threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions.

This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who enjoys mind games and to play with people's lives, or part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed - imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the more healthy end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss - the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. It can be focused and directed at the narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss - such as the narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself - which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide.

Or, it can be diffuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existentialist angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralyzing sensation which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the gray veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, in the whole, the narcissist is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal. The narcissist is gone.

(Sam Vaknin)