Destruction...

Philosophers are often concerned with the "essence" of a thing. That is to ask, what is it about something that makes it that particular thing. Further, how much can that thing be changed before it is no longer itself?

I've been thinking about this question in terms of my own being and if my ex-N destroyed my essence. To put it another way, did my ex-N change enough of my attributes to make me indistinguishable from what I was?

I miss who I was, Sabum Nim Laura Kamienski. My life was whole. I was able to have a positive impact on the lives of women and girls through my work and my studies, in an extraordinary way. If it is true that sociopaths seek to destroy strength and goodness, I wonder if these very qualities made me more prone to be his target. Did he want to destroy the leader that I had become? But more importantly, am I still a leader? If so, of who/what? What was it that was lost in me? What qualities? In what order did I lose them? How did he destroy them? Are they retrievable?

When I was Sabum Nim I stood tall. I had energy. I was strong! My strength was both physical and emotional. I had integrity.

Sociopaths get something out of the destruction of another. But ironcally their method of destruction is disguised in a kind of creation. In their molding (manipulation) of their victims they are creating a new being. From the outside this seems like a positive, or at the very least a harmless, action. But what is lost is the fact that in order to create the person the they desire the old one must first be destroyed. What power! What control!

So, what am I now? Who am I? Am I Sabum Nim? No. I am no longer that woman. A woman that truly liked and admired. Now, I am the survivor of a sociopath struggling each day to again become someone I like and admire. But even though he stripped so many qualities that made me admirable, my essence is in tact. It is that tiny shining light I try to focus on. The part of me that enabled me to become Sabum Nim and will again enable me to become a woman I like and admire.

This is the journey of the survivor...

Love and hugs, Laura

"Mild" sociopath = Covert sociopath - No less dangerous!

The following is an excerpt from an excellent article on lovefraud.com that clearly articulates the mistake that so many of us make... to believe that a sociopath is somehow "mild" who does not commit overt violence. I believe that the covert sociopaths actually do more damage in the long run for two reasons: First they are far less detectable and second, they commit no "illegal" acts.

Love and hugs, Laura

Learning to identify people with “covert” psychopathic traits in the “wild” is much more difficult than identifying “overtly dangerous” people with psychopathic traits, since most of the people who are “overtly dangerous” will swagger around “looking like a thug” and wanting to impress you with their potential for violence. It is sort of like the difference between the pit bull dog who bares his teeth and growls, versus the dog that quietly sneaks up behind you and sinks his teeth into your calf without any warning growl.

In either case, the best test of either the overt or the covert psychopath is their behavior, rather than what they say. If you observe someone do something (anything) to another person that you deem unjustified, ugly, nasty, hateful, revengeful, etc., then you should be very careful around that person and be watchful of them.

A friend of mine who was a dean of students at a prestigious college was literally sexually attacked by one of her fellow vice-presidents of that college; fortunately she was able to get away from him. Six months later, though, when he was appointed the new college president, his first act was to fire her. She hadn’t seen it coming. She was not only devastated, but was shocked and surprised. She shouldn’t have been. She had been warned that this man was a psychopath by his drunken sexual attack, but she kept her mouth shut at that time rather than “cause a stir.” Later, her silence at the time of the attack cost her her job.

The covert psychopaths count on people being “peace keepers” and keeping their mouths shut about observed bad behavior. They also count on “small” instances of bad behavior being over looked, even though these “minor” transgressions of “niceness” add up to a large mountain of bad behavior over the long haul.

Another thing that is against our being validated when we observe and “label” these instances of psychopathic behavior is the lack of validation we get from others who also know this person, but are not nearly as aware of what it “means” as we (former victims) are. They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John” or “Well, he probably didn’t mean it that way” or “Oh, just get along and play nice.”

The covert psychopath may not be physically violent at all, but instead, may only engage in emotional and mental abuse of his/her victims by demeaning and degrading them with subtle put downs. The covert psychopath may also do financial or career damage to their targets, and a covert smear campaign against a co-worker or boss can destroy a career or a reputation.

No understandable motive

Because we, many times, fail to see a “motive” that we can understand for the behavior of the covert psychopath, it makes it difficult for us (and others) to believe that “s/he would do that,” because we cannot see what s/he would gain. Unfortunately, many times the “motive” of the psychopath is the same answer as the mountain climber gave for climbing a very difficult peak, “Just because it’s there and I wanted to prove I could do it.”

It might be fairly easy, you would think, to spot the “overt bad boys” by going to a “bad part of town” or “gang turf” and looking at the guys swaggering in and out of bars or selling drugs on the street and say “that guy acts like a psychopath,” and you might even be right in your assessment, but maybe not. But you can’t be sure you are not dealing with a psychopath at a debutante ball, or a civic meeting, or a political rally, a church group, or a business meeting either, because the fact that people there are cleaner, better educated and dress nicer doesn’t make them less apt to be a psychopath.

My sperm donor used to tell the press that he was “eccentric” and “the reason he was ‘eccentric,’ instead of ‘crazy’ was because he was rich!” Unfortunately, I think in many ways he was right, as people who are in a powerful position because of fame, money or other reasons, seem to be allowed more range in the behavior that is considered “acceptable” than those of us who are not so rich or powerful. Their power over other’s lives, finances, and emotions I think is what feeds their egos and their sense of entitlement to “control” others. Those of the human race who are not high in psychopathic and narcissistic traits don’t usually consider “control over others” to be a stand-alone motive to use, abuse and manipulate other’s lives for their own joy. That being said, it is difficult for us to see this as a viable motive in others who do have the psychopathic traits.

Is effective revenge possible? Not really... but

Of course when you reach the anger stage you begin to wonder what sort of revenge is possible against a sociopath and you begin to realize that almost everything you can think of would provide him with an invaluable source of narcissistic supply.

I was thinking a lot about whether anything could cause my ex pain and I finally settled on his disfigurement. After all what else but his own inability to gather NS could cause him any more pain than he's already in.

I discussed these feeling with my closest friend and he reminded me of a scene from the film "Princess Bride" (1987) in which the hero (Westly) is confronting his enemy (Prince Humperdinck - who is clearly a sociopath) and says to him,

Westly: "To the pain," means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . .

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.

Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain"means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.

Love and hugs, Laura

The background noise... living with the aftermath

It makes me so sad (and angry) to know that I have such a long road of healing ahead, but I keep trying to take my life back one bit at a time.

At this point it all feels like background noise. Behind every thought, every feeling, every sensation is him, his voice, his touch, his demands, his deceit. There's nothing that isn't tainted with him. I'm thousands of miles away and in no danger of ever hearing from him again, but I still wonder, "Will I?"

I still love what I thought was him... what seemed so real... what seemed like the first time I'd ever known real intimacy. But I hate him for making me love an illusion more than I loved myself. For turning me into someone who so thoughtlessly gave up everything and everyone I ever loved and who ever loved me in favor of his 'love'.

Right now I have absolutely everything I ever wanted in life. EVERYTHING... I'm living where I've always wanted to live, with a beautiful man who truly loves me and two amazing dogs, with the worlds best singletrack and three of the best mountain bikes ever made and I still have this background noise of sadness.

It's like living with arthritis... pain all the time... yet you still keep going.

A final letter for my ex...

On several occasions my therapist has recommended that I write a letter to my ex. One that he'll never see, but which allows me to say everything I want and need to say to him. This is a common therapeutic practice that I have resisted until lately. I've been seriously thinking about it for a about a month now. I actually sat down a couple of times to write it expecting a long diatribe of furious epithets and pitiful sorrow. But after several attempts and staring for hours at a blank screen, what I've finally settled on not only surprises me, but IS also surprisingly liberating.

My final letter to my ex would read as follows:

Dear ***,

I know what you are.

Laura

The Narcissist’s Commandments

You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.

You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).

You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.

You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.

You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.

You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.

You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).

You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.

You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.