Choices and Free Will: A Letter to my ex N/S's exwife

The following was written to my exN/S's ex-wife as part of an ongoing discussion. I have removed identifying information for her (and her son's protection). I'm posting it here because I think it may be useful to fellow travelers. Love and Hugs, Laura

Hi,

Glad you and "your son" liked the card. Seeing cactus decorated in lights is really odd (and beautiful!) I realized this will be the first winter of my life that I most likely won’t wake up to a blanket of snow and I’m surprised and a little sad about that to tell you the truth.

I’m glad all my hard work has given you some new insights and coping tools. .I am moving forward with the help of very knowledgeable experts, who all agree you simply can’t just will your mind to recover from a pathological relationship. It’s not simply a choice. The trauma pathologicals inflict on their victims, including you and your son, creates a specific kind of neuro pathway that has to be torn down and rebuilt in order to heal. That does require a kind of reprogramming by way of positive thinking and focusing elsewhere, but it requires much more. Refocusing alone isn’t enough. Further, it can’t be accomplished while you’re still in the grips of a pathological. If you’ve watched I Psychopath – think about his wife. She thinks she’s coping well. Is she? If you listen to her she’s reframed EVERYTHING… She goes so far to claim that she actually DOESN’T NEED LOVE!!!! Coping is not healing.

I know that all of your advice comes from a place of love AND from understanding and experience. But the more I think about it the more I realize that, in most ways, I'm miles ahead of you in the healing process because I'm not in the web and am no longer being victimized. No matter how you frame it you will continue to be victimized as long as you choose to engage with him. Our experiences necessarily overlap, but I’ve come to realize that while you lost the fantasy life that was It (D.I) and continue to give up so much because of It (A.I), I gave up more in terms of my life before it (BI). BI I had extremely high self esteem, a successful business, money, a network of friends I could bank my old age on, a career and was doing well in school. I lost it all. We can talk about accountability all day long, and yes I chose to go out on the first date with It, but no matter how much I want to reframe it and “take ownership” It methodically stripped away everything I had built up little by little. Yes, I’ve learned why I was attracted to It and can better avoid getting trapped again, but It stole my life from me, forcefully and deliberately, just as It continues to hold yours hostage.

Though they would support you, I don’t believe any of the psychologists or therapists I been in contact with or read would advise to keep allowing what you are allowing. While you’ve found ways to cope (just like Vaknin’s wife has) you will never be able to heal and have healthy relationships while you are still Mrs. It because, for all intents and purposes you are still It’s wife. The only thing missing is sex and a common house. Case in point, you spend every major holiday with It and GrandIt instead of with people who genuinely love you and your son. And you KNOW they don't and CANT love either of you. They are wholly incapable of it. I know for a fact that It thinks of you as his wife that he generously "shared" with me. No matter how you rationalize it your son is being harmed with every exposure to It and GrandIt. Yes you do great damage control, but he, and you, are still being damaged. The damage It does to your son simply isn’t worth any amount of ski lessons, camping trips, or financial bling. It is incapable of bonding with your son. He, like you and I, is simply a possession. It has bonded as much with It's car and skis. How is your son going to feel when he realizes the truth?

On the surface, as does everything about It, it looks fine. But there is nothing normal or appropriately parental about this man. This is a man who (along with countless other abuses) twice had sex with me in a motel room with your son in the next bed, yet to the outside world It moralized about not wanting your son to get the wrong idea about our being in a relationship. Hell It even drove me to (and paid for! :0) a motel a couple of months earlier rather than let me camp out BEHIND CLOSED DOORS in It’s bedroom with It while GrandIt was there. You can think that was an anomaly in my relationship with It, but ALL women It will be with will eventually 'allow' inappropriate behavior. If they don’t, they won't be with It for long. And inappropriate behavior and abuse will happen (and I suspect worsen over time) whether It is in a relationship or not. You’ll just be less likely to hear about it. In addition to skiing your son is learning how to treat women and manipulation techniques. He’s learning that while his Mom demands a modicum of respect she also cow tows and bends to a sociopath’s will. My choices landed me in a sorry state, which I’m crawling out of, but your "choices" are destroying your son and your life even with the damage control you struggle to maintain.

You often ask me to give you sources of advice for others who are in pathological relationships because I HAVE become a kind of expert on the subject. Your advice to me a year ago was to RUN and don’t look back. It’s my advice to you now, and no matter how you rationalize it being better for your son, it isn’t! You are choosing to stay in a damaging and destructive pathological relationship. Do you honestly think you are freely making choices now? It may feel like it, but it isn’t. It REALLY felt like I was freely moving to NY (and It repeatedly, and loudly insisted it WASN’T because of him) but the choice really wasn’t mine alone. I know that because I DID FREELY choose to move to Tucson which felt and feels very different. I regret nothing. The so-called "choices" I made to be with It left me with nothing and regretting everything. Do you really think you’re free? How will you choose to spend your next holiday? Will P*** (or any man) ever be allowed openly in your life? One thing I’ve learned is that when you’re caught in the pathological web, it is impossible not to acquire a skewed view of the world and take on some of their pathology. I’ve never said this before, but when you talk about the reasons for your choices you sound remarkably like It and GrandIt.

Because of my background and my writing skills I am in a unique position to help other survivors. Doing psychopathy education is an extremely healthy outlet for me. I believe this will especially be true once I’m a bit more recovered. It isn’t focusing on It. It’s focusing on my, and other survivors’ recovery, and prevention. Instead of letting It know that I know what It is… which I needed to do, and did, I choose to expose It to the world. That’s what takes away It’s power. Letting It know that you know what It is while allowing It to stay under the radar and manipulate you and your life doesn’t take away any of It’s power. In fact in some senses it gives It MORE power, i.e. “look, see she knows what I am and loves me and allows it anyway.” And yes It thinks you love It. And It knows you’re afraid to expose It and that It forces you to make choices that enable It’s abuse.

At least once a week a new survivor finds my blog and tells me how helpful it is for them. It has you so controlled you won't risk "coming out" under the guise of 'they won't listen’ or ‘I'll be punished". I’ve learned that they will listen. Maybe not right away, but eventually. Hell one of It’s victims even scheduled an appointment with you! She WANTED to know, but didn’t know what questions to ask! I care more about keeping them safe than I do about what It thinks. One who is not in It’s web cannot be punished. Doesn't your son have a right to know what his father is? And how he destroys people? Don't you wish someone had told you your mother was incapable of really loving you and it's not your fault? I do!! I wish someone would have protected me. Your son is suffering from a huge delusion that his father loves him. What happens when he learns that’s a big fat lie.

What are you really focusing on? Not just in your head, but in your actions? Your life? Your career? Your emotional health and well being? Nurturing genuine loving relationships for yourself and your son? Or is your life consumed with compromises damage control manipulation deceit and pain? Lots and lots of moms have escaped less abusive situations under much much harder circumstances. You can make a choice now. I know we disagree on this, but the fact that It is genetically related to your son is not a good enough reason to be held hostage. And you both are. Think Stockholm Syndrome.

After my retreat I expect to have gained enough tools to take a few more (and bigger) steps forward toward emotional freedom. You’re right. I am strong enough given the right tools. And you are too. But it can't be done while you’re still caught in the web. Run! Run for your and your son's life! Run!!!!! You are strong enough. You can do it!

With love and respect,

l-

p.s. I’m ccing my therapist with this (your notes are deleted) and I’m going to post an edited version of this letter on my blog. I think others might find it useful.