How to Spot a Narcissist - Great video from the Huffington Post

"Narcissists are experts at impression management management. We rate them as more intelligent, as more attractive, more charismatic. At least for a little while, until their charm starts to wear off....they're really good at working with what they have because they practice it all of the time."  Dr. Craig Malkin - Professor of Psychology Harvard Medical School

Survivors and experts speak up on relationships with narcissists. 



How to Spot a Narcissist - Huffington Post Video.


Love and hugs,
Laura

Revisiting It1: Lessons Not Learned After the First Go Around

After writing my last post I decided to read some of the posts I wrote after It1 to see just how much I missed after the first go around. I'm reposting one of the here because the similarities are striking. I could have written this post now, about It2 with the same accuracy.

November 29, 2008

Bait and Switch - Excerpt from Narcisstic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

When the N meets a new woman, a woman who appears to possess admirable characteristics he desires, he is immediately drawn to her with the magical thinking that she could be "the one."

In the beginning of their relationship, the N sees strengths and qualities in his partner he wishes to possess, so he immediately tries to convince her that they are meant to be together. His acute fear of abandonment intensifies his desire so he often rushes into things others would avoid in the early stages of relationships. He may tell his partner he is in love with her within weeks of meeting her. His need to secure the relationship and avoid abandonment drives him to become possessive, even with his partners things. He may refer to her house as "home," or say "our car" instead of "your car." By establishing ownership right away, he feels he is securing his catch and decreasing his chance of being deserted. Ironically, when things go awry in the relationship, the N doesn't have an issue with abandonment, as he usually bolts, without looking back.

His disorder dictates motivation, but he actually has the ability to refrain from acting upon that motivation. ...

...Those victimized often come to believe that an N is simply an insensitive player who takes what he wants and then discards it when he no longer has use for it. Convincing an N of this is much more difficult. His reality is warped and he actually views himself as the victim. In his distorted way of thinking, he has to suffer through many imperfect relationships and deal with insecure, clingy women who often "stalk" him after their relationships end, all because he is trying to find true love. Life seems so unfair to the N. He doesn't realize that his fear of abandonment, coupled with his fear of commitment, creates pain and insecurity in his partners. He is clueless to the fact that his lies and inconsistencies are what bring about the lack of trust in his relationships. Many times the N actually believes the narratives he spins for himself are true; therefore, his lies become his reality.

Because the N appears sincere, generous and giving in the beginning of his relationship, he convinces his charmed partner that he believes he's found the perfect mate. She believes that she is the answer to his prayers and gets caught up in the euphoria of ideal love. She relaxes and begins to cultivate a relationship with him.

The fear of abandonment which we spoke of earlier causes the N to secure his relationship by charming or convincing his partner that she is "the one." Once she buys into his ardent affirmations, she commits herself to the relationship with him. The N's fear of commitment causes him to back away at this stage. The hunt, the chase, and the manipulation are the "highs" for the N. The possibility that someone as special as his partner could want him is what drives him to gain her possession. Once he has her, however, he convinces himself that she must be flawed to want someone like him and begins to notice things about her that weren't as obvious in the beginning of their relationship. However, when something goes wrong, the relationship is no longer "ideal" to the N. Once flawed, the relationship loses value to him.

Ironically the very things that attracted him to his partner initially have become the things that repulse him once she commits to him. What he has seen as strong independence morphs into stubborn pride. What he viewed as impressive organizational skills become anal retentiveness. He justifies his initial blindness to her flaws by convincing himself that he had been in a vulnerable state of mind when he met her or that he allowed his physical attraction to he cloud his judgment. He feels embarrassed that he could have mistaken his attraction to her for his ideal partner, but he rationalizes that his weakened emotional state could have caused him confusion.

As the relationship begins to deteriorate (in his mind), the N plans his escape. He feels no empathy for his partner and now sees her as the "bad guy." She doesn't "get" him (he doesn't see how his inconsistencies in behavior could leave anyone with a lack of understanding.) She is too needy (he is unaware that he actually caused her insecurities by continuously pulling away from her.) She is more concerned with her needs than his (how dare anyone have a life outside of catering to an N?). By staying with a flawed, self-serving, insecure, distrusting person, the N would be compromising his "integrity." He would feel smothered, overwhelmed and victimized. He would feel as if he were giving up any chance of ever finding his ideal love. Since he ultimately puts himself and his needs first, the N doesn't hesitate to save himself from what he sees as a tortuous existence, and flees...

...Material possessions, souvenirs from partners, people who have served as "good supply," music that reminds him of positive moments in his life and trophies representing achievements or accomplishments are all kept by the N as sources of secondary narcissistic supply. His efforts to discard and forget all sources of negative supply are equally as ardent as his efforts to hang onto the positive reminders. His ability to discard people he seemed to cherish at one time is not difficult to understand once you realize that people are mere objects to the Narcissist.

Responsibility V Blame: Taking Back Our Selves

Yesterday I went to the court house to file a complaint against It2. He is in possession of upward of $2,500.00 worth of my property and owes me money for two loans I made to him. I spent a great deal of time with my therapist discussing my motives for needing to do this. There is no doubt that the inconvenience I may cause him is satisfying to some extent. But the primary reason I chose to do this is for my own self-respect.

These creatures are masters at Love Bombing, Future Faking and Fast Forwarding manipulation. We come out on the other side wondering how we've lost so much of ourselves and our lives to these people. My action is about me doing everything I can to recoup who I am and what I've lost. I am rebuilding my life now, and will continue to do so no matter what the outcome of the hearing is. Getting my stuff and money back would be great, but knowing that I stood up for myself to a man who once tried to controll my every move, thought and feeling is the biggest factor in my decision to take this on.

Before I filed the complaint I spoke with an attorney who advised that I first try every other means to collect my things and my money. I tried calling, texting and e-mailing It2 with no success. I finally went to a public place where I knew he'd be and asked nicely to talk about the matter. His response was a flat refusal to speak with me. That intense stare that I once saw as true love was terrifyingly empty. He asked what I was doing there. I replied I came to see him, to get closure and collect my things. He tediously answered that it wasn't a good time. It was never a good time with him. NEVER! I asked when a good time would be. He walked away. At this point I was angry and went outside with him and let him know exactly how I was feeling. He still refused to speak with me.

The attorney subsequently advised me to then send a certified letter notifying It2 of my intention to file a complaint if he didn't return my property to me. I did this and waited an appropriate amount of time before filing.

It2 told me on a number of occasions that he had been "stalked" by several of his exes in the past. At the time I found myself feeling sorry for him and wondering why he had been with so many women who would behave like this. What I should have felt was fear! This was one of the many red flags I missed and or ignored. Out of context, my behavior with him when he refused to speak with me could be construed as inappropriate.

But ask yourself this question?

A man has a pattern of being confronted by his exes. Who is the common denominator in this equation and what possible reasons might we have for confronting him.

I have absolutely no desire to ever see this man again. If I have to see him in court so be it. It's a price I'll pay to recoup some of my losses. But the biggest loss is, by far, the loss of my self-respect. So even if it turns out that I don't get my property or money back, the simple knowledge that I've done everything that I could do to stand up for myself is well worth it.

One of the things I'm working on is taking responsibility for what happened with the Its. My inability to do this in the past is what left me vulnerable to It2. There is no excuse for the way these men treated me, but I now understand that I am responsible for getting involved with them in the first place, or at least for not running at the first sign of abuse. This does not mean that any of what happened to me is my fault! What it means is that there is something in me that is attracted to and by these men. It is up to me to figure out why that is and how to change it. I am determined to do this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the questions of responsibility and blame. Let's start with basic definitions.

re·spon·si·bil·i·ty

• the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management.

blame:

• to hold responsible; find fault with; censure: 

• responsibility for anything deserving of censure: e.g., we must all share the blame for this deplorable condition.

Obviously these words are inextricably connected, but there is an important difference. Blame carries with it censure or reproof. It is a passive state whereby one is in a position of being justly punished for something. Responsibility is active, it is empowering. It does not hold any connotation of censure, reproof or deserved punishment.

In the case of victimization by an Npath, censure (and punishment) is definitely warranted for the victimizer. His actions are deliberate and malicious with the intent of self gain and harm toward another. The victim is in no way acting to harm or hurt another. She is above reproach. However, she is responsible (accountable) for allowing this kind of victimization to begin or continue. Once she accepts this responsibility it becomes easier for her to avoid future victimization.

These are tricky distinctions because they can lead down a slippery slope of victim blaming. For example, when I taught self defense, I used the following analogy to expose how victims of rape and domestic violence are often blamed. Imagine the following scenario written in 1975.

*****

The Rape of Mr Smith

“Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of 16th and Locust?”

“Yes.”
 

“Did you struggle with the robber?”
 

“No.”
 

“Why not?”
 

“He was armed.”
 

“Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than to resist?”
 

“Yes.”
 

“Did you scream? Cry out?”
 

“No. I was afraid.”
 

“I see. Have you ever been held up before?”
 

“No.”
 

“Have you ever given money away?”
 

“Yes, of course–”
 

“And did you do so willingly?”
 

“What are you getting at?”
 

“Well, let’s put it like this, Mr. Smith. You’ve given away money in the past–in fact, you have quite a 

reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you weren’t contriving to have your money 

 taken from you by force?”
 

“Listen, if I wanted–”
 

“Never mind. What time did this holdup take place, Mr. Smith?”
 

“About 11 p.m.”
 

“You were out on the streets at 11 p.m.? Doing what?”
 

“Just walking.”
 

“Just walking? You know it’s dangerous being out on the street that late at night. Weren’t you aware that you could have been held up?”
 

“I hadn’t thought about it.”
 

“What were you wearing at the time, Mr. Smith?”
 

“Let’s see. A suit. Yes, a suit.”
 

“An expensive suit?”
 

“Well–yes.”
 

“In other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking around the streets late at night in a suit that practically advertised the fact that you might be a good target for some easy money, isn’t that so? I mean, if we didn’t know better, Mr. Smith, we might even think you were asking for this to happen, mightn’t we?”
 

“Look, can’t we talk about the past history of the guy who did this to me?”
 

“I’m afraid not, Mr. Smith. I don’t think you would want to violate his rights, now, would you?”  

*****

I have experienced this sort of blaming from mutual friends of It2. While I understand that their motivation is to help me take responsibility for ignoring red flags and normalizing abusive behavior, their criticism often slides down this slippery slope. It is damaging to victims of abuse. But not taking responsibility leaves us in a passive state of weakness. To take responsibility is to empower ourselves.

Wrapping my head around the difference between responsibility and blame has been difficult and I'm not sure I'm completely there yet. But I do know that until I was able to  even look at my role in my experiences I was never really on the path to healing.

Love and hugs,
Laura

From "The Ability to Love" Blog - After The Psychopath: From Victim To Survivor- You Are Not What You Once Were

Another great article about responsibility from The Ability to Love blog.

After The Psychopath: From Victim To Survivor- 

You Are Not What You Once Were

True Recovery Is About Cleaning Up You Own Mess - AMEN!!!

An extremely important article from one of tne of the best blogs I've found on recovering from a relationship with a narcissist or other emotionally unavailable partner.

True Recovery From The Psychopath Is NOT Just About Your “Good” Qualities

AMEN!!! Love and hugs, Laura

Sponge Bob Boundary Pants - The Relationship Between Setting Boundaries and Self Esteem

A large portion of my self defense class for women focused on self esteem and boundaries. In the process of developing my workshops I did a great deal of research on how to set boundaries. You would think that since I can teach these skills, I would also be able to practice them.

During my relationship with my It2 what I saw as my needs, values, and desires became blurrier and blurrier. This was also the case with It. I find myself asking how that happened. How does someone so well educated and skilled in boundary setting allow her boundaries to be repeatedly broken down and crossed. I’m still not sure exactly how it happens. What I do know is that it is a gradual and insidious process. I also know that it requires two things; someone selfish enough to want to cross them and someone whose boundaries are unclear and porous to begin with.

It’s one thing to state the requirement that a healthy relationship must include self-esteem and boundaries. It’s another thing to explore and understand the relationship between them. I realize that what I was teaching (or at least what I was learning) when I taught self defense was a set of skills (setting boundaries) that weren’t backed up by an essential component (self-esteem.) I don’t think this is a flaw in my course curriculum. I don’t believe you can teach self-esteem. But if it’s missing, no amount of  boundary setting will protect you from emotional abuse when you are involved with someone who doesn’t value you.

Boundaries are based on a set of pre-conceived values, desires, needs and beliefs. We all have them. It serves us to think carefully about them and decide exactly what we’re willing to accept and not accept in terms of relationships with others. But even if we formulate a list of boundaries that appear to be self-loving and self-protective, if we actually don’t love ourselves they become meaningless.

Think of it this way...

Let’s imagine that your emotional self resembles a vessel, like a cup or a bowl. The outer shell of this vessel serves as a wall of protection and is lined with your beliefs, needs, desires and values. How well this wall serves you will entirely depend on what it’s made of, which depends entirely on your level of self-esteem. If you have a strong and healthy self esteem the wall will be like a strong, but flexible, plastic. It will be able to protect your emotional self while not being so rigid (materials that are too rigid crack and break under stress) to keep all that approach it out. If you have no self esteem, your beliefs, needs, desires and values stand exposed and completely vulnerable. Most people’s vessels are somewhere in the middle. If yours is closer to the flexible plastic side, you have not only the skills to protect your emotional self, but  also the necessary armor as well.

So what happens when someone like It or It2 meets up with a healthy vessel. Pretty much nothing. Their attempts at crossing the wall will be quickly spotted and thwarted. But, consider what happens if your vessel is made of sponge. Inside your vessel of sponge, your emotional self starts as pure, clean spring water. On the surface the vessel looks solid and and protective. But it is porous. Eventually the clean water seeps out and dirty abusive water is able to seep in. The two become mixed up and murky. What was once pure clean spring water is now contaminated. Your boundaries have been broken down and violated. This is how it happens, sometimes so gradually you don’t even notice. Well at least not consciously! But you DO feel it! Whether or not you recognize these feelings and what you do about them is another story.

Over the course of my relationship with It2 I became increasingly confused and depressed as he withdrew and began to devalue, demean and dismiss me. Natalie Lue talks a great deal about Future Faking, which is exactly what I experienced. In the beginning I was told that “I was sent to him by God”. He introduced me to people in his community as his wife. He talked about apartments and future plans. The amount and quality of attention and adoration I received was mind (and heart) boggling. But once I was in with both feet, all of a sudden I was accused of rushing the relationship and being too “needy.” This is what Natalie Lue refers to as “Blowing Hot and Cold”. This behavior is (consciously or unconsciously) designed to keep you off balance and is a subtle method of control forcing you into the role of pursuer.

Mixed messages create muddy water that seeps through a sponge barrier, blinding you in muck. What did I do wrong? Why has it changed? Where did he go? Now it’s a quest to please him. To get back what you’ve already lost, and really never had in the first place. You are less able to see your own boundaries through the murky water. The sponge itself becomes clogged with negativity. Your self esteem plummets.

The last interaction I had with It2 was very revealing. One of my most well considered and very conscious boundaries is that I do not, and will not have what most people refer to as casual sex. I’m not making any judgments about those who enjoy it. It’s just not in my make up or ken. For me sex is one of the deepest expressions of myself, which I reserve for someone I am wholly in love with. I articulated this boundary clearly to It2 on several occasions in different contexts. This man is a self professed player whose history is devoid of a single healthy long term relationship, but I ignored this. It was clear then that this isn’t a value we share, but I ignored this too.



As an aside, these people do try to tell you the truth in very subtle ways. You have to be able to listen between the words and value actions more than promises. But once you’re hooked a kind of selective hearing sets in and you only hear and see what they first showed you. They can’t keep the mask on in a one on one relationship for long. The truth seeps out, and into your sponge. But by that time your blinders are up.

During the last month or so of our relationship I caught myself thinking that I was feeling more like a booty call than a girlfriend. I should have trusted those feelings. They were in fact very accurate.

My last communication with It2 was a text (his only method of communicating anything deeper than the latest basketball scores) informed me that he no longer wanted to have a “one on one” relationship with me. That it was just too intense (read, I was asking to be valued) and that a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship was out of the question. However, he would be interested in seeing me for “fun and intimacy.”  Given that he was fully aware of the importance of my boundary, there is simply no way to conceive of this other than a carefully targeted attack. Remember that emotionally unavailable people will continually test and push to see what you’re willing to put up with. Like a sparring match, they wait for openings and look for weaknesses to determine strategy.

  

You have exchanged the 'girlfriend' role for the booty call one. Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion! Natalie Lue

I thanked him for being honest (finally), but said that being demoted to his booty call doesn’t align with my values or self esteem. Of course he denied any intention of disrespect and I’m quite sure he believes that.  As hard as it was (I did consider the possibility at first, thinking it might be a way to rekindle the relationship) and in spite of my overwhelming feelings for him, by refusing the demotion, I managed to retain this final boundary and with it what little self esteem I had left.

Love and hugs,

Laura

With Tremendous Pain Often Comes Tremendous Clarity - Filling the Hole in Me

It’s been over five years since I wrote my first posting on this blog. I have done a lot of processing and healing during that time. I thought I had gained sufficient understanding and clarity about what had happened to me to be able to avoid such a catastrophe again. But I was wrong.

In 2009 I wrote a post entitled "There is No Hole in Me" directed at O. In it I said:

"Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation."

This is true..... BUT.....

O was absolutely correct. There are holes in me. Holes that attract and enable emotionally unavailable people to exploit me. I fought O on this because it seemed like victim blaming to suggest that something about me had caused It to do to me what it did. 

This post is not about victim blaming. Nothing I did caused It to do what it did. People’s behaviors rest entirely on them. That said, I have come to realize that until we accept what it is about ourselves that makes us attracted to emotionally unavailable people (diagnostically pathological or not) and that drives us to allow these people so deeply into our lives and hearts we will continue to repeat the same pattern over and over again. This article is about the holes in me.

There is a plethora of information out there describing the red flags to look for in the beginning of a relationship. These lists give us a baseline of the common types of behaviors we can expect from people who are referred to by many names: emotionally unavailable, users, narcissistic, selfish, womanizer etc. All of them share a lack of empathy to some degree or other and a deep seated narcissistic selfishness. If we are able to spot these traits before we get too involved all the better, so these lists serve a useful purpose.

But what if we can’t spot them? What if the behaviors are so well disguised in the beginning that the are truly invisible? What if the man you’ve met and fallen in love with seems like the most healthy, mature and loving man you could hope for?

As useful and accurate as these lists are, they are also troublesome. While the behaviors of emotionally unavailable people do devolve to include most or all of the characteristics found in these lists, each one of these people has a unique history and personality that often disables us from recognizing red flags until it’s too late.

About a year ago I became deeply involved with a man who turned out to be yet another emotionally unavailable narcissist. With all of my knowledge and experience I had accumulated, I had to ask myself how it happened again.

While the details of what happened are important, for they reveal just how unique yet alike these people are, the purpose of this post is to look at the other side of it. Of course the red flags showed up one by one. But once again, I dismissed them one by one. So I was forced to ask what is it about me that blinds me from the red flags that are so clearly evident behind the masks of narcissism. And I know I’m not alone in this. I suggest it is a deep seated lack of self esteem and desire to fill up a hole in our cores that we have, for whatever reason, been unable to fill ourselves.

Not ironically, at the end of our relationship this man demanded that I not write a blog about him. Does he know he’s a user? Of course he does! He, like all narcissists protect their image of being a decent human being at all costs. The idea that he should be found out and written about is unacceptable. This post is for you It2.

In time I will be grateful for this relationship and the lessons that are unfolding. The biggest of these is that of acknowledging, accepting and working on what it is about me that drives me to want to be loved by men who are incapable of loving in any real way. What it is about me that makes me lose myself in them so completely that they are able to mold me into whatever it is they want. But be clear! The fact that there is something in me that enables and allows this does not excuse the fact that these people take advantage of it. It’s an attraction of gasoline and fire; an extremely powerful AND always explosive and destructive one.

I intend to write more about this as I sort through it and learn from it. For now, I’d like to point you to two sources that have helped me to begin understand my part in repeating patterns of unhealthy destructive relationships.

The first is the work of Susan Anderson.  

The second is the work of Natalie Lue at Baggage Reclaim

The ability to recognize abusive behavior is important and essential. But equally important is the ability to set and maintain self protective boundaries based on self esteem. These men are attracted to the holes in us because they know that they can pretend to fill them. We, in turn, are attracted to them because we so desperately want these holes to be filled. Until we learn to fill our own holes we will continue to be devastated by destructive relationships.

I hope these resources help you on your journey as much as they are helping me. I leave you with them for now.

Love and hugs,
Laura

Resurfacing Hope

Dear Fellow Travelers,

Since my last post I’ve heard from many of you who have expressed your gratitude and shared your stories with me. I too want to express my gratitude for all of your kind words and love. For those of you in the beginning stages of recovery, I emphasize that there IS HOPE.

O told me on many occasions that, “the best revenge is to live well.” My greatest wish for myself and all of you is that we are able to live well.

The dictionary defines revenge as: “to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindictive spirit.” Anger is an important part of healing. All of us have had fantasies of revenge for what we’ve gone through. These images, however always include some level of remorse from our ex-pathological, which is inherently impossible.

How many of us have asked ourselves, “How could I have done that?” “What was I doing?” “What was I thinking?” Lately when I think back to that time in my life it is more like thinking about another person, perhaps a friend or star in a tragic drama. I think, “That wasn’t me!” I’ve realized that those instincts are right on the mark. It truly wasn’t me. The shell of a woman that was his possession was the manifestation of his pathology. I was buried in an hypnotic trance, unable to surface. So, while I think that living well is the goal we all need to strive for, it is important to remember that living wholly and fully free from the grip of pathology isn't revenge so much as a gift to ourselves.

When we begin to understand that revenge against a pathological is impossible, and forgive the monster for behaving as he must -- as a monster -- it is then and only then that we can begin to live well. And perhaps our dismissal of our ex-pathological is, to whatever small degree, the only revenge we can exact on one without a conscience.

Healing is work, the hardest you’ll ever do. It is not something that happens spontaneously as in the case of a scrape or bruise. It requires a great deal of conscious effort, research and help. It is easy to become trapped in an identity of being his ex. It is HIS trap and his way of remaining in contact with you. Imagine that your ex-pathological has implanted a device in your soul that feeds on your pain and fears. In essence that’s what they do. It’s a way of staying connected with you even if you never see or hear from him again. The good news is that the device does have limitations and a life span. It malfunctions and becomes weaker every time we recognize that our pain and fear are his pleasure and reject them whole cloth. I still trigger on occasion. Perhaps it’s a song on the radio, a smell, or something I see that reminds me of him. The difference is that now, after a great deal of hard work, I am able to recognize triggers for what they are, thereby disabling them from feeding what’s left of my own implant. In fact, I have developed the ability to recognize it almost immediately and have caught myself laughing out loud while thinking, “Oh, there you are again! I know what you are!” Breaking contact with your ex-pathological means disabling his device. It’s an experience I hope all of you come to know.

I don’t think we ever totally get past what has happened to us, but I do believe we get to a place that our experiences take on a different light. One that feels more like a bad dream that has stuck with us for a long time. Who was that woman? Was she me? I believe that the woman I was with him was not me. Resurfacing is the final step toward living well. I am profoundly happy to say that Laura has resurfaced and the woman my ex-pathological created lives only in his dark and distorted psyche waiting to become his next victim. Of course I am different now. No one can experience being imprisoned in a pathological’s zombie and resurface as before. My world view has changed. My life has changed. But, my essence remains in tact and I am now able to recognize evil and appreciate goodness in ways I never could before. And perhaps I should thank my ex-pathological for that. :)

Love and hugs,
Laura

Okay.... One last post! :D

F.I.D.O. - My Surrender - Stage Six

Dear Fellow Travelers,

The time has finally come to make my last It Can Happen to Anyone blog entry. I have surrendered and have found peace.

It is impossible to put into words the leap of faith that brought me here, but it has a great deal to do with becoming fed up with feeling bad and turning back to the work of Eckhart Tolle, whose teachings were not coincidentally what got me through the hardest parts of my escape and recovery. My last recommendation to all of you is to read and listen to all of his teachings. Here's a taste:

One of the things I've come to understand through Tolle's teaching is that pathological people are pure unadulterated ego. Ego without the possibility of ever awakening to consciousness in their present form. They are not aware, in any meaningful sense of the word, of what they are doing to others. That is not to say they don't know what they're doing (they do!) but only in the realm of ego driven pathology. This realization has opened up space in me to be able to forgive my ex-pathological for what he has done to me and to others, and to forgive myself as well. This does not mean that I will ever be willing to communicate with him in any shape or form. I won't. It simply means that I have dissolved all emotional entanglements to him and am ready to live life.

I will leave this blog up and continue to moderate comments and replies. I hope that it continues to be a source of help for future travelers.

When I first mentioned to one of my dear fell0w travelers that I was ready to move on and to end my blog, she replied, "Oh yeah! FIDO!", which stands for "fuck it drive on."

I laughed. Thought for a moment.... and replied,

"No. It's really...FORGAVE IT. Driving on..."

Another fellow traveler congratulated me for finally reaching stage six of my recovery. In her e-mail she included an insightful list of stages survivors of pathologicals go through. I leave you with this list and send positive energy out to each and all of you who find this blog that you reach stage six soon.

Stages of recovery for victims of NPD:

The following is a non-scientific observation with absolutely NO empirical data to back it up. Just some personal observations.

1. Realization: In the beginning, it was a dream come true. The most intoxicating earth-shattering love imaginable. Then came the 1st crack in perfection. An inexplicable rage in your partner that seemed way out of line with the circumstance.

Then, maybe you remember that moment when it finally dawned on you that "something" was not right. At first, you thought you were dealing with a person who had 2 sides to him: A good side and a bad (conflicted) side. You figured others (the ones who warned you or sensed something "not right") didn't understand the underlying good person. You thought you could be the person who made that person whole: At least that's what he told you.

In a short period of time, you went from being perfection in his eyes, to a person who could do nothing right. You walked on eggshells avoiding anything that might set him off. You lived for the moment that things would go back to the way they were.

The fights were confusing. Sometimes you didn't even know what you'd done to anger him. The rages became more frequent and began to resemble abuse (verbal or physical). The lies were the most confusing because sometimes they were about things so insignificant, there was no point to the lie. He made you think that YOU were the one with "memory problems" and at one point, you actually thought it might be true that you were losing it. (You were a victim of gas-lighting).

The more dominant he became, the more submissive you became...losing yourself in the process.

Then one day, perhaps via the Internet or a magazine article, or TV special....you became aware of NPD and suddenly you realized you weren't alone and there was an actual disorder associated with the person you thought you knew.

2. Denial: You researched NPD and because the prognosis for it is so bleak, you continually searched for a different (more treatable) disorder.

You left him, then fell victim again, and "danced the dance" over and over again until your emotions were so sapped that you were at the point of breakdown yourself.

You drove your family, friends, and yourself crazy talking about it constantly. This also served to make you look like a complete idiot every time you once again fell for his manipulative declarations of love and change.

Eventually you realized that your partner was a Narcissist and you were terrified.

3. Anger at the N: You began to uncover all the lies and deceptions. The anger was overwhelming. How could he act that way to someone who had given so much of themselves? You were so angry that you had constant thoughts and even nightmares about him. You watched as he continued his routine of exploitation with others and even thought of "outing" this master of deception to the rest of the world.

4. Anger at yourself: (The most difficult stage of all.) You began to feel like an idiot for having let yourself be so obviously deceived. You realized you were going to have to eat mud, because many of your friends warned you that he was not what he seemed. You became deeply depressed and had a long road ahead recuperating the part of yourself that you sacrificed to an illusion. The fact that you finally realized he and your relationship was only an illusion, only served to depress you more deeply.

5. Coming to terms: You made a complete emotional (and hopefully physical) break from him. At this point he didn't even like you anymore as you weren't supplying NS, anyway. You started to pick up the pieces and regain the inner strength you previously had. You networked and your friends began to enjoy the fact that you had something to talk about that didn't involve your "N." You started to laugh again and enjoy the things you'd unconsciously given up. You began to feel like a valuable person again.

Oddly enough, this for many, was a dangerous moment because with your new strength, you became once again "attractive/valued" to your "N." But this time you knew enough to know that he was a "Soul Without Footprints" and the person you thought existed was a figment of his own imagination mixed in with a little wishful thinking on your part.

So you walked away, half-healed, but still slightly marred by self-doubt. Perhaps you began to see NPD EVERYWHERE...even when it wasn't merited.

But most important, you came to know you were involved with a person with an illness of the emotions that can rarely be treated....and it wasn't your fault.

*Note: And although the disorder is not his fault and empathy can not be surgically transplanted, he is well aware of the harm and hurt he causes. He just honestly doesn't care because he does not have the capacity to actually feel what others feel...only what he himself feels. N's are emotional predators. They will steal your heart to acquire your happiness, money, prestige....or whatever it is that feeds their NS needs.

6. True Recovery: One day you wake up and find that you honestly don't care anymore. It is the most liberating feeling imaginable. You realize that normal people are everywhere and your brush with this previously unimaginable individual or anyone else like him, is not likely to ever happen again.

You are now ready to resume life. Make lemonade from the lemons in your life. Use the information you unwillingly acquired, as a life lesson. Use it to realize that you are one of the luckiest people in the world because YOU have the ability to laugh and enjoy life. YOU have a chance at happiness. The "N" never does and never will. If perchance you have a need for revenge...that in itself should suffice.

So, for now (and that is all there really is) Emily and I are just fine!

Much love and great big hugs.... Laura

Questions of Closure and the CRITICAL Importance of NO CONTACT.

I will be traveling back east for an extended vacation this summer. While there I will have the opportunity to travel to upstate NY to visit some friends I made while I was with It. That possibility has resurrected the fantasy that many fellow-travelers share. The fantasy of being able to have some sort of closure in the aftermath of a relationship with a pathological.

This closure fantasy has an essential component. That afterward, It/They will somehow understand what they've done to us. What we want is to let them know that we know what they are and explain it in such a way that they will understand and experience remorse.

I discussed this possibility with a fellow traveler and with my therapist. My fellow traveler believes that there is therapeutic value in my confronting It for me. Confronting someone who's hurt us, whether in person, by journal etc. is a common therapeutic devise for those who are dealing with NORMAL relationships. Knowing this, my friend was exploring the possibility of any therapeutic value for me in confronting It.

I thought about it for a long time after our conversation and even before talking to my therapist about it, I decided that it would only feed It with negative supply and could have no value for me whatever. The fact that confronting a pathological can't have any value is part of why there is NO closure from a relationship with a pathological. The outcome will inevitably leave us more frustrated at their inability to empathize with what they've done - and remember empathy is an impossibility for these people. But after discussing it with my therapist I realized that confronting It can do nothing but put me in REAL danger in two specific ways:

A: Exposing ourselves to our ex pathological leaves us WIDE open to be sucked in again. Remember they have the ability to hypnotize us and place us in a trance-like state VERY quickly. Confronting our ex-pathological leaves us wide open for re-victimization.

B: Psychopaths absolutely HATE to be exposed face to face. Confronting our ex-pathologicals puts us in danger of severe wrath and retribution at the hand of someone who has absolutely no empathy for anyone and who is prone to rages. Very dangerous!

Though there are many, many other reasons, these two reasons alone establish why having an ABSOLUTE rule of NO CONTACT is essential not only for healing, but also for our own safety. So even though I will probably always feel the need to confront It with the truth of what It is and what It's done to me and It's other victims, I understand that it can only result in opening me up to more danger and more pain with no possibility for a positive outcome whatever.

love and hugs, Laura

Finding new pieces when you can't pick up the old ones...

The following is a reply I wrote to a dear friend of mine who knew me before It. She is understandably concerned about me and offers the kind of advice well meaning loved ones give when something sad happens. She asks me to find strength to stop wallowing in and mourning a relationship that concluded over a year ago. Here's my reply:

I'm not offended. What I read here is love and concern. Thank you. I hope you never understand what I'm going through. I don't wish it on anyone. But it's not wallowing or mourning a relationship. It's recovering from the aftermath of it. I have complex PTSD, which means that along with the triggers, high blood pressure, early onset menopause, weight gain and all the other host of symptoms my brain has been rewired. I am not your tkd instructor, feminist inspiration, political mentor any more. I don't know who I am. I'm starting from scratch and that's not easy. This isn't something one can pick themselves up, brush themselves off and move on from. You're right having known who I was before this, it would seem likely that if anyone could, it would be me. Well I'm as fallen as the dozens of others I'm in contact with who are struggling with the same disease. None of us are mourning the relationship. What we are mourning is the death of who we were before them. I'm no longer self deteriorating... I'm simply struggling to find pieces that fit together that will create a whole me again. love el

Healing...

Dear Fellow Travelers... it's been a while since I've blogged. I suspect I'm trying to limit the amount of time I spend immersed in "It's" space. But I wanted to give you a brief update.

Emily and I are healing. Though neither of us will ever be the same again, we're both finding ways to live and love life again.

I'm encouraged with the positive results I'm experiencing with EMDR therapy. I'm finding that the intrusive thoughts are less frequent and when they do come up I'm much more aware of what they are and where they are coming from, enabling me to dissipate them more quickly.

I'm also embracing the experience of becoming whole again. It's kind of like a rebirth. I get to decide who I am all over again, with the luxury of knowing who I was before I was destroyed. With the help of loved ones I'm rediscovering my love of playing piano and flute again. I'm still riding mountain bike and enjoying the Sonoran Desert. I'm decorating the house of my dreams and loving a wonderful man who supports me through the good and bad times.

Rebuilding a life after a pathological relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. I know I've got a long way to go, but I'm on my way... :D

Love and hugs,
Laura

Responsibility, Blame and Injury

Emily has recently developed pain in her lower back and right hip. After a series of X-rays the veterinarian has determined that the damage is soft tissue damage and is likely the result of overuse or injury.

I believe that Emily's injury is the result of my taking her riding with me too often and too hard without giving her proper warm-ups and stretches etc. My responsibility in harming my girl has got me thinking more about the questions concerning responsibility, blame and victim blaming in terms of relationships.


Coincidentally an anonymous reader recently posted the following comment on my "Choices and Free Will" blog entry:

OMG!!! What a diatribe! You blame him for everything, why don't you grow some balls and take responsibility for your actions too!! You permitted him to walk all over you. Stop being the victim and lick your wounds. The real problem lies with you, not him!!! Was he an asshole??? Most likely... But there is a proverb,"Never acquire a taste for shit, otherwise you'll eat it for the rest of your life!"

If our poster's comment were valid it seems Emily would do well to lick her wounds and take responsibility for her injuries. Is this a fair analogy or a false one? After all, Emily has a brain no larger than a plum. But Emily can feel pain and exhaustion and has been known to refuse to do what she doesn't want to do. Emily has free will and knows when she feels bad. So, what is Emily's real responsibility in all of this? Hers is the same as mine was with It. Ignorance, innocence, a desire to enjoy life and to please the one she loves the most.

It might follow that my responsibility for Emily's injury and It's responsibility for mine are equal. The fact is in terms of sheer responsibility, we are both 100% responsible. But our responsibility differs qualitatively. I did not hurt Emily on purpose. I didn't go out and get a dog for the sheer purpose of using up, destroying and discarding her. I adopted Emily to share my life with her and to make her happy. I am taking Emily to physical therapy and doing everything in my power to help her to heal. I won't make the same mistake again.

It targeted me for the sole purpose of using me up and destroying me. It realized I was vulnerable and played the role of lover until I wanted to please him as much as possible. Then It proceeded to consciously and systematically destroy me. It will continue to seek out others to destroy.

Now here's another difference. The love of a dog is unconditional and infinite, so is their innocence. My hurting Emily didn't rob her of her innocence. The aftermath of It robbed me of mine. Emily will always be vulnerable. So will I, but hopefully not as vulnerable.

One of the many intrusive thoughts that haunt me is a desire to ask It, "How does it feel to have destroyed so many lives?' What an ironic question to ask a psychopath! But it's one that succinctly describes the difference between us and them. They CAN'T feel! No matter how much you try to explain what they've done they simply are incapable of comprehending it...AT ALL. In destroying me (and It's previous lovers) it felt nothing. In destroying It's ex-wife It felt only the twinge of a lost reputation and having been exposed.

I believe that a pathological's lack of remorse is at the core of why victims are never able t0 feel closure. How does it feel to have hurt Emily? It hurts me more than I can express. I miss my girl when I ride. I cringe when I watch her in pain. My heart sinks to my stomach when I see her unable to do what she used to be able to do.

Ask It how it feels to have destroyed so many lives? My guess is It's answer would be much like the anonymous poster's comment:

"The real problem lies with her. She needs to take responsibility for her ignorance, innocence and desire to love. "

Love and hugs,
Laura

The Trauma Response by Dr. Patti Levin

The following links to a pdf file listing normal responses to abnormal events entitled The Trauma Response"

Those of us with complex PTSD will recognize the symptoms, while the specific event(s) will be much murkier. The suggestions for self care are helpful.

http://www.drpattilevin.com/educational/trauma_response.pdf

Love and hugs, Laura

PTSD Documentary recommended by my therapist

The reaction is usually, "Well you were never in combat." but PTSD is also the result of being shattered by a psychopath. This documentary offers insight. Love and hugs, Laura

Help for "Co-parenting" with a Sociopath - Another great lovefraud. com article

This article gives great advice and suggestions for how to establish and maintain no contact with your ex-NS should It still have legal rights to your child.

Love and hugs, Laura

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Psychopaths' brains wired to seek rewards, no matter the consequences

Political Ponerology - A Must Read!

The presence or absence of concience is a deep human division, arguably more significant than intelligence, race or even gender.

-Laura Knight-Jadczyk Editor of Political Ponerology by Andrew M. Lobaczewski

Game Theory, Evolution and Pathologicals

Game Theory article on lovefraud.com

Psychopathy as evolutionary niche pdf article

The sociobiology of sociopathy article.