Tonight I listened to a lecture on the intensity of pathological relationships by Sandra Brown. This lecture helped me to revisit her book Women Who Love Psychopaths, which I've already highly recommended. In the first edition Sandra wrote:"...before the psychopath landed in their lives, [their victims] were financially secure, had good self-esteem, goal direction and competitive attitudes." (p. 38)
This quotation begs the question of why we, a group of truly powerful women, are the most likely to end up in these abusive relationships. Sandra is at the forefront of studying sociopathology and is heading leading a phenomenal organization called Institute for Relational Harm Reduction (The Institute). Based on studies conducted by The Institute Sandra reports that women who end up in relationships with psychopaths test SIGNIFICANTLY higher (80-97%) than other women in several specific temperament traits (ingrained aspects of our personalities):
1. Relationship Rewards Sensitivity: When things go well and he is giving us positive feedback we are highly motivated. It also means that we are much more motivated by the positive aspects of the relationship to be very forgiving when things go awry. We respond much more strongly to the positive than to the negative in a relationship.
2. Relationship Investment: Relationships are VERY important to us. We are very relationship oriented.
3. Tolerance
4. Loyalty
5. Trustfulness
6. Hopefulness
7. Bonding
8. Cooperativeness
In discussing these common traits Sandra points out that they are all WONDERFUL, and are incredibly positive when in relationship with a NORMAL man. But in relationship with a sociopath they are used as weapons against us. So, the irony is that while our super traits make us so suitable for good relationships, they also make us much more vulnerable to pathological ones.
To all my fellow travelers who tire of the victim blaming and being told that there is something wrong with you that made you vulnerable to them, KNOW that what makes you vulnerable to them is exactly what is RIGHT about you. :D Indeed it makes sense for us to be more aware and vigilant of our super traits, but the only repair work we need was caused by them.
If you haven't checked out Sandra's work, please do so. So important in our healing process.
Love and hugs, Laura
Posts
I have been with a sociopath for 2 years.. I used to have my own business..married.. lived in a nice house. Now i have lost everything.believed all his lies about how he would help me and 'wouldn't let me fall'. He's turned me into a shell of my former self..tonight as i write this...he's abandoned me for the weekend with another woman..and left a voicemail..talk to you tomorrow babe..love ya. I believe they can really commit indirect homocide..he has had me so hysterical that i have been suicidal..I call him and he doesn't come..and when he does..he is angry at me and blames me.. I went from being a normal happy person to a sleepwalking suicidal mess, and I am still in love with him. my friends have abandoned me, saying you must leave him. he choked my little dog, cause he had bad breath.some part of me feels i don't exist without him and its getting worse. I recently tried to take back some of my dignity, acted differently and now he's at war with me..attacking..remembering every thing i EVER said that had hurt me and now using it. anything you say is remembered by them and filed away to use against you later. I don't know what i am going to do.
ReplyDeleteThe above article has added much needed sunshine to my battle to heal from my marriage to a narcissist. We seperated 4 years ago and not only am I still single, but the thought of entering into another relationship cripples me with fear. My personal journey is one thing, but I have to witness my two beautiful children suffer the same manipulation and abuse that I endured - and that is a pain that I cannot bare. The only thing I can do is keep the honesty, support and communication between my children and I open at all times. But their pain only reignites my own, and it feels impossible to move on. Thank you Laura for this blog. I know now that I'm one of the many beautiful, strong, intelligent women who loved the wrong man. Here's hoping we all get the opportunity to love the right one!
ReplyDeleteI've been parallel parenting a now-13 year old girl with an N/P since our MLC D seven years ago, and have remained active in online forums as a poster and also as one who Pays It Forward. I take Sandra's regular e-newsletter and have read widely about disorders.
ReplyDeleteAs I've completely lost my lifestyle, haven't found work in this region in years, have been refused twice by XNH for a moveaway with my daughter to find work and have been subjected to his ongoing abuses of me and of her even through his gf and remarriage, I'm now leaving my daughter behind to save myself.
How did I used to live? With most of the big 5 supertraits and definitely with those Sandra has mentioned. XNH has devalued me so thoroughly through years, and now works through our daughter, that my soul has started to die and I'd like to still live a long life so don't have any other avenues remaining but to get gone and start fresh elsewhere.
I thought years ago that he was an N, but his initial crimes against me, ongoing psychological abuse of me/threats to harm me, control efforts, stalking, redefining reality, gamesmanship, lies and manipulations have proven to me that he's an N/P.
Tragic that I haven't been able to afford to fight him for d's sake. Tragic all the way around.
Oh thank God I found this article and wish I had found it sooner. I met "Andy" 4 yrs ago and the behaviors all listed here showed up in him mere weeks after we met. He was open and impressive in intellegence, humor and nature. Hints and comments of how our short lived intimacy would get better "soon". I had no idea that meant if I kept behaving how wanted me to behave. The anger, lies, blame, threats of leaving began as soon as I became so frustrated, confused, belittled and worn down, I asked questions. But since he professed how much he cared for me, and I cared for him, I let him have his way, and stopped asking to discuss the reasons for his confusing behavior, for awhile. As time went by,and I got to know him and his folks, his mother offered stories of his persistant cheating women, childhood behavior(punching, stealing, drug abuse, behavioral problems)and my paying careful attention to stories he told, his refusal to discuss almost anything emotional (unless it involved how something affected him, aggrevated him, or made him feel important), I began suspecting something was wrong. I offered to break off with him on several occasions, begging him to tell me if it was time to call it quits, and he wouldn't provide a straight answer to my questions. Making excuses, change the subject or express anger for ever having asked. I found he had cheated, was addicted to internet "activities", had told untrue stories about himself to his employer, threw temper tantrums both at work (everything had to be his way, his schedule, his ideas) and at home, with online friends, and with me even when I had nothing to do with his aggrevating situation of the moment. He sometimes would make mean little comments, making fun of me, or some issue that upset me when I sought comfort from him over my work, family, bad day. Through all of this, I was unsure if he was crazy, or I was crazy, then suspected he was making me crazy,as if his unknown sickness was contagious to me. I felt belittled, used, unattractive, "not good enough" for him, and emotionally beat, and yet he still NEEDED me in his life?. He had told me he had no "real life" friends and never maintained a single real "in person" friendship or relationship (and he is over 40 yrs old, lives with parents still and has no responsibilities). Currently I have no contact with him because although I wasn't sure what was wrong, I knew it wasn't my fault, and knew this was terribly unhealthy for me. Too unhealthy to even remain friends, for which I am sad for. When I first tried to seperate myself from him, I loved him and wanted him happy, and myself happy, and this is where your article really hit me. The end of this page where you describe "grieving for an Narcissistic person/relationship"...."The nightmare of going from being idealized to being devalued.
ReplyDeleteDiscovering the web of lies on many levels.
Coming to terms with the terrible, terrible understanding that one was not an object of love but a source of "Narcissistic Supply". That in itself is so painful that it has many stages of comprehension". This is only one example of what I feel every day when I think of him. I fear his ability to manipulate, convince, lie and misrepresent himself. I'm sad often because some damaged part of me actually misses him sometimes. I can't wish him well as a normal evolved break up should be, because I know that although I do believe he has a Sociopathic/ Narcissistic illness, he knew what he was doing every day/month/year he played with my heart and mind for his own needs. But,I do wish that somehow, he could be well someday,knowing he probabaly never will be. Thank you for helping me realize it wasn't me, and confirming what I suspected to be the real truth.
I relate and have lived through all of what is described here on this page. Right now I feel hurt because I am a man who was swindled by a sociopath woman. I guess I just need to find a similar blog that has men victims (survivors) supporting each other. I'm struggling trying to co-parent with this woman because I have been unable to get custody. The ongoing abuse is devastating and caused me to become alcoholic. I've gotten treatment but am on supervised visits as a result. We were re-referred back to mediation but that is being delayed because my daughters mother is challenging the mediator because she is not getting her way. I have found a new strength in God as my shield but it is still a daily struggle. God bless you all and try to stay positive.
ReplyDeleteI think that if you have been with a sociopath and have been traumatized by one it doesn't really matter whether that person was a man or woman. I think because the damage is the same. Although I do understand that you would feel more comfortable with other men because the simple fact that you are one. I just wanted to say that I too had this happen to me. I married a sociopath and spent the entire time trying to figure out what was wrong. Was it him, was it me? Why is he acting this way? I started doubting my own sanity and since I had already had chronic pain from Fibromyalgia I was put on pain pills. I noticed that I felt less concerned and could tolerate the craziness better after taking my meds and before I knew it I'm addicted to pain pills which will later get me supervised visits with my kids. I know I'm a great mother and basically I was being railroaded but at the same time my sociopath husband decided to cheat and bring in another woman into the picture. After moving her in and having her be the mother to my children and leaving me homeless he began even now 5 years later to fight my right to be their mother. I took him to court and he is so mad at me for that, that he is doing everything he can to take my kids away permanently. He goes to court with lies and tries to convince his lawyer that I'm the nut! And it looks like he's telling the truth because of the whole mess 5 years ago. Which by the way didn't begin with me but began with my husband having CPS called on him. It some how turned around on me. At least he is in his charming way trying to make others believe that I am a problem. You wouldn't believe what he did to me and my kids when we were married. He abandoned me pregnant in both pregnancies, left me homeless and pregnant, cheated on me and then through me away after 8 years of marriage like an ol dirty rag and sooo much more! He has the nerve to act like none of that happened. And you know what? When I confront him in person, he tries to act like he isn't doing or saying anything wrong against me. he say's that he doesn't know what I'm talking about. He is all nice to me denying that he is doing anything to keep the kids from me. Hello!? Are you serious?! How long have we been fighting this. It has literally made me so sick day and day out trying to figure him out. I know that I can't but I can't help but to try and make sense of what he is doing and why? His reality is so distorted. Anyway,I do hope you and I will get our lives back to normal and finally find someone we deserve. Although personally, I think I am done with relationships. I do hope you find the right forum where you can get some help. I wish you luck and peace!
Deletesociopaths are soul sucking demons.. they will try to erase you completely!! get out while you can!! and start the healing process. the longer you stay in the more you loose!! its like your dating a mother fucking black hole!!! he's sucking you out slowly!!! eating you alive!! with a smile on his face while he's doing it!?!?? its hard for us to come to terms with the fact that !yes there is that much evil,sadness,faults out there, and yes it has crossed your path! and your heart is now damaged..well you just have to start rebuilding! this is a great opportunity for us all to re-structure ourselves as better and smarter people, human beings, souls*. your heart was once so true, so loving so trusting, and so beautiful~ you can get back to yourself!! and this time better than ever!!*** remember who you are!!!!! you fell for the pretty picture painted so perfectly just for you~ ... ok lessoned learned!!! get out!!! and start the road to recovery..and the pathway to your true self!!! an enlightening experience*~ .. just as much bad that is out there .. there is that much good!!!~and then some!!!!!!<3<3<3<3
ReplyDeletePeace & Love <3
I can't even begin to explain how good reading this makes me feel.. Every other site makes victims of sociopaths seem weak, gullible, low self esteem, etc..., None of those things are me but all of the positives are me to a tee... He could not break me... He made me love him but I wouldn't give in, break, bend from who I am... The first time he tried to make me feel like I was incompetent I lit into him and let him know don't ever think he can pull that on me, I've lived my whole life being who I am and had never been viewed, approached, etc..., in the way he was trying to make me believe I was, I knew better and held fast to ME and told him where he could put it!!! After the first major episode it changed something in me towards him... I KNEW I couldn't trust him so I stayed away... I met him in my city but he was in another country due to his own folly and having no direction and got stuck there... Still, that wasn't the deterrent because I'd visited before... The last time I visited him, we got into a small argument and he left me in a hotel in his country alone... WHO DOES THAT??? Not even an angry man... Who, granted, shouldn't have been that angry... Enough of a red flag for me to keep a distance and never return no matter how much he called, emailed, text'd, cried, begged, pleaded, asked, etc... I just kept thinking, "he's crazy," I'll end up in a swamp in the rainforest and my family will never see me again." That is the truth of my true thoughts so I just never returned... He's really a monster, monsters do exist... He has every characteristic to the fullest, magnified, a textbook sociopath... Everything was there, clear as a bell on his side... I didn't know what was going on at first but I learned and got away... I don't need to go into a lot of detail but I always kept most of me detached because the whole situation was just STRANGE AS HELL!! More of an on the outside looking in situation... Its been almost a year since I stopped traveling to see him and I've freed myself of a lot of things, I'm getting back to me... I still think about him every day... Some in wonderment that people like him even exist, something I had no clue of, NO CLUE whatsoever... I am angry at times because I have to now adjust myself to guarding everything about me... I am thankful that I come from a strong foundation and thankful that I am still the strong person I was before him but I do not like having to be so overprotective of myself "even though" I know its needed, this is the thing that makes me feel incomplete... I've never lived my life this way... Very free spirited with good, wonderful people around me... Then walked in this parasite... I am grateful for the eyes given to me to see now but the ugly was tremendous in the beginning... Overpowering to my psyche... I was seeing things with peoples interactions that I'd never noticed before... I realized that a person I've worked with for some years and always knew something was off about them has sociopathic characteristics, the list goes on and on... Crazy how the experience opens your eyes... Some of us truly don't want to see or know so much ugly, even though once you go through it you know what you've learned is good for you and needed for survival... Its just crazy and If you've been there you know exactly what I'm saying... Good luck to all... He couldn't kill me (in mind and spirit) I've come out this side as a superhero... SO MUCH STRONGER!!! <3 <3
ReplyDelete