I started this blog one year ago. Since then, so much as changed yet I am still imprisoned by a man who I haven't seen or spoken to in that time.
If I were to describe my external life I would say that I have everything I've ever wanted. I live in Tucson AZ (a long time dream of mine) in a beautiful house in the foothills of mountains with some of the finest singletrack in the world and two kick-ass bikes to ride it with, a Jeep Wrangler to get to the trailheads and over 300 days of perfect riding weather each year.
I live with the most giving, loving and respectful man I've ever met and am Mom to three beautiful dogs and a sweet kitty. I have a father who loves me unconditionally and who assures me that I will never want for anything important. At the moment I have all the time in the world, good health insurance, enough money to live. I eat well and have a comfortable bed to sleep in at night.... so WTF? When am I going to feel good again? Will I ever be able to a
ctually enjoy it?My entire body hurts most of the time. I have high blood pressure and early onset menopause. I've gained thirty-five pounds. I have no energy. I can't focus and have no motivation to do anything. I cry at the drop of a hat and wonder when it will all be pulled out from under me. I hide in video games, food and beer and can't seem to sleep through the night because of continual nightmares. Though I feel no love for It at all any more and am more than happy to stay out of contact with It I am still plagued by thoughts and memories that intrude on every aspect of my life. I haven't had fifteen minutes free of It since I left.
Friends said give it time... just wait... a year from now it will all be different. Okay, it's different, but it's also the same. I'm tired. I just want to feel good again. I've done everything "right" in terms of self care. I've maintained no contact, I am regularly seeing a fantastic therapist who specializes in PTSD and sociopathy. I've developed a network of supportive friends and family. I journal in the form of this blog. I do a hypnosis CD every night. I've educated myself to the point of knowing more about sociopathy and narcissism than some PhD's in the field. I simply don't know what else I can do.
I'm still gaining weight, still crying at the drop of a hat, still waking up two or three times a night because of nightmares, still wondering about what It thinks and feels, still struggling to accomplish minimal everyday tasks let alone write the thesis I need to finish. I feel like giving up.... Though I win a few battles here and there I'm tired of the war. I'm out of strength and ideas.
One year later... better and worse in the aftermath of It.
love and hugs, Laura
Posts
I can relate to all of this, except for one thing. I went back to myself after more or less one year, but I had my faith. You cannot imagine how many fasts I endured, how many prayers, and when I read my prayer diary I understand that yes, I was healed. A lot of people has prayed for me. It worked, little by little. After I discovered that my "It" had actually tried in his twisted ways to contact me, but I did not find out by chance....or beacuse God protected me, beacuse I know that if I knew it at the time, the dance would have started all over and I would have been in crumbles.
ReplyDeleteI had to stay alone for a year. i also took a plane alone and went in a stranger country for volunteer work all by myself. i was cared to death but I did it.
Laura, you know I respect you so muc. But please, do not treat the man you have at your side in this way. He does not deserve it. If I were him I would go away. You are not respecting his true and simple and respectful love by using him as a support. Do you love him? If you love him go ahead and forget who does not deserve your thoughts. oh laura I know THAT pain, I am not talking from outside. Please pray.....be healed.....and be happy Laura. You deserve it. And forgive me if I wrote those lines about your boyfriend. It's only that....you have been given a gift. Don't put the gift away. Lots of hugs. Hold your head high. May God bless you.
Oh Sweety,
ReplyDeleteI'm two years out and just now beginning to feel "normal" again. They take from us. They take the best of us and then leave us in pieces. You are still trying to find your pieces. Soon enough you will begin picking up the pieces to become the beautiful person that your future holds. What you are going through is so normal. I hate these people. I hate that they take so much of us from us. Hugs to you Laura.
One of the things therapists tell you after getting out of a relationship with an N/S is to avoid getting involved until you're healed. The first reason they tell us this is because we are extremely vulnerable to be victimized again. But the second is because it's difficult (at best) to build a healthy relationship when one isn't healthy.
ReplyDeleteIf I could do it over I would avoid getting in a relationship, but the fact is I'm in one and I love this man dearly (and he, me.) The other fact is I'm not healed and I do need support. He is willing to support me because he loves me and I am grateful for that. But it's not just a matter of deciding to move ahead. I HAVE done that and he has my heart and my conscious thoughts, but my ex N/S is in my mind and soul like an infection that hangs on.
Healing takes time and I know that I am in great risk of losing a truly genuine loving man because I met him before I was healed.
It's been several years for me...maybe eight years since my life changed in an instant. One instant. It's been almost four years since my divorce. I am finally feeling like my OLD self again---the one I missed waking up to in the morning.
ReplyDeleteYes, there have been some insightful moments during the healing process and I'm more aware of the good people in my life whom I do not take for granted. EVER. I suppose we find 'meaning' in the process, or perhaps we console ourselves with affirmations about our resiliency and courage and strength for INDEED, our inner resources will be taxed to the max while we regain our former sense of self.
I regret spending so many years trying to feel better. I wasn't WAITING to feel better like some magical elixir to the pain and most people I've met online have been willing to work VERY hard, to grieve and suffer and get angry and fight for their lives. We don't WAIT to feel better, We work for it.
Healing has taken years out of my life when I'd much rather have been doing other things (like pursuing my art career). But since my desire to 'do art' was deader than a lead anchor after the 'shattering', I found a creative way to derive meaning from what might have been a meaningless recovery process---just as you are doing in reaching out to other people.
I have been fortunate in meeting amazingly good-hearted cyberfriends who've become close face-to-face friends over the years. That has a been a huge blessing in my life and had I not been so desperate as to log-on to a computer, I'd never have met these wonderful people.
I suppose there are good things that happen even in very bad situations.
Love and Hugs back,
CZBZ
Wow thanks!! Your term "the shattering" is so accurate and useful. Wow... hugs.
ReplyDeleteLaura, I can only say, "Me too." I thought Evil was something far off and that it would be obvious to spot, not up close and dressed up as something attractive and soft-spoken. I can hardly believe I invited it into my own home and near my child.
ReplyDeleteHugs and best wishes to you and to all of us.
I don't even know what to say. So much of what is described in here is exactly what I am in the midst of. Eleven years of what feels like methodical and relentless personal attacks on every level possible. I'm two months into therapy for the first time in my life and I am beside myself. Thanks to everyone here who has posted such accurate accounts of the N. I have a long...long way to go but I will get there.
ReplyDeleteThis is not actually a comment needing to be posted or responded to but I want to mention to you a song... One that I listen to daily as I plan my escape from the deadly emotional grasp this N has had on me for so long. The song I listen to with my eyes watering is ...Let me be myself by 3 Doors Down.
ReplyDeleteP
hang in there laura.
ReplyDeleteMy "shattering" was in Oct 2008. Throughout 2009 I discovered the hellish details - some through detective work and some by chance. They say that whatever you are able to find is about 1% of what actually happened. Each discovery, shattering again and again... A decade of my life thrown away without a care - - just fodder for a deviant psychopath's pathological lies, prostitution, embezzlement...
ReplyDeleteI continue to realize how I was "devalued" in the years leading up to the final-blow. How apt that you have written, it was "a million tiny paper-cuts."
I continue to reel in shock and awe at the mastery, planfullness, and dedication the psychopath demonstrated as he raped my life. I thought he was a good-natured, devoted, honest man - - if a bit of a slacker. I couldn't have been more f-ing wrong! The psychopath was THE EXACT OPPOSITE of his public persona.
Frankly, I am still so crushed and I am so very tired of fighting the weight that drags my soul into the abyss. I do not know whether I will be able to start climbing the rungs of the latter, or will continue slipping and start to free-fall.
I have faced many challenges but always been able to depend on myself. In my darkest days before the psychopath, I would say to myself, "I am strong. I will be here for me. I can count on me." And before the monster I always could. But, I do not completely know this new me. She has been broken in ways I could not have imagined. For the first time in my life, I have not been able to depend on her. I have failed myself.
In solidarity.
In response to: In solidarity,
ReplyDeleteYou have had to have gone through hell after nearly spending a decade in your situation. Whatever you do...do not let go! Even if you can't climb even one rung, just hang on until you can!
I have been trying to resolve alot on my own but it is not working. I am in an endless spin right now. I have always relied on only myself and my stability but that no longer exists. I have to believe in what people are saying here in this blog and that is.... time will heal. I can only hope that is the truth because I have not heard or felt honesty in a very long time. All I can say to you is please do not let go.
I feel sorry to know that you are struggling like this. I will do everything I can for you, and people like you. I've set up a company to commission pop music, graphic art and social drama to educate people about sociopaths before they get hurt. I will work hard for you Laura. I will.
ReplyDeleteI am still trying to drag my sexual offences case to the courts and a number of friends have opposed this because they believe it is too traumatising for me. Other friends are neutural about whether to go to court. I know my friends mean all the best for me but why can't they go easy on persecuting me for trying to help people by giving them knowledge BEFORE they develop Post-Traumatic Stress-Disorder and using my criminal law case? And my case is particularly unusual in 150 years of legal history. I really want the ordinary people to stay away from trouble BEFORE they develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. How can I just dump my affairs, mind my own business and basically leave the other victims to go to hell? How am I supposed to live with myself if I do that?!?!!
Thank you for your Blog. It takes tremendous courage and strength to share one's life and experience with others - with the world. I would give anything to turn back time two years and have never met the sociopath / psychopath who was part of my life for 17 months. In one week, it will be six months since the parasitic relationship ended, in a horrific way I could have never imagined. I actually worry about whatever woman's life he's destroying now. I'm grateful that I didn't marry him, didn't get pregnant, and that he's gone (and he tried really hard to hang on). I'm especially grateful that he didn't kill me despite his violent tendencies, explosive temper and insistence on carrying a gun as well as a knife on him at all times. I am exceedingly grateful that any emotions I once thought that I felt for him were removed. I thank God for being able to consistently maintain "no contact." I truly had no idea there are people who lack a conscience, and had no idea that one of them lived in my home and shared my bed. I would recommend the books, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. Most of all - trust your gut. I didn't. I always had a sick, nauseous, anxious, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach - something was not right. And I ignored it. Wishing that anyone who is recovering from a relationship with a sociopath, psychopath and/or narcissist to lean on and rely on your friends and family as much and for as long as you need to. My ex-sociopath isolated me from every friend and family member but thank God, they all took me back into their lives and have been literally carrying me as I slowly become un-paralyzed. Good luck and best wishes to all.
ReplyDeletehow do you move past it and learn to live when youve been in the hands of a sociopath for 32 years and those around you deny, blame and disbelive me? he was so "nice" but he was the king of head destroy.I was only 16 when I met him and had been sexually and physically abused since birth and then dumped on a street corner at age 11. I had 4 kids in 5 years to him and spent my life trying to protect them and "fix" everything. I feel like Ive never been anything to those that I needed. how do I learn to live? how can I trust or love? I want to be free of pain. I want to be connected to another human being in a way that I can breathe and feel safe. I dream of being loved by someone, and have my love safe in his hands - not used against me, but I dont trust my own judgement and I am scared. I want to live, I want to like myself, I want to heal. I hate life sometimes and I hate the struggle and the painfull loneliness. sometimes I feel that I can do this but then I fall to pieces. I cant make anyone know what its like or what it was like. I still feel connected to him but I am aware this is conditioning and that he is evil and he is self destructing his life now. I wont go back again, Im free of him in person, but Im in freefall emotionally and sometimes it feels like mentally too. its been almost a year. most of the time I cope, sometimes even well, but then there are times that I search for reasons to keep hurting, Ive never known a time that was blessed with security or peace- not real anyway. Ive read the book "the sociopath next door" and "the emotionally abused woman" both fantastic books that I cant recommend enough, but Im still lost and alone, and thats better than with him for sure, but its still not living. how do I find a reason to keep getting out of bed each day and how do I enjoy living? I see others doing it and I yearn to feel that way, he held the illusion of love and happiness in front of my nose all my life and used my need for it as a means of manipulation and control, and treated me to moments of it when his abuse went too far and he risked losing me, and he pretended to the outside world that he was a wonderfull man, but he was like poison behind closed doors. Im so damaged. how do I heal? what is normal? Im told time but I read other posts and I get scared because others are struggling after an abusive relationship and Ive had an abusive life. how do I rewrite my wireing? I have no basis, only dreams.
ReplyDeleteWow! I am in the same position of all of you. Each one of your posts can easily be a page from the journal I keep. My issue is that my first nighmare with a sociopath was ten years ago. He was my husband. It took a year before I could even think of entering a relationship. I did not know I was recovering from escaping a marriage to a sociopath at the time. After a lonley hellish year I decided to enter a relationship with another man. It took nine months to realize he was a sociopath. Now even more damanged then ever I tried to heal. The next five years were spent working with a sociopath who tried to bury me everyday till I couldn't take another second and almost had a nervous breakdown. I escaped that scenerio. A year before I escaped the evil cowoker ... I entered another relationship. This man was the best thing to ever happen to me (seemingly). I loved again the way I did when I first met my husband. He was my support... he was my best friend and I loved him deeply. Until I found out he was a cheater and a liar and a sociopath. This was the day I snapped. How much can a person take. It cost my relationship with my familiy for pointing the finger at me, after all these scenarios it must be me... right? Wrong!I knew it wasn't me... but I did become that something in my personality was attracting these people to me. I was the perfect prey. The snapping took place a yer ago. I have not recovered. I am unable work, in a major depression, I remain locked in my house crying constantly and terrified of encountering another nightmare. I have no life ... what so ever and it's not getting better. I feel I cannot go on, move forward, live my life until I can understand why this continues to happen to me. The worse part is when I see signs or feel that feeling in my gut that tells me this person might be "one of those" ..... I question myself. Assuming .... I am jaded. I have trust issues, I have been tramitized. This allows me to stay and disregard the red flags and sleepless nights and naseaus stomach everyday. It's a terrible way to live and I'm having trouble finding the hope needed to push through this. I'm afraid of what is going to happen to me. I too have always been able to count on myself. Be my own best friend. But I no longer trust my judgement and I no longer believe I know what is best for me. In the meantime I am a very lonely soul and I'm not even 30 years old. Reading the Sociopath Next Door is what has brought me to this blog. I have found much comfort in understanding more about these people and through this blog I have found some comfort in knowing I am not alone. I don't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. I believe "we" have been become victims because we are strong. A weak person wouldn't last one day with one of these people. It is our strength that enables us to "stay".... it is our strength that enable us to "get out".... it will eventually, in time, be our strength that heals us.
ReplyDeleteLaura, please let's organize a group meeting for Narcissi tic’s victim/ survivors. Face to face Group meetings are powerful to heal. I also live in Tucson, AZ, so if someone else live here please join with your e-mail address to form such group. Thanks
ReplyDeleteateneacali@yahoo.com
Laura, please let's organize a group meeting for Narcissi tic’s victim/ survivors. Face to face Group meetings are powerful to heal. I also live in Tucson, AZ, so if someone else live here please join with your e-mail address to form such group. Thanks
ReplyDeleteSam