Destruction...

Philosophers are often concerned with the "essence" of a thing. That is to ask, what is it about something that makes it that particular thing. Further, how much can that thing be changed before it is no longer itself?

I've been thinking about this question in terms of my own being and if my ex-N destroyed my essence. To put it another way, did my ex-N change enough of my attributes to make me indistinguishable from what I was?

I miss who I was, Sabum Nim Laura Kamienski. My life was whole. I was able to have a positive impact on the lives of women and girls through my work and my studies, in an extraordinary way. If it is true that sociopaths seek to destroy strength and goodness, I wonder if these very qualities made me more prone to be his target. Did he want to destroy the leader that I had become? But more importantly, am I still a leader? If so, of who/what? What was it that was lost in me? What qualities? In what order did I lose them? How did he destroy them? Are they retrievable?

When I was Sabum Nim I stood tall. I had energy. I was strong! My strength was both physical and emotional. I had integrity.

Sociopaths get something out of the destruction of another. But ironcally their method of destruction is disguised in a kind of creation. In their molding (manipulation) of their victims they are creating a new being. From the outside this seems like a positive, or at the very least a harmless, action. But what is lost is the fact that in order to create the person the they desire the old one must first be destroyed. What power! What control!

So, what am I now? Who am I? Am I Sabum Nim? No. I am no longer that woman. A woman that truly liked and admired. Now, I am the survivor of a sociopath struggling each day to again become someone I like and admire. But even though he stripped so many qualities that made me admirable, my essence is in tact. It is that tiny shining light I try to focus on. The part of me that enabled me to become Sabum Nim and will again enable me to become a woman I like and admire.

This is the journey of the survivor...

Love and hugs, Laura

"Mild" sociopath = Covert sociopath - No less dangerous!

The following is an excerpt from an excellent article on lovefraud.com that clearly articulates the mistake that so many of us make... to believe that a sociopath is somehow "mild" who does not commit overt violence. I believe that the covert sociopaths actually do more damage in the long run for two reasons: First they are far less detectable and second, they commit no "illegal" acts.

Love and hugs, Laura

Learning to identify people with “covert” psychopathic traits in the “wild” is much more difficult than identifying “overtly dangerous” people with psychopathic traits, since most of the people who are “overtly dangerous” will swagger around “looking like a thug” and wanting to impress you with their potential for violence. It is sort of like the difference between the pit bull dog who bares his teeth and growls, versus the dog that quietly sneaks up behind you and sinks his teeth into your calf without any warning growl.

In either case, the best test of either the overt or the covert psychopath is their behavior, rather than what they say. If you observe someone do something (anything) to another person that you deem unjustified, ugly, nasty, hateful, revengeful, etc., then you should be very careful around that person and be watchful of them.

A friend of mine who was a dean of students at a prestigious college was literally sexually attacked by one of her fellow vice-presidents of that college; fortunately she was able to get away from him. Six months later, though, when he was appointed the new college president, his first act was to fire her. She hadn’t seen it coming. She was not only devastated, but was shocked and surprised. She shouldn’t have been. She had been warned that this man was a psychopath by his drunken sexual attack, but she kept her mouth shut at that time rather than “cause a stir.” Later, her silence at the time of the attack cost her her job.

The covert psychopaths count on people being “peace keepers” and keeping their mouths shut about observed bad behavior. They also count on “small” instances of bad behavior being over looked, even though these “minor” transgressions of “niceness” add up to a large mountain of bad behavior over the long haul.

Another thing that is against our being validated when we observe and “label” these instances of psychopathic behavior is the lack of validation we get from others who also know this person, but are not nearly as aware of what it “means” as we (former victims) are. They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John” or “Well, he probably didn’t mean it that way” or “Oh, just get along and play nice.”

The covert psychopath may not be physically violent at all, but instead, may only engage in emotional and mental abuse of his/her victims by demeaning and degrading them with subtle put downs. The covert psychopath may also do financial or career damage to their targets, and a covert smear campaign against a co-worker or boss can destroy a career or a reputation.

No understandable motive

Because we, many times, fail to see a “motive” that we can understand for the behavior of the covert psychopath, it makes it difficult for us (and others) to believe that “s/he would do that,” because we cannot see what s/he would gain. Unfortunately, many times the “motive” of the psychopath is the same answer as the mountain climber gave for climbing a very difficult peak, “Just because it’s there and I wanted to prove I could do it.”

It might be fairly easy, you would think, to spot the “overt bad boys” by going to a “bad part of town” or “gang turf” and looking at the guys swaggering in and out of bars or selling drugs on the street and say “that guy acts like a psychopath,” and you might even be right in your assessment, but maybe not. But you can’t be sure you are not dealing with a psychopath at a debutante ball, or a civic meeting, or a political rally, a church group, or a business meeting either, because the fact that people there are cleaner, better educated and dress nicer doesn’t make them less apt to be a psychopath.

My sperm donor used to tell the press that he was “eccentric” and “the reason he was ‘eccentric,’ instead of ‘crazy’ was because he was rich!” Unfortunately, I think in many ways he was right, as people who are in a powerful position because of fame, money or other reasons, seem to be allowed more range in the behavior that is considered “acceptable” than those of us who are not so rich or powerful. Their power over other’s lives, finances, and emotions I think is what feeds their egos and their sense of entitlement to “control” others. Those of the human race who are not high in psychopathic and narcissistic traits don’t usually consider “control over others” to be a stand-alone motive to use, abuse and manipulate other’s lives for their own joy. That being said, it is difficult for us to see this as a viable motive in others who do have the psychopathic traits.

Is effective revenge possible? Not really... but

Of course when you reach the anger stage you begin to wonder what sort of revenge is possible against a sociopath and you begin to realize that almost everything you can think of would provide him with an invaluable source of narcissistic supply.

I was thinking a lot about whether anything could cause my ex pain and I finally settled on his disfigurement. After all what else but his own inability to gather NS could cause him any more pain than he's already in.

I discussed these feeling with my closest friend and he reminded me of a scene from the film "Princess Bride" (1987) in which the hero (Westly) is confronting his enemy (Prince Humperdinck - who is clearly a sociopath) and says to him,

Westly: "To the pain," means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.

Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . .

Prince Humperdinck: And, then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it.

Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain"means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever.

Love and hugs, Laura

The background noise... living with the aftermath

It makes me so sad (and angry) to know that I have such a long road of healing ahead, but I keep trying to take my life back one bit at a time.

At this point it all feels like background noise. Behind every thought, every feeling, every sensation is him, his voice, his touch, his demands, his deceit. There's nothing that isn't tainted with him. I'm thousands of miles away and in no danger of ever hearing from him again, but I still wonder, "Will I?"

I still love what I thought was him... what seemed so real... what seemed like the first time I'd ever known real intimacy. But I hate him for making me love an illusion more than I loved myself. For turning me into someone who so thoughtlessly gave up everything and everyone I ever loved and who ever loved me in favor of his 'love'.

Right now I have absolutely everything I ever wanted in life. EVERYTHING... I'm living where I've always wanted to live, with a beautiful man who truly loves me and two amazing dogs, with the worlds best singletrack and three of the best mountain bikes ever made and I still have this background noise of sadness.

It's like living with arthritis... pain all the time... yet you still keep going.

A final letter for my ex...

On several occasions my therapist has recommended that I write a letter to my ex. One that he'll never see, but which allows me to say everything I want and need to say to him. This is a common therapeutic practice that I have resisted until lately. I've been seriously thinking about it for a about a month now. I actually sat down a couple of times to write it expecting a long diatribe of furious epithets and pitiful sorrow. But after several attempts and staring for hours at a blank screen, what I've finally settled on not only surprises me, but IS also surprisingly liberating.

My final letter to my ex would read as follows:

Dear ***,

I know what you are.

Laura

The Narcissist’s Commandments

You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.

You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).

You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.

You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.

You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.

You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.

You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).

You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.

You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.

Trust

Don't know how I missed article 11 in Kathy Hawk's series, but it is on trust. So timely for me.... I encourage all survivors to check this (and the entire series) out.

Love and hugs,
Laura

Reclaiming Self Love

A very quick post as I'm short on time....I received a notice for the next installment of Kathy Hawk's amazing series on healing from a sociopath, entitled "Reclaiming Self Love." For me this is the most critical question because unlike any other kind of abuse the sociopath's main weapon is soul theft. But what does that mean? It means you're left different than you were. He steals all that makes you you and molds you into what it is that he wants you to be for the moment. The worst part for me was the loss of my integrity. Reclaiming self love is difficult enough after an abusive relationship, but even more so when the survivor has to rediscover who the self is.



love and hugs,
Laura

Reminder; After the Sociopath How do we heal series...

There have been several installments in this series since I last updated it. As always I highly, highly recommend it. The latest installment is on Forgiveness. Amazing stuff....

love and hugs,
Laura
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Here is an excerpt, click on the title link to read the whole article.

,,,Here are some of the things we may be thinking as we approach forgiving:

• These angry or frightened feelings don’t have any place in my life anymore. I want to move on.
• I’m ready to find more interests than this bitterness
• I want to clean up my emotional system so I become more positive and optimistic
• I’m starting to remember how I felt before all this happened, and I want to recover some of that joy of life.
• This just isn’t worth the energy I’ve been giving it

But to forgive, we have to overcome one major obstacle. Fear. Forgiving is actually part of overcoming fear. But we have to face it head on too.

Fear and forgiveness

The progress of healing involves us becoming more and more real about what happened and how we feel about it. In anger, we get closer to recognizing our fear, but our reaction is to throw things at it – blame, threats, vengeance, work on fixing things so it never happens again. In grieving and letting go, we accept the specific losses that we have endured. While that is good work, it also clarifies our vulnerability to random events or to specific threats in the world. We may work on accepting that vulnerability, along with our other losses, but it doesn’t change the fact that it exists.

And so now, our increasing awareness of the costs of our vulnerability raises a new issue. How do we live with the fear?

This question makes sense of all we’ve been through to process the trauma. We may have dabbled with fear in our processing. Asking ourselves “what if” this or that. What if no one ever loves me again? What if I am really too stupid to live? But we never sat down to really look it hard in the eye.

Because fear is an extremely uncomfortable emotion. In fact, if we look at all the so-called negative emotions, including shame and guilt, and do enough digging down, we find fear at the bottom of them. Other than love, it is the most fundamental emotion. And it is the antithesis of love or connectedness. We literally can’t feel love and fear at the same time. One will overtake the other.

Fear is designed to stop everything else until it is resolved. It generates the noises of anxiety and need for immediate relief, while blocking or compromising our ability to see into the future, our ability to fully recognize and enjoy what is around us, and our ability to take the normal risks involved in forward movement in our lives. It eats up our energy in a million ways and drives us toward behaviors that are about nothing but self-protection and relief from the mental noise.

This is why facing and acknowledging the fact that we are afraid can be such a powerfully transformative thing, all by itself. It is a form of clearing away all the intermediate structures of trauma-processing and getting down to the center of it in a totally authentic way. So we are no longer lying to ourselves or pretending. So that we are no longer trying to talk ourselves into irrational ideas about being stronger or safer than we are. So that we are finally clear about the fact that the universe whacked us and we don’t know when it will whack us again. It is out of our control.

This is tough stuff, the toughest of the entire grief process, and until we are ready for it, we can’t do it. Our minds won’t let us. We will slip and slide away into denial or bargaining or anger or another round of grieving and letting go, all the things that we know made us feel better than the stage before. And that is fine. Our minds have their own wisdom, and we face this issue when we have the structural underpinning in place to do this. It’s why the healing process is progressive.

But one way or another, when we come to think about forgiving, we’re going to run into this issue. How can I safely forgive if I really don’t know when I’m going to be facing the same thing again, or something worse? Or vice versa, how can I experience my fear if I’m relaxing my angry alert and protection systems by forgiving?...

Ups and Downs

Over the past several days I've had several startling breakthroughs. I AM healing! :D But it took the support of other survivors to remind me that breakthroughs aren't magical and that they require energy. Healing requires energy. So today I'm feeling drained and despondent, but with the love and help of my friends I'm not beating myself up for it.

This afternoon, my fellow traveler Sandra forwarded the following article to me. Unfortunately we don't know the original source. Reading it reminded me of just what I've been through and healing from. Thanks Sandra and all my dear fellow survivors. I don't know what I'd do without you. :D

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Daily Strength:

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the saviour. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behaviour and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless.

We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.
Many of us seek spiritual guidance, turning to clergy for prayer, support and direction. We intuitively know the situation is beyond human aid long before we're satisfied with believing we've done everything in our power to make it work.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

It's extremely difficult to get rid of the notion that he will one day start making up for his wrongs and start giving back all he has taken. We have been loyal, faithful and consistent in the face of impossible odds. We desperately want him to clearly see all the pain and humiliation he's put us through, and realize how loving and patient we've been. We want him to feel the full impact of our suffering by thoroughly putting himself in our skin, and to truly be sorry for the harm done. He owes us a great deal -- time, attention, love, peace of mind, security, stability, dependability, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, devotion, commitment ... He owes us the absolute fulfilment of his wedding vows and we plan to stay until he finally pays up.

It appears to others that we have no pride whatsoever or we wouldn't stay, yet we are driven by an incredible force of pride -- violated pride turned into anger. Twisted, backwards, but pride, none the less. There's nothing as humiliating as a disloyal spouse, especially in the face of our devotion and loyalty. In the overwhelming shame placed upon us, we become determined to hang on and prove to the world, and to the other women, that he truly does love us. We'll force him to love and cherish us.

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, noble, honourable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth.

We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I still cannot thoroughly comprehend the truth about abusive people. Any loving, compassionate human being cannot believe that another person is void of love and sensitivity, which is what keeps us trusting and hoping in the goodness we believe we see in these men. It is a fact of human nature that each of us perceives life, other people, and the world in general according to what we are inwardly. Life is our mirror and we see only ourselves in everyone around us. This explains the love we believe we see and the deception the abuser believes he sees. They can certainly "act" loving and sensitive at times, showing guilt, remorse, and heartache.

What we fail to recognize is they are only sensitive to themselves, not to anyone else. They are so sensitive to themselves that they are paranoid, constantly fearing that others are out to get one over on them, to take advantage of them, to mistreat them. They have become the very things they fear. In order to guard themselves against being abused, they become abusive. It isn't that they are not void of conscience, as the psychotic murderer is. Yet, their conscience only serves to tell them what they "should" feel and be -- and the problem is, they do not feel what they know they should and have no desire to be what they know they should be. This inner battle enrages them, as they furiously defend themselves through all sorts of justifications and blame. They truly are sick individuals. We somehow sense this and it calls out our compassion and maternal instincts to heal and protect and nurture. That is exactly what these men count on. We believe we can love them back to health and soundness of mind, while they merely need someone to help them stay the way they are.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time or money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behaviour. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Sadly enough, they truly do not care about their own children. That too is impossible to comprehend, but they have not developed the ability to recognize others as being individual people. It's as if they see themselves as the only actual human being on earth. The only "love" they feel for others is actually just loving the way others make them feel. That's the whole of their love-hate relationships.

Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return.

Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

We know there will be no peace in our lives unless he is happy, so we do everything in our power to please him. It is not a matter of worshipping him, but one of survival, self- preservation. If he is unhappy, there will be a price to pay. So we keep quiet and try to keep the children at bay. We are constantly taking his emotional temperature to determine how we must act. We must be on guard, prepared to impede a possible disaster. We must anticipate his needs before he makes them known, hoping we've chosen the proper approach. At times, we must smooth his ruffled feathers, pampering and soothing him. Other times, we must become invisible and leave him alone. After all, we are there only for his convenience and if we inconvenience him in any way, we will be punished, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally. No one else in the house can have feelings or needs when dad "doesn't feel good". And when dad does feel good, everyone else must feel good, too, or they ruin his good mood.

If you are angry, depressed or physically ill, you will either be mocked or abandoned. These men are truly emotional icebergs, entirely isolated and emotionally unavailable. They have built a fort around themselves which is impossible to penetrate and they will protect their walls with violence, just as in any war. To these men, life is a one-man war, and protecting themselves and providing for themselves means survival. They do not trust anyone, nor believe anyone has sincerely good and loving motives.

They believe everyone is out only for themselves, ready to destroy anything in their paths, just as they are. Through his belief that the whole of life and humanity revolves around him, we get sucked into that madness and our lives centre on him, trying desperately to prove our sincerity, to earn his trust and acceptance. He sees our attempts at emotional intimacy and our efforts to prove ourselves trustworthy as calculated, deceptive tactics to penetrate his fort and destroy him. The closer we try to get to him, the more layers he adds to his walls of defence, lashing out and pushing us further and further away.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace.

We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquility in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

The only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a world without any rules? For example, imagine if traffic rules shifted arbitrarily. One minute red means stop and a few minutes later it means go. Later on red means that the area is under attack by aliens.

Or let's explore an even stranger scenario. Imagine that physics shifts without notice. One minute gravity is holding you down, the next you're floating in the air. On Monday your lungs breathe air to survive and on Tuesday you suddenly have gills and need to go under water. The following Monday breathing anything is optional.

This is what loving a sociopath is like. The rules change at a moments notice. One minute you're beautiful, the next you need a plastic surgeon. On Monday hugs are welcome, on Tuesday touching is off limits. July is the month that you're brilliant, in August you're seen as a moron. In the morning you're a great help, while in the afternoon you don't do anything useful. You're welcome one minute, unwelcome the next. His best friend at work, a mere acquaintance at home.

Life on this precipice leaves you a bit, well, edgy, and for good reason. You never know when you'll be the best thing that ever happened to him, or just a momentary amusement. Compliments are really backhanded criticism (or was it?). Which way is up? Which way is down... give yourself the greatest gift of all and find your way out as soon as you can!

hugs and love, Laura

PTSD-Defeat and Victim Identity

The sociopath is much like a tick

Recognizing the Real...

They say there's a silver lining behind every cloud. I guess the silver lining of the sociopath cloud is learning to recognize the real.

I've been nurturing a relationship with a man who is for all intents and purposes not "my type", but who is the kindest, most loving and giving person I've ever met. We have tons in common and he treats me not only like a human being, but like a woman who is beautiful, desired and loved.

I'm not sure I that I would have been capable of loving him if I hadn't gone through what I did with my ex-sociopath.

It is a bit ironic that it took being destroyed to find happiness. Pink wrote, in her song "Crystal Ball" that, "I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned." When I first heard this lyric I thought, "I sure would trade the pain...", but now I think I wouldn't. I am satisfied loving a man who is pure and real and wonderful and who is , for all intents and purposes, not "my type"... because what I've learned is that he is EXACTLY my type. :D

I love you John! xo

How Do We Heal? Part 8 - Waking Up by Kathleen Hawk

Next installment in a must read series! love and hugs, Laura

Am I Responsible For How He Acts? Do I Drive His Behavior?

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

(To go directly to the magazine, click the link above).

 

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship counseling is "Did I make the person behave like this?" The clients often believe they bring out 'the worst in them' or so the pathological wants them to believe.  The pathological likes to label their own acting out or cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else's fault. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don't take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their short comings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people 'own' their own behavior, pathological people project it onto others.

 

By the time the client comes to counseling from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, they believe the relationship, it's problems and it's demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological's propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that 'if she only acted differently then so would he' and the relationship would be on better footing.

 

Let me ask you this...."If he had brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor?  Would that be your responsibility?"  I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don't feel 'responsible' or 'to blame' because someone got a brain tumor. 

 

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders is that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor, but it is a brain disorder---in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be 'noticeable' to others.  It is--in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems you just don't know how, why or where they are generated.  Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology that are driving their impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

 

Even a decade ago, we didn't have the information we have today about the wide reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have 'suspected' a very physical reason for the behavior--the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems, we didn't have the concrete knowledge that is now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other 
brain studies.

 

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it--but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

 

Genomics--molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology

Proteomics--location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology

Neurotransmitters affected

Hippocampus--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Amygdala--part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology

Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains 

 
Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology

Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence

Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.

Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.

The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.

A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.  

Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.

Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.

Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)

The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.

Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.

Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.

An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.

MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders
Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.

TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.

MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.

Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)

Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.

Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.

Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.

The amygdale in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses, causes them to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.

Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.

Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.

Orbitofrontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.

Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word 'justice' generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.

 
Dorsolateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.

The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to fpcus on something they don't wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn't) the feelings of empathy.

The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.

The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.

Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive critcism.

Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity
Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

 

Yeah, I know--that's a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point...you didn't break him and you can't fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many---people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what's wrong with him is merely 'willful behavior' or 'a bad attitude' or 'needs more counseling.'  Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic make up, in their chemistry, their circuitry, regional brain development, their neurobiology and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected---in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy--so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book 'Evil Genes' available on our magazine).

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

 

For many years I have been teaching the 3 Inabilities related to pathology: The inability to grow to any great emotional depth, the inability to sustain positive change, and the inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others. I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered.  Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn't until recently that I was finally 

able to find out why the 3 Inabilities are actually correct and why they don't sustain positive change. It's not because they want to screw with your head....it's because of their head.

 

You didn't produce anything--you're not that influential to set up his genetic patterns.  Sorry--you're not strong enough to 'will' his amygdala to change. Bad news here--you are not gonna 'love' his limbic region into correct functioning. '  And hate to break the news that all the 'Law of Attraction' books isn't gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal.  And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn't gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. If you stopped nagging or tried the relationship 'just one more time' it isn't going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters.  Even Batterer Intervention groups aren't gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

 

He doesn't have a brain tumor that you are responsible for 'giving him.' He does have a brain disorder and you aren't responsible for that either--how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some of the disorders much more easily like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation--of course, you can often tell by looking at the person that something is wrong. But even in pathology, that too becomes evident...in time but not through external medical conditions but through relationships. And while it is odd, where we DO find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction is right in the middle of your relationship.

 

www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Song by a Narcissist - Wow!

Sociopathic Weapons of Choice: A Post for My Ex's Victims Both Past and Present

When I first learned that my ex had been diagnosed with NPD I desperately wanted to believe that something could be done and that he was on the "mild" end of some sort of sociopathic spectrum. As my research continues I've come to the conclusion that those who are most often considered mild sociopaths are simply sociopaths who don't want to get their hands dirty. They choose not to commit acts of physical violence. Instead they prefer emotional torture, which all too often results in the suicide of the sociopath's victim. 

Since psychological aggression isn't considered a crime, and since sociopaths are experts at appearing blameless and upstanding, and since victims are often left feeling responsible for their own abuse, these emotional rapists are commonly dismissed as mild sociopaths who merely have "narcissistic traits" or "tendencies." (By the way, my ex was aware of his diagnosis when I met him. If he really believed this wasn't a  problem he wouldn't have chosen to withhold this information.)

Sociopaths don't feel emotion the way normal people do, but they learn to mimic it by closely observing the behaviors and responses of others. If you ever felt like a lab rat in a maze with your N, know that you in fact were! He was learning how to direct you to the cheese and what kind to leave out for you. Sociopaths want to experience authentic emotion and many of them cause pain in others in the hope of feeling something, anything. But just as (Michael Fox points out) bodily torture isn't called physical persuasion. Likewise the harm caused by the psychological warfare waged by a sociopath isn't simply a matter of emotional manipulation or persuasion. It is emotional rape, the purpose of which is no different than bodily rape. Victims of sociopaths end up with PTSD symptoms exactly like any other victim of any other kind of torture.

So was my ex mild? Hell no! 

Because he chooses not to destroy with his hands or hire an assassin does not mean that his weapon of choice is any less destructive or vicious. The trail of tortured souls he has left behind him, and continues to leave in his wake may not be bloody or bruised, but are just as real and every bit as damaged. Emotional assault is as devastating for victims and those that love them as any criminal assault. Unfortunately this weapon is legal and is (as was spousal rape in the past) considered socially acceptable. 

The people currently forced to stay in my ex's life continue to be victimized. Some know what he is and are able to defend themselves to some degree, but are still being held as prisoners of war. Those he manages to captivate in future will be victimized until they are able to see behind the mask, hopefully make a clean escape, and begin the long road to recovery. My heart goes out to all of them... this post is for them.

love and hugs,

Laura   

There is no hole in me...

When it comes to experiencing victim blaming there is nothing like what I've experienced as a survivor of emotional rape. Before my emotional rape, I survived both date rape and domestic violence and the inevitable victim blaming that comes with it. But since both those behaviors are considered criminal, the blame stops short of trying to convince the victim that she is somehow inherently flawed. Not true as a survivor or emotional rape (sociopathy). Along with some of my family members and close friends, who all have their version of why or how I could have prevented my emotional rape from happening, my ex's ex wife insists that there is some kind of hole in me which inadvertently caused my abuse. This post is for her...

Dear O,

There is no hole in me. After months of intensive research and consulting with several experts, I know that every normal human being is vulnerable to sociopaths. This is because, as Michael Fox (author of Emotional Rape Syndrome) points out, emotional rapists (malignant narcissists/sociopaths) exploit the four most primary human needs: health, achievement, love and faith. In the case of a man - woman relationship love is the primary (though not only) target for exploitation.

He explains that there are four basic ingredients that make emotional rape (the victimization by a sociopath) possible. They are:

1. The reality that every normal human being absolutely NEEDS achievement, love, faith and health in combination, usually in that order, to survive.

2. We are powerless in the face of these needs. We simply cannot make ourselves be okay in the absence of one or more of them.

3. Bad-call bias: It is human nature to believe as true what we wish were true. This is the case in all human activities, not just relationships. He gives the example of scientific errors based on wishing or wanting a result to be true. These errors are usually driven by the need for achievement. In the case of love it is almost impossible for us to believe that someone we love, and who we believe loves us really doesn't.

4. Evil exists and the actions of malignant narcissists are evil because they aim to destroy (or at least reduce) the victim's access to her primary needs. He does this by first becoming the soul "provider" of them and then stripping them away little by little.

If humans didn't need to achieve, be loved, strive for purpose or be healthy, i.e. if we had the power to simply dismiss our needs as optional, and if we could always see the actions and intentions of others as they truly are and not as we would like them, sociopaths would have absolutely no power over us whatever. Sociopaths know this.

There is nothing wrong with me. No hole to fill! No co-dependent or unusual need that led me to be more easily victimized by my ex sociopath than anyone else. In fact, like many victims, I was and am a trained expert in avoiding the bad-call bias. It can happen to ANYONE and it does. It happens to normal healthy humans who, like all other normal healthy humans NEED love, faith, achievement and health - all of which my ex provided for in abundance and then robbed me off little by little over time.

Saying "No" to emotional rape isn't easy or simple. It's saying "No" to something that controls your needs, thoughts and perceptions. It has nothing to do with being co-dependent, co-narcissist or having some sort of hole that needs to be filled.

As long as you believe there is some flaw, inadequacy or hole in you, you will never heal from emotional rape. As long as you continue to try to take "ownership of" or accept your "responsibility for" or "part in" what happened to you, you will continue to be a victim. Only after coming to terms with the fact that someone took advantage of your basic humanness and that short of becoming an android there's nothing you could have done to prevent it, will you cross the line to become a survivor. I am not to blame for what happened to me. I know this... and it is only now I can begin to heal.

love and hugs,

Laura

The Emotional Rape Syndrome: How to Survive and Avoid It by Michael Fox PhD

I highly recommend this book for all survivors.

Excerpts:

• We have a natural tendency to accept responsibility for what happens to us because we want to believe we are always in full control of our lives. When bad things happen, rather than admit they might have occurred because of some outside, non-controllable, set of circumstances,we prefer to believe our own actions were the cause. We blame ourselves. (p. 19)
  
• Why not simply identify relationships such as Steve's and Ellen's as "exploitative relationships"? The answer is readily apparent: For the same reason we don't call torture a form of physical persuasion. Rape is the only word which adequately conveys the trauma experienced by the victim; one of the few words in our language, as one writer astutely observed, "with the power to summon a shared image of a horrible crime." (p. 10)
  
• In sexual rape the words "without consent" refer to the victim having withheld something, having not freely agreed to sex. In contrast it is the perpetrator, the rapist who withholds something in emotional rape, employing deceit to conceal his or her true motives. If sexual rape is the violation of the human body, emotional rape is the violation of the human soul. (p. 12)
  
• In contrast [to physical rape], almost all cases of emotional rape are perfectly legal. The emotional rapist may even be widely admired. It's a telling commentary on society's moral priorities that a person who exploits someone's affections for personal gain...might well be considered a shrewd entrepreneur rather than a villain. (p. 14)
  
• Victims of emotional rape can't psychologically protect themselves from feelings of isolation by attributing what happened to the abhorrent and exceptional behavior of one individual, as a victim of stranger rape might be able to do. Instead, more like the victims of date rape, they may begin to question themselves, doubting their own judgment and values. In some instances they may will be encouraged to embark on this process of self blame. (p. 15)
  
• Friends, family members, and even some professional counselors often make well-meaning, but potentially extremely damaging, observations; something along the lines of

"What is it about you which is attracted to to a person like that?"
or
"How did you fail to see what he/she was up to?" (p. 15)

• As a result victims of emotional rape invariably come to see themselves as responsible for what happened. The do not recognize that what happened to them was rape, rather they rationalize that it was simply and instance of personal failing. This is a destructive fallacy. (p. 15)

More later...

love and hugs, Laura