I once asked one of my closest friends why she thought I fell in love with my ex so easily. She said that since I had been in a loveless marriage for so long that meeting someone like him was like finding an oasis in the desert. I had no idea how appropriate that metaphor actually was.
Narcissists are incapable of authentic or deep feelings for anyone. Like the desert Narcissists are vast, empty and dry inside. Like a desert oasis Narcissistic Love is a mirage, a shallow illusion, a mere reflection. It leaves you hopeful, but even more desperate and thirsty for the real thing.
The metaphor can be taken even one step further. The closest thing a Narcissist can feel to love is when he is receiving narcissistic supply in full potency. This feeling is very intense for him and what he gives in response to it feels very real to his lover (or child). However, just as real water in the desert is almost always poisonous to the body narcissistic love is just as deadly to the soul.
Narcissists are predators. They prey on any kind of vulnerability. If they suspect you’re a desert wanderer in need of a long, cool drink they will present the most glorious oasis for your pleasure.
But beware, once you find yourself in the middle of the reflective pool, marveling at all its beauty (and it is beautiful!) your Narcissist will give you a taste of the real stuff from the rancid desert puddle inside him.
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"This feeling is very intense for him and what he gives in response to it feels very real to his lover (or child)."
ReplyDeleteSo True! I don't think very many people understand how easy it is to fall in love with a narcissist. In fact, the N makes it very hard to NOT fall in love with him-or-her.
Glad to find your blog tonight and read through your excellent comments and links!
(p.s. We are in the process of rebuilding our former website, The Web of Narcissism. Thank you for your comments about our 'extensive information'. Our new website will be linked to the current message board in a couple of months, if not sooner. You've lit the fire under my patootie now! *wink* I very much appreciate your kindness linking WoN to your blog.)
Big hugs,
CZBZ
Thanks CZBZ... We need each other! Big hugs back... Laura
ReplyDeleteAll of this resonates so deeply. The love I had with my N was like a dream come true: it was the culmmunation of a life time of searching. Then, when the lies, the betrayal, the abandonment came, it was all the worse. My belief is that Ns COULD in fact be wonderful lovers; but a lifetime of twisting and shifting and fleeing ensures that they will always take the low road. That is the tragedy. Their love could have been real, and they chose to make it be a lie.
ReplyDeleteso so true, and nicely put.
DeleteOmg!!! So true and it hurts so much to know that the first time I fell in love and felt trully loved ever, was a lie !
DeleteI can so relate to this blog...I am still trying so hard to get out of this person's grasp but b/c of my emotional connection with them, I"ve found it almost impossible . Like the post above, the love I had was like a dream come true. It actually was almost TOO good to be true and I said that a few times. Now I guess I know why. I had almost let go...and thought that they had too, but suddenly they were back again. My problem is how to NOT love this person anymore so I can be done...Thank you so much for your blogs. They are so inspiring and helpful!
ReplyDeleteThank you so very much. I recently broke up with my N and I honestly believed that I was going crazy during and after the breaking up. Very painful.
ReplyDeleteYes. Thank you indeed. Illusions of Truth and Obsessions with absolutely shallow, people whom can only project outwards their own pain (usually unconscious and not intended to cause pain in others) have severely distorted perceptions of the world. Those perceptions seem like an oasis in the desert...refreshing and wise...however they are simply tools of coping, survival and often times self-grandeur that feed their hurt and depressed egos. Without constant control over their surroundings, and the people they "share" them with....narcissicists could not survive, given their obvious pain and sadness is sooo apparent to others....including those that truly care about them, love them, see a way out and a brighter future with them.
ReplyDeleteNarcissisists are in pain, and can not allow others to be happy without constant criticism and psychological abuse. Otherwise, the oasis dries up.
I just plain sucks to love a narcissist, even knowing they can be deep, loving and a lot of FUN at times...their own egos prevent them from ever experiencing the joys of life without accepting how wrong they have acted in the face of those who selflessly show them a reflection that isn't their own creation.
Dear Anonymous, I actually hesitated approving your comment because this blog is specifically intended to help us heal from these monsters; not to aid in feeling sorry for them. They do hurt us on purpose; consciously, willfully, deliberately.
ReplyDeleteMany fellow travelers wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be a pathological than to be subject to their abuse. In most ways it would. Think about how much our pesky consciences keep us from doing. They don't have that problem and feel no remorse, guilt, shame or any complex emotion in the wake of their destruction.
Feeling sympathy for a pathological is normal because it is what we do best as normal people. But your N/S/P is no different than Hitler, Stalin, Jim Jones, Ted Bundy or any other pathological of greater notoriety. Feeling love or sympathy for these people only serves to keep survivors stuck in believing that these people are are somehow redeemable. They aren't. Plain and simple.
Painful to admit. Even harder to let go of. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Can we walk away without anger?
ReplyDeleteWe usually walk away dazed and confused. Anger is a huge step forward. Anger means we value ourselves. Getting stuck in anger is the danger. Can we move on and let the anger go. SURE!!! This doesn't necessarily mean we should forgive them. Just accept what happened and forgive ourselves. Forgiving them is akin to forgiving a natural disaster. Destruction is just what they both do. Neither has a conscience.
ReplyDeleteHow about when we cant feel the anger? We are in a constant fog lost and confused. I am left intellicutually knowing that something is so wrong. However, my heart betrays me and tells me he loves me. I need to let go, get angry, and move on and it is so painfully hard. I love him and he says he loves me but how can he love me and hurt me over and over. Worse never take responsibilty for what he does. It's always my fault why he hurts me. It's my fault he we unhappy. Yet I have done above and beyond to make him happy. He takes and takes emotionally and financially but than makes excuses why he should not appreciate what I have done. One year and three months and I have cried more than I laughed. He punishes me for speaking up by leaving or silence. Yet when he is good he loves me deeply. Than again he can be as cold and cruel as a monster. He doesnt like my family and friends. And says I can love and no one else around you. His anger is so abrupt and sudden with out a warning leaving me wondering how did we get here. He twist everything I say to be a negative one me. Doesnt listen to me. He picks one word from all I say and uses it to attack me. I found it strange that his Mom died whom he loved dearly and two days later he was a night club parting. This is not normal. I can go on but the truth is all I want is to over come this terrible experience and be stronger. I feel like I never will trust or love another man again after this.
ReplyDeleteDear anonymous,
DeleteI hope that youre further along in your healing, as I read your post I cried the whole way through, this is exactly what I experienced, to a t. After reflecting on what you wrote I realized that he never loved me and has serious issues and that I was an easy target; I was out of a bad relationship, was overweight, had low self esteem and he honed in like a vulture on a carcass. From the beginning he emotionally,physically,mentally and spiritually attacked me and I stayed. He threw me and my kids out 2 months ago without having anywhere to go and haven't seen him since, this happened before and I allowed it. I now know he is mentally screwed up and eventhough I have some emotional issues of my own, he worsened it added to them.How cruel to help me through my previous breakup, tell me I am beautiful and then do what he did and ofcourse I am the worst person. Now eventhough I am getting over it and realize my issues and his , I refuse to speak to him and wont allow my son near him, ever. Iam just picking up the pieces the best way I can and need help doing so.