Co-dependence versus Co-Narcissism

Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic
Parents
Alan Rappoport, Ph.D.
Abstract
This article introduces the term “conarcissism”
to refer to the way that people
accommodate to narcissistic parents. I use
the term narcissism here to refer to people
with very low self-esteem who attempt to
control others’ views of them for defensive
purposes. They are interpersonally rigid,
easily offended, self-absorbed, blaming, and
find it difficult to empathize with others. Conarcissistic
people, as a result of their
attempts to get along with their narcissistic
parents, work hard to please others, defer to
other’s opinions, worry about how others
think and feel about them, are often
depressed or anxious, find it hard to know
their own views and experience, and take the
blame for interpersonal problems. They fear
being considered selfish if they act
assertively. A high proportion of
psychotherapy patients are co-narcissistic.
The article discusses the co-narcissistic
syndrome and its treatment, and gives case
examples of patients who suffer from this
problem.

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One of the many insights I've recently had is that neither the clinical or layperson's notion of Co-Dependence captures the relationship between an N and his victim. Co-Dependents are enablers. They enable an addict. They are pleasers, who learn to walk on egg-shells and help in ANY way they can. Although Co-Narcissists are also helpful pleasers with egg stepping acumen, the dynamics between a Co-Dependent and an addict and a Co-Narcissist and an N are much more convoluted and complex for the simple reason that in order to satisfy his addiction an alcoholic or drug addict does not have to dismantle or devalue his martini or syringe. But in order to get a continuous supply of positive NS an N must dismantle his source. He must render her compliant and malleable. He is like a sculpture (ironically my ex is a fairly talented sculptor!) and his victim is seen as a lump of clay. This is why sources of NS are interchangeable.

Co-Narcissists are often the children of N parents. My mother was a Narcissist and in retrospect it's very easy to see how ripe I was for N picking. My ex was able to push every button my mother installed on me. My mother was very critical and watched over me constantly, waiting for me to make a mistake so she could "correct" me. N's love to "teach" and "correct". It puffs up the False Self in two ways. First it makes them feel valuable and charitable to have an underling and second it demeans those being corrected. Demeaning your VoN keeps the N elevated. My ex hovered over me in exactly the same way that my mother did. And, he hovers over his own son in that way as well. I've run interference for his son on many occasions when my ex was trying to "correct" or "help" him, but was really doing nothing more than criticizing and disabling him.

This blog's link goes to a PDF article about children of N's. There are a number of books out there on this topic, but none specifically discuss Co-Narcissism. The article linked here is the only substantial reference I've found on this topic so far, but I hope more will be written in the future. Please contact me if you know of any other articles on this specific topic.